Friday, June 23, 2006

Mother's Day 05/14/2006

The last few years, I've sort of ignored Mother's Day & Father's Day. It was never really a great-big-fat-hairy-deal sort of thing when I was growing up anyway, although we usually went out to dinner or something as a family for MY parents (& still do). Yes, when I was very very small I remember it being a big deal where my Dad took me out hunting for just the right way to surprize Mom, but as I got older that fell by the wayside. It never occurred to me before, but now that I think about it, that was probably yet another symptom of something wrong as their relationship crumbled away.

After B was born, I did make an effort the first couple of years to help her in honoring her Father's Day obligations (and other holidays) for her dad... but except for one year, that was never reciprocated, & the further away he fell from our lives the less I felt I ought to be making that effort. I finally resolved that if & when she was old enough to want to do things herself, I would help her in what she wanted to accomplish, but I'm not going to initiate interest for her. Somehow it seems like a bad idea to teach her to run her heart & soul after someone who doesn't reciprocate!

So yeah, little resentment there. Hey.. I'm human! Anyway... so there's never really been anyone around to set any sort of example re: "honoring" Mom on Mother's Day in any way. My parents, of course, do their part, but they're a couple hours away. That's very very nice, & someday she will remember that. But little kids need a much more immediate example for anything to penetrate at this age.

So the holiday approaches with it's standard (for me) lackadaisical who-really-gives-a-damn-and-do-I-need-to-find-time-to-work-in-the-P's-this-weekend flair. (Sometimes they go visit the OTHER kids in the family... so I can't just assume it's me doing either the travelling or the greeting.) It's lookin' pretty clear. Phone calls should do the trick, I might actually have a weekend of R&R! (As opposed to all the FUN we've been having lately -- yeah, it's been fun, but it's definitely not been R&R! lol)

Sometimes people say things or do things for you that touch you so deeply that there really is no reaction you can give that really represent how you feel. Yeah, sure you can say thank you, and do... but there is that very deep, very profound place in your soul where a simple thank you just does not suffice. Jumping up & down & cheering would be far too trivial. A smile is pleasant & not enough. A hug is nice but doesn't begin to cover it. Tears come close, but they do have a tendency to make people worry;) It's taken me several weeks to write about this -- this time, not because I did not have the time, but because I could not begin to find words. I have decided that these words, however trivial, will have to do.

This year on Mother's Day, I was remembered. Someone gathered B up into the gaggle of children & did what most Dads I know do with kids when one of those holidays come around: they not only remembered... but helped her in some small personal way to remember, honor, celebrate the things that Mom does. A funny little lamp now sits on my desk in some strange, painful-looking yoga pose, and I was given a very sweet card which will soon find its way into my 'forever' memoirs. The card only has B's signature on it in her 6-year-old spidery crawl. But there are other very different names there too... not written in pen&ink, although I see them very clearly. They are there as assuredly & indelibly as the ripples this Mother's Day created in the deepest, most silent & private part of myself. And I see more detail: the names there are written in the handwriting of the adult who led the way, who drove the car, who did the reading, and the buying, and the wrapping, who helped make the choices, not only of what to do & what to get... but how to be excited about doing something nice for someone else - who chose to include us & remember me as one of their own. If it seemed at all that my thank-you's that morning were blase... please know that sometimes what you can see fails utterly to represent that which sits in my heart.

You're a Gift to Our Family

You have a unique talent
for getting the most out of life,
then so graciously giving it back.
Your gentle humor and warm caring
give so much enjoyment
to everyone around you
especially to our lucky family.
Happy Mother's Day.

Monday, June 05, 2006

06/03/06 - Birthday Wishes

OK... With the new job & all, I don't know whether I'll have time to write up the entire month of May for awhile... & I don't want to wait to write up the Birthday party, so I'll just have to go back & retro-add May later.

