08/26/05 Friday

You ever just sit back a bit & wait for someone to miss you? And wait... and wait... and wait... til pretty soon it sort of dawns on you that they just don't? Yeah. That sucks.

Three fishies for the pond :)

If You Forget Me (Pablo Neruda)

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon,
at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

-- Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973)

08/21/2005 - Sunday - Nervous, Love? Surely Not!

I spoke to you of nerves
Of scattered thinking
With breath held back, I did not mean to share
That particular bit of self
Before you begged me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
And yet once begun I could not return to nothings
You argued back sweet anticipation
Excitement flush, and all things good
And what I did not say
Although I said "what matters it, when all they feel the same"?
What I did not say
Was how these butterflies are not
Alone about your touch
Your smile, your look
Although these things affect me greatly
Nor what to say or when
Nor who to be nor why
Nor how you think and feel and live
Nor what sweet things might pass between us
as we walk some gentle forest path

No, these palpitations come due
As I suspect
Each moment with you to be quite possibly
The next moment of my very life
We together face a crossroads in my soul
Our souls?
I know not how it came to be
But yet it is
A mantle of responsibility
I try to hold free of your strong shoulders
(Which, by the way,
Are begging for my touch)
Although I struggle under the weight and breadth of it
Alone

The next sweet word or look or touch
A breath, a simple blade of grass
May be the one
deciding all the vistas yet to come
Set us forth on some great epic
Together or alone
You, reading, scoff. Say "Bah! silly girl
Are you not perhaps pretentious
Slow down, 'tis not that great a worry
You frighten me with your talk of tomorrows!"
Oh, love, I know
I feel it in my aged ageless soul
Portentious bliss or ruin lies before us
And my nerves of steel run molten craven coward
For though I think and fight and feel
Figure furiously in panic and in calculating calm
Still I do not know upon which path
We've set our silly feet

This knowing and unknowing fuels my fears
Anticipation, excitement comes with knowing
Bliss will come, is yours, is mine to have for taking
But nerves, those shake up from not knowing
And yet knowing that it matters… matters deeply
I will keep it from my face if not my hands
From my conversation and my laughter
Through my words alone in writing might you hear
These thoughts, these fears of mine
Unless you ask
Until you beg me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
To make of us our own
Some sweet tomorrow all anticipation
To be yours, be mine,
Be ours to have for taking
For then will nervousness have flown.

08/20/05 - Sunday - Room with a View

You fancy me in your lair
And I fancy you in mine
Shall we then
Perhaps
Someday
build one great web
With room for both of us and one
With room for any comely visitors
To perch and speak and stay
And several furred felines
Gathered 'round to share the secrets
Of our lives
Close around us as the feathers of a bird
Which warm
And soft
And plump
Surround us give us peace
Insulate us from the world
And from each other
We spin with silken dew-dropped threads
Miracles between us

08/20/05 - Sunday - The Inevitability of Something Grand

Sometimes love is simple...
Lightning quick, fiery, passionate
Nature slashes you with her whip
of raw physicality
And cunningly, you cower
and whimper
and yet rise to the occasion
taking boldly what is yours
accepting boldly what is given
giving and receiving love in its rawest form
reciprocation of the inevitable

Sometimes love is complicated
Intrigue, romance
Secrets sneaking silent 'round your heart
involving your life
your plans
your people
stealing away in dark corners
dancing sometimes in moonlight,
sometimes in shadow
sometimes in sun bright and punishing as the Sarengetti
intricate steps
felt delicately with a blind partner

This thing with you confuses me
Confounds me
Befuddled, bewildered, discombobulated
My Thesaurus resounds with ways to say it
That yet don't quite grasp the essence
The minutia of what I "get" so completely
and yet fail so utterly to grasp

What we have
and what we don't have
who and what we might or might not yet be
is such a montage of oddities

