Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Tuesday 02/21/06

A friend of mine called last night, & hearing something dangerous in my voice, tried to spy out what it was & why it was there. When I repeatedly changed the subject, they said, "You don't like to talk about yourself much, do you, kiddo?" Huh. Interesting! I LOVE to talk about myself! Me me me me me... hey, it's why lots of us have blogs, right? But sometimes it's just not the best idea.

Healing.. helping.. doing nice things for people you care about. We often call those things "selfless", and in a sense they are. We do them because we want the people we care about to have the most pleasant life possible, & if we can do anything to effect that, we do. At the same time, we do get a return from doing those things. Sometimes it's a material return, sometimes it's knowing their lives are a little better... but there is a return. There has to be! Emotions don't run counter to the laws of physics -- what goes out must come back in or eventually it will be gone. There has to be a gas tank somewhere inside you that holds everything you are & everything you have to give. No matter how efficiently you run, or how much surplus you do or don't maintain, when you give out to other people, someone or something has to fill you back up at some point so you can continue to give it back out. Some people take... some people give.. the best relationships have over time a healthy balance of both, even when the balance tips one way or another now & then.

Of course, there are different sorts of fuel that are compatible with different areas of your life. I'm incredibly blessed that I have more than one friend who understands this concept - cognitively! - and who work to keep that tank (mine & theirs) full with the type of fuel(s) they can create. Some kinds of fuel are signature marked - can only be created by a particular person or persons, or situation, or combination of situations. Some fuels are cross-compatible, and some aren't. I guess that's a trigger for me: When the tank gets low, there aren't any reserves, & the source for what I need makes itself scarce, that's a bad combination: trouble hits.

As I get older, and particularly since B was born, I find that the things I feel on the spectrum of emotions are often so much more intense than they used to be. Especially negative emotions - pain, sorrow, anger, abandonment... sometimes I see them coming & sometimes I'm surprised when something triggers them. I wish it were the other ones! Euphoria would be so much more pleasant to feel in that sort of intensity. When they wash upon me like the tide crashing on a rocky shore, it's all I can do to contain them from spilling over onto the other people around me & damaging not just me but them as well. Oh, but I have a sharp tongue that is very very good at saying things that slice & damage. Things that may be true... but that don't represent the whole truth, or often even most of the truth, just the most cutting parts of it. These emotions can be so wild & powerful that the only thing I know to do is to initate an immediate emergency lock down of self to protect those around me. At least then the damage they cause is limited to the inside of me.

It's not usually very long before such wild passion wears itself out crashing about inside me. Then I can begin to assess the damage, & hope I managed to shut down before much slipped out. Then I can think about the causes & reason what I might do to avoid that particular trigger in the future. I can only change myself, so what was it in me that allowed (or created) that sort of response? Occasionally I find that there just isn't anything left in myself I can tweak or alter or adjust any more, that there's instead an outside influence of some kind that has to be removed. Or that I am the influence that must be removed from the situation. But the vast majority of the time I can move something around in myself to make the ebb & flow of emotion & thought more functionally pleasing to all in my life.

If it's a person who is the cause of the trigger, they could shut it down far more quickly by diving in & holding on tight... could heal the cause rather than simply letting me limit the damage as best I can on my own... but most people simply don't care that much. I've only been surprized three times in my life by someone actually doing that. All of them created and reinforced a lifetime sort of bond in their respective moments. My Mom shouldn't have surprized me, because that's what Mom's do. But I guess some lessons we have to learn in life are obvious ones, and sometimes the people we love & count on the most are the ones we most need reassurance from. Trixy, isn't it? For Tammy, I think, her choice to dive in & save me - us - was intentional. Twenty five years later she's still here.. I'd say that's a pretty good argument for intention. For him.. well.. the jury wavers. I'm often afraid that what I see/saw may be only accidental byproducts of who he is & not intent. I carry within me humanity's frailings: I fear and I doubt.

Another friend of mine doesn't like my analogies - First, she worries that containing that sort of raging passion damages something she cares about - me. That the damage is greater when kept in a small space, and that it would be better to let those passions out than to keep them in. But then, she doesn't feel them. (These - I'm sure she has her own!) And even if she did, she is the sort of person who would simply absorb whatever damage was dealt for love of her friend & then find a way to heal herself. She is truly a healer - she makes it her life to reach out, feel for what's hurting & do everything she can to fix it in the people she loves, even at the cost of herself. May all the gods bless her and hers for all of eternity! Second, she worries that I don't hold other people responsible enough for how they make me feel. I understand, and when reason comes I have to take into consideration whether or not there is enough return in my life to keep them around... but I can't change them. They can, if they care enough, but I can't. I only have jurisdiction over myself.