I had SUCH a great birthday!!! It really began at the Lake over Memorial Day weekend, when Bauer presented me with my new CHAIR! Yeah :) I've been drooling over (& swiping - this may have just been self-preservation on his part) his camping chair with footstool installed for a couple of summers now, & he found me one for my birthday. (#15) YEAH!!! John & Tom set up my tent gear for me before I got there, with Tom making an executive decision about who goes where (#15), putting all the kids in my big tent AWAY from us adults. That may have technically had nothing at all to do with my birthday, but as far as I'm concerned, the birthday goodness began then :) (Birthdays don't have to just be one little day, do they?)

Wednesday evening, Tammy&Mike took me out for supper & I got to bring Toby home to visit for a couple of weeks. Then this Thursday night I got to meet up with Amy over across the river for some looong awaited girl-time at Steak-n-Shake. (#11) We need that every now & then, & even though we talk all the freakin' time & do stuff with various segments of the group, I'm a very strong proponent of the concept that in any group of people, every combination of folks needs some time that is just theirs. One-on-one, just the two of you. Doesn't always have to be a lot, or doing anything significant (in fact, probably better if you're doing nothing really), just time for the two of you to connect in your own way without all the other vectors & distractions getting mixed up in your interactions.

The day of my actual birthday, before the sun even thought about having a chance to shine its horrid self in my poor little eyes, I got to cozy up all friendly-like (#15) with someone I'm really starting to care a whole lot about & share some things close to the heart. (#4) I got a lot of good feedback & it was easily 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning before we decided we were yawning more than talking and that horizontal would be a much better place to be. I'm not sure I'm fully clear & that all the little bothery bits are completely gone, but just by making the effort & taking the chance to talk I felt SO much better, warm & loved :)

Then the kids managed to stay quiet long enough that everyone got to sleep in. (#14,15) Did I mention feeling warm & loved? Double that! Twice!

Amy&I skipped yoga in the morning, all of us opting for a late lazy breakfast instead. 's all good... I was thinking at the time that I was going to get my yoga fix a bit later as Bauer & I were going to go to a lunch-hour class over on my side of the river. Chris has never done any yoga, so we need to make sure he gets to at least a couple of Basic classes before he can join Amy & I on some of our Saturday am jaunts if he wants, and I really want to get him in over here at Sukha. I still think Sarah is the best instructor I've worked with to date!

Well... we made it to class on time in the afternoon, only to find out there wasn't a class! They've had a little instructor turn-around & apparently the Saturday Basic class went ptchiew! right out the window. Darn it!! So nooooo yoga for Amy on her birthday (#13) :( S'alright.. instead, Chris was an AWESOME sport & tailed me around town for a couple of hours getting some errands & shopping done that have been on my list of to do's with no time to do them. Those weren't on the official birthday list, but you know how I am about lists... & getting those completed was a great relief.

The last shopping bit we did WAS on my list, though: Fish for the pond! (#10) I was a bit hesitant about trying them again so soon, but hey... it's my birthday. The goldfish & koi at the store were looking a bit sickly, so I decided to try something different, & brought home two silver spotted catfish, a bumblebee catfish, and two Gouramis - one red, one tiger. They're very small in that size pond, and... Um... now I can't find them? either they've gotten snacked on or they're just hiding... I certainly hope the latter, 'cause there's a lot of mosquitoe larvae in that pond that needs to be munched up!

OH! & when we were giving the fish their new home, Chris pointed out to me the HUNDREDS of little tadpoles squirming about all over the bottom of the pond -- guess those poor frogs weren't just whistlin' Dixie when my neighbors were requesting that I turn them down, eh? Those should be really fun to watch develop over the next few weeks. Anybody want some frogs?