Fire? Oh, yes!
In ageless fleeting moments
That sustain and flare my thoughts
In drought of you
You have given me fire
today embers banked safely against tomorrow
it will take but a seconds' breath to flare them into fire again
We WILL burn together
Someday or days
Some night or nights
Lovely flames, Phoenix rising from ashes

Calm? Oh, yes!
A peace and surety of sorts
That leads me ever onward
That sooths inevitable doubt
And conquers fear

Love? Oh, yes!
So many ways, and yet more
Ever so many more
to come: I see them:
Clear possibilities beckoning
willow-the-wisps
In a hazy distance
crystal constellations
sprinkled through the galaxy of future

Happiness? Oh, yes!
Even when doubt sets fire
to my dreamings
When I draw near to you
They melt away
like tiny pats of butter under the summer sun
Just knowing you are close
even when we have no plans to be
Driving towards you
I looked in the mirror to check some piddling detail
And found a stupid smile creeping 'cross my face
for no good reason whatsoever
Bah!

Sadness? Oh, yes...
Your two-year records
Leave me frightened
That I will join the harem
As little more than background noise
In a lovely cluttered room

But
Sometimes, love simply IS
Something that defies analyzing
defies analogy
defies offense and defense
There is no defense against the inevitable
Sometimes, no matter how many ways you turn it
Or how many kinds of light you use to
look it through
figure it out
make it happen
drive it away
In the end,
there is nothing you can do but accept it
Accept it as it comes
Whether it comes as you dreamed it
or not
Whether it fits your fantasies
or your present
or even your future
Sometimes you are simply helpless
and deep inside you know,
No matter what comes
You will take it
You will make the most of it
You will cherish every second you have
Even accept sorrow if it comes
Although you sweat and pray and dream and hope
With heart in throat and impatience nipping at your heels
That it will be bliss that comes in sorrow's stead
because sometimes
No matter how you struggle... or don't
Love simply is.

08/21/2005 - Sunday - Spoil a Blogger Request

My sweet secret blogger... more of a fey, actually... sent me a card & asked for some (more) ideas of the sorts of things that tickle my fancy. I'm slow to pick up mail sometimes, so I may be too late, but here you go!

((Go ahead... hum along if'n ya wanna))

Moonlight on rivers and deep silent forests
Butterflies and fireflies and flowers from a florist
Faires who glitter with dust on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Difficult puzzles made out of wood
Books that light fancies like Heinlein or Kerr
Candles that flicker twixt darkness and light
These are some things that I find out of sight

Baubles that shine from my lone index finger
Toerings and earrings with posts that don't linger
Music on CD's and movies on disc
None of these things would be much of a risk

Wehrenberg Theatres show good local movies
Dierbergs or Schnucks will bring flowers and goodies
Straight to my door, they would light up my face
I'm home on most days, they can leave in car space

Soft furry fancies that feel like the belly
Of kittens or rabbits, red or grape jelly
Symphony chocolate with almonds and Skor
Or things that come riding out straight out of lore

Like knights in shone armour with maidens in veils
Moments of romance down long winding trails
Pictures of someone I find that I love
Chocolate 'round Ice Cream and packaged by Dove

When the day sucks
When I can't post
When the 'sphere is slow
I simply go out there and hunt down some more
And that's how I logged on to Spoil-A-Blogger twwoooooo…. Point. Oh!

08/18/2005 - First Day of School

Dammit.. I SWORE I wasn't gonna cry any more. Blast it all anyway. I am such a baby! I hearby officially apologize to any parents with children older than mine who I (however secretly) thought were complete wussy sops when they wailed about their kids going to school for the first time. You knew I'd get mine, didn't you? And for all y'all who may still be thinking we're wussy sops? Well... you'll get yours, too. Just wait. Your turn is a-comin'.

Go to B's picture page if'n ya wanna see my young'un: http://baileysglory.blogspot.com/

There she goes.. climbing the steps to higher education. Her very first day of school.

Here's my girl! 5 y/o & ready to take on a whole new world :) (God help it.)

Spoil-A-Blogger Q&A

I'm plaaaaying... I'm plaaaaaying... I get to play Spoil-A-Blogger 2.0 :0 What fun! I may be slower than molassas running up a hill backwards in January about getting my info posted out here, but I'm IN. Now don't go presuming you "know" I'm not your secret someone just 'cause I'm a procrastinator at posting. I'm much better at spoiling people than I am at getting my papers turned in on time ;-) (I know... I need to put a link in there... I'm coding-challenged, need to pull out my crib notes to do that, & have GOT to get to bed or B will be tardy for her first day at school tomorrow! You're lucky I got this far.) (I'll try to get to it soon. )

Q: What is your favorite color?
A1: Blueturningtopurpleturningtoredturningtomagenta -- Things in-between & Sunsets extraordinaire
A2: Opalescence

Q: What is your favorite scent?
A1: It used to be beer on a man's breath... but now I'd have to say it's more that musky sweaty scent on a recently showered man who has spent the last couple of hours thinking of nothing but me. Uh.. in a good way. And preferably with me present.
A2: Fresh mown grass & recently turned earth after a light shower
A3: Roast Beef & veggies simmering in a crock pot aaaaaaalllllll day
A4: I love the way coffee smells, but I won't drink it
A5: Cinnabar, Bill Blass, & Moonflower
A6: Drakkar Noir, Stetson, & Paul Sebastian

Q: Where is your favorite place to vacation?
A1: Ummm... I'm notoriously bad at taking vacation time. If anyone would like to come along & assist me with that, you're more than welcome! lol.
A2: Anywhere with trees & water. I'm not normally big on extreme temperatures, but I thought the canopy in Jamaica was stunningly beautiful, and I'd love to go whitewater rafting again.

Q: Do you collect anything?
A1: Bills & dustbunnies;-)
A2: Hugs, kisses, & other various & sundry sorts of affection! Applicants please form a line to the right
A3: Books - Sci/Fi, Fantasy mostly
A4: I have a passing fancy for frogs... although eventually it may pass? Heh.

Q: Do you have a favorite tv show?
A1: Not really... I'm more of a grazer with remote-engendered pre-carparal tunnel syndrome

Q: Are you crafty? If so, how?
A1: Like a fox! (Oh, yeah.. like that wasn't everyone's first thought)

Q: Do you have kids?
A1: Yep. A shot of tequila every night & a good beating once a week whether they need it or not has done wonders for the little ankle biter! (OMG, I'm just kidding.)

Q: Do you have pets?
A1: Didn't I just answer that question?
A2: OH... PETS! No, as of this writing, I'm still single. Thanks for asking, though!
A3: OH... PETS! Yes -- a cat who graciously allows us to live with her (Cassandra), a new as-yet-unnamed-pleccy in the pond (soon to be joined by some other fishy folk), and a hyperephasic Siberian hamster named Guido who lives at "the zoo" (J&S's house)

Q: What kind of movies do you like?
A1: Anything that makes me laugh... and I don't like the sort of humour that is engendered at other folks' expense. If it makes people feel bad, it's not funny. I just bought the "Thumb" parodies b/c they tickled my fancy. (Thumbtanic, Thumb Wars, BatThumb, Frankenthumb, The Blair Thumb, and .. um... alright, I haven't watched them all yet, give me a break!)
A2: Action, British humour, Love stories, classics, Black&White.... anything but horror. I don't want to watch a horror movie unless someone who's strong & smells good is gonna volunteer to let me "eeek" & hide my face in their shoulder, then be there when I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night!

Q: What kind of music do you listen to?
A1: Yes! (Not rap.)

Q: What kind of books do you like to read?
A1: Yes! Gee.. that was easy. lol

Q: Do you have a favorite magazine?
A1: Nope. The kind that stays out of my mailbox, maybe? I still get Reader's Digest as a gift, and that's one of the least objectionable out there... or Time maybe? The Mensa Magazine might be fun to get, too.

Q: What is your favorite weekend activity?
A1: I'm rather fond of breathing. Do a bit of that every weekend I can squeeze it in, in fact.
A2: Doing ANYTHING with my friends - y'all come up with it, I'm probably in.
A3: Alternately, doing not a darn thing with anyone... being alone & quiet in my own space with no interruptions & doing nothing remotely industrious or useful. Veg! Often paired with double-stuff oreos, milk, & a good book. If you can arrange for a good thunderstorm while I'm reading/napping, I'll adore you forever.

Q: What kind of work do you do?
A1: I'm a middle-man! I take &*%^$ from unhappy people on one end & pass it on to people who may very well have been happy until I came along & gave them the aforementioned *&%($ which they now need to fix. Then when they think they've fixed it, I troll it back again. If I'm lucky, they're right & it's really fixed. If I'm not lucky, we do it aaaaaall over again.
A2: I also have the privilege of edumacating the unedumacated & slightly confused about the wheretos & whatfors about & within the environs of my employer.

Q: What do you do for fun?
A1: Why... what a silly question. I Spoil-a-Blogger, of course! :)

Q: What's the average wingspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?
A1: OMG... who comes up with these silly questions, anyway ;-) (tee hee hee)

08/17/05 - Wednesday - The Eve of St John's

Well.. here we are.. the night before B starts Kindergarten. Did me absolutely no good to have purchased all her school supplies weeks ago... stocked up on far more uniform combinations than one little girl will need between now & the next time she shoots up another 4 inches like she did over the summer. (I predict at least 2" before Christmas. Any takers?) No... all that solid preparation gone to waste because STACY had to wait til the last blasted minute to do all her back-to-school shopping & kept us out bleary-eyed til Le Targe' closed at 10:00p tonight. Not only that, but she had difficulty finding even one of the THREE copies of the supply lists that I made for her. I know... I didn't have to go... but isn't that what friends are for? I've just gotta give her #*%&, though. As I said... isn't that what friends are for?

Did I mention that I mis-pronounced "artisan" in my substitute-parent Parent/Teacher conference with Haley's teacher? Egads. I'm sure she's looking forward to getting MY kid in a couple of years.

Ok now.. everyone PLEASE call me between 6:30 & 7am tomorrow & bug my answering machine until I wake up & ANSWER it. PLEAAASSSEE!!!! Otherwise, B is likely to start her school career with her very first Tardy, & it will be ALL MY FAULT. Gawd... why does school have to start so bleepin' early? CALL ME!

08/16/05 -- Tuesday

I can't believe summer is drawing to a close! Where did it go? What did we do with it? For that matter... where'd the last five years go? My little girl starts Kindergarten in THREE DAYS!! Should I not be having a crisis of indefinite proportions? Aside from all the flurry of making sure I have uniforms that fit & the supplies the school requires, I feel as though I really ought to sit down somewhere & have a good cry... not only to mourn all the moments we've missed in the hustle of our lives, but to memorialize all the beautiful ones we have had that I'll carry in my memory until my brain starts losing bits. It makes me infinitely sad that I will stand at the (theoretical) bus stop by myself later this week to watch her go off to begin this new life. 'Cause it really is a new life. It is just now... tonight... really beginning to hit me: the enormity of this change for us. For her. She's so too little to really know it.. feel it... understand it. I know someday when she's a mother, she'll experience it too. That this is something every mother... every (involved) parent experiences. Growing pains! I have other parental friends who have gone through this... who empathize and sympathize, of course. 's not the same, though.. their love. Welcome as it is, this is one of those moments no parent should have to do alone. God set the system up for creation to require two people for a friggin' reason! This is one of those moments that leave me furious - livid, simmering, boiling mad that I will do it just that: alone. But aside from that, it is also one of those moments in parenthood