So until something better comes along, if I want to protect the people I care about, I just have to shut down til the passion subsides, then think... analyze... talk... change... whatever it takes to make things work again. With luck & love, I won't have to do it alone.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Sunday 02/19/06

THIS is how he makes me feel!

In bed or out of it, walking, running, standing still, in the throes of passion or in the sweet joys of friendship. Whether things are good or incredible or off kilter. Present or absent, dreaming or awake, whether we're talking or whether there's silence sweet or oppressive between us... he stands between me and a very rocky shore. He is both comfort and pleasure. Passion and pain. He is something both primal and uncertain: he is both changeable and certain as the tides.

I don't know where we're going, and it's awfully hard to trust it sometimes, but I have to believe the Universe doesn't make mistakes. A reason, a season, or a lifetime: we've come together by design, and its up to us together to make that design as beautiful as we can.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


You drop seeds of uncertainty
and water them with silence
In the fertile ground of imagination
How can you expect them not to grow?
Reap what you sow.


Monday, February 13, 2006

Considering Possibilities

I think the secrets to loving more than one person... successfully... involve not only communication - and a lot of it! But in taking care of the ones you already love before you add another. Very... very... very good & careful care. Nurture those people first. Be intimately aware of their needs & feelings, feed them more than they need to merely sustain them. Pursue them. Keep them strong & healthy, sure in your affection, your regard, and your desire. Then they can support & encourage you in loving others instead of holding you back.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I Think There's One

I think I've got this one left in me
Just one more tiny bit of hope
One more last reserve of love
Dredging up the strength to be
I offer you what's left of me

One corner of my heart unblemished
Unsoiled unbroken, not repaired
Untrammelled by love's sharpest sorrows
One tiny bit... I'll guide you there.

One more song to sing in unison
Our two lives in harmony
Our music isn't all that's in you
But love from you could set mine free

I may look strong
I'm cracked and shattered
I may look weak
& yet I'm not
A tiny seed untouched within me
Waken it with love

I think I've got just one left in me
There's such a tiny pool of hope
There's so much that has gone before you
I offer you more than you know

It's yours, I cannot take it back
This love which now within me burns
If you should shun it, let me go
A nexus in my life will turn

I've only got this one left in me
One more deep breath, one shot at trust
One more try for this my life
You're the last: we fail, I'm done.


Friday, February 10, 2006

Thursday 02/09/06

There is something serenely and supremely satisfying about saying "I love you" and "Goodnight" in the same sentence. Particularly when its said to someone you care deeply about. Even if it's said 40 some-odd miles (or farther!) away from one another.

"I love you" and "Good Morning", of course, are satisfying in a completely different fashion ;-)

Thank you, my friend. I find I can no longer imagine what life would be like without you, other than to know it would not be nearly as pleasant. I no longer remember what life was like before you, other than to remember you were not there. I need you! Please don't ever go so far away you forget how to come back.

Goodnight... I love you, too.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Old Musings 02/03/06

Sometimes pen & paper are far more ready to hand than the computer... doing some cleaning today, I found this scribble I must have done in between other things somewhen:

Thought.. Quandry: When no one's reading {the stuff you write}, there are no secrets. There is nothing you would not share in your "private" diary. The web makes things less private, which is both the point and the problem.

For you see, I don't really care if people I do not know & have never met read my innermost thoughts. And most of the time, nor do I mind that those I care most about see my private self. And yet... with those you love, sometimes the depth & breadth of what you choose to reveal .. & the timing of those things... makes a difference in your relationship. My hopes are a GOOD difference, but you never know. I would hope that my people keep in mind that regardless that my thoughts are posted for all to see, these ARE still "private" thoughts. Personal. Musings. Meanderings that I'm willing to discuss, but ... oh, blast it!

I must have gotten interrupted by something. But the musings are still valid, and have continued... I find that I do write some less now that people I really know & care about have access to this blog. I haven't felt much like writing lately -- my muse is far more active when I'm unhappy, and lately life has been fairly nice. But beyond that, I do find there is a gentle edit that happens in my head, wondering whether or not it's really wise to always let my unfettered thoughts flow to pen out here where all & sundry can pick them up. I'm likely to fall on the side of "yes, do it!", but there are some doubts. Just thoughts...