On the way home with the fish, Chris insisted that we had one more pit stop to make but wouldn't tell me what or where until we were almost on top of it... he wanted to buy me FLOWERS! :) He took Bailey in with him & let her pick out the colour, coming back out with a dozen beautiful pale pink roses. It's always a good sign when a man knows enough about flowers to start trimming the ends before they go in water.. hmmm... Chris, you are ever full of surprizes! We put them in a nice clear glass vase with a little pink ribbon around it when we got home, & today they've opened slightly, looking absolutely beautiful. If I can get my camera working, I'll post a pic of them later :)

Back home to TRY to get a bit of a nap (#13) before the circus, & not much luck with that either... but I did get a teensy bit of a backrub & an explanation that the original plan was to somewhere work in a real massage (#13) aaallll for me. Unfortunately that didn't work out, either! Since I suggested Chris just ride to IL with me & leave his truck in STL, he had right quick swapped his table into T&A's vehicle when I wasn't looking. Then they got delayed a bit, weren't coming into IL quite as planned, didn't stay the night... there just wasn't any good timeframe in there where table, Chris & I were in the same place & by ourselves for more than 20 minutes. Umm.. can I take a raincheck on that, Chris? Maybe after that pinky is really truly & fully healed? I'll reciprocate! :D

Then we girls took the kids to the circus, while Tom appropriated my house to bake a cake. (At least that's what they SAID he was doing - I haven't talked to the neighbors yet to confirm or deny.) I decided to forego the elephant rides at the circus this year -- they just didn't look quite as appealing when I realized they were cramming 6-8 people on them for each ride. The older girls went, though, & thought it was great.

After the circus, I was informed that there were people awaiting our return back at my house, (ACK! Vacuum, dust, dishes, laundry, make bed.. ACK! Aw... screw it.. they don't care, & they're already there, anyway. lolol) so we headed that way. I mentioned Tom was baking a cake while we were gone, didn't I? Holy cow, that man has inventive mixed with ornery in every bone in his body. I'm not TELLING you what he did with flour & water & icing... & tubing & a water bottle... but it was SO funny I REALLY REALLY wish Amy had let me go to the bathroom before they let me see it. It was GOOD, too. Still licking icing off my .. um.. fingers. ;) You'll have to try harder than that to get me in the orbs, though, boys. Care to take another shot?

Before long we all piled into the 'burban & headed for a VERY late supper at... The Cheesecake Factory!! Oh, yum, yum, double yum :) I had the chicken picatta & a chocolate martini... people I love all around me... almost every cell in my body was happy for one reason or another :) I'm having the leftovers for lunch today, too :) I had to skip the cheesecake, 'cause by the time it was time for dessert, there just wasn't room & the warm happy lassitude was taking over very very quickly. A little ice cream sundae with a candle, though.. (& another chocolate martini) and although there were some complaints that I didn't get enough on my face... somehow, I think that's more ironically appropriate for me to have gotten it all in my mouth where it belonged, while the boys have ended up with theirs all over the place on their birthdays.. Yes?

Then we all came back to my house to watch one of my other birthday presents: The Rocky Horror Picture Show! There was some talk of everyone dressing the parts (I'm fairly sure I could come up with something for everyone.), but that happy lassitude I mentioned earlier & an excellent dinner (I'm NOT blaming it on the drinks. I'm NOT!) really took it's toll. Only one of our knightly heroes deigned to play our little game before we hit play on the DVD... and let me tell you, the intermission was WORTH it! Holy crap, it's been a looooonnnnng time since I've seen anything that sexy. Surprized me! I sooooo wanted a picture for my own private little momentoes. I guess I'll just have to settle for replaying a few of those moments in my head til the thinker wears itself out. He left the garter on for awhile after putting his own clothes back on, too -- I would have never believed how a tiny little strip of lace could make a thigh muscle ripple & draw one's attention like that. If guys knew what sort of effect that could create, they'd spend a lot more time at Friedrich's, I'm telling you! You're just lucky there were people around, mister.

I think everyone headed home around 3am.. so yet another loooong night. Sleep. Sleep is good. Dreams. Dreams are better :)

Birthday isn't over... last night I couldn't sleep until around 3am (gee.. wonder why?), so I got most of my office floor cleaned up (#8) & can now walk without tripping over stuff. Once I get the bills paid this week, I think I may order some new contacts (#12), John & Tom are going to try to come out & finish the electrical in my yard next week some time (#5), Stacy may work on the curtains this week (#9), & even if she doesn't, Tom said he could probably whip them off right quick some afternoon or evening very soon. I still have to find time to get together with the P's (#1) - I'm sure it'll get worked in somewhere within a few weeks... & I may yet work in the cable (#6), the screen door (#7), & the happy combo (#13) before the month is out, too... just depends on how things go.

Yep. My friends kick ass. That's all there is to it.

P.S. If you missed them from above, here was my list... and I don't want to hear any more *(%*& about birthday lists not getting fulfilled!!

Fresh strawberries & cream with my mom
A heartfelt hug good morning & good night from Bailey
A day without temper tantrums
T,C & A to fix whatever is "off"
Electrical done in yard
Cable wire in house finally finished
New front screen door to match the back
My office clean & organized (but I have to do it)
Curtains hemmed!
Go pick Fish for pond (?)
Steak N Shake time with Amy
Eyes that work without glasses
Yoga / massage / sleep til I wake. In that order!
To not wake up alone
Misc stuff I'm not even going to put in print

Thursday, June 01, 2006

What Do You See?

When you look at me, what do you see?

Do you see skin you wish to touch
A hand you wish to hold
Lips to kiss
A body to press up against

Do you see eyes into which you wish to gaze
To see the soul inside
To watch laughter ripple
And sorrow melt away

Do you see this soul which loves you
The person deep inside
The one that thinks and hurts and loves
That lives there day to day

Do you see someone you want to spend
Forever getting to know
Sharing lives, sharing love
Sharing this family around us which grows

Or do you only see a conquest
Another notch to earn
One more goal on a path to nothing
That you can strip then toss and burn

Perhaps you see a duty
Not abhorrent but not your desire
You care only enough not to leave me out
Because someone else in your life cares more

Well I don't want to be a duty
A chore to cross of a list
I don't want to be third or fourth choice
When you're counting opportunities you might miss

And I'm not a path to nothing
I'm not something you should use
I'm here because I love you
Noone else, Nothing less... you

You are not a path to somewhere else
You are something all yourself
Something strong and strange and wonderful
Someone worth all the love and respect you can earn

You have grown so far in my esteem
In the time I've known you thus
A person in your own right
A soul worthy of respect... and trust

And yet the more I learn to know you
I see this child lying deep inside
Scarred, scared and frightened
Rebellious, defending its shredded pride

Children can be cruel sometimes
They think only of themselves in the world
Of how much of this or how much of that
They can beg borrow steal and hoard

And when they're thinking of themselves
There's no room for anyone else
No gracious sacrifice, no giving of self
Nor helping others in your life balance that for which they yearn

And none either of the joy
That comes in sharing with the ones you love
None of the deepest pride in knowing
You make a difference, you are whole, you are loved

The waters that run are in you and of you
But not all & only you - It's a system that needs support
It needs all of us here to balance it
Damage one, damage all... that's how it works

I'm not playing some little game
Of he has her she has him its my turn
Nor do I want to steal you
From other loves in their turn

I don't want to be part of petty little
small-natured selfish things
I don't want to fail to care for the others
Who share our time and our lives and our schemes

You are strong and you are intelligent
You are handsome and you are brave
You have heart and soul and patience
You are tender and fierce and yet you play

You have become so many marvelous things
As you've journeyed from child to adult
The choices you've made have tempered you
Into someone worthy of far more than simple lust

I want a love that is bigger
that gives as well as receives
You've shown me a glimpse of something marvelous
That I thought existed only in books & dreams

And I'm willing to set my feet upon
This strange path which before us lies
But before I go
I need to know

When you look at me,
What is it you want?
What is it you need?
What is it exactly, my friend..
That You see?

~~ Sierra Jacobus, 06/01/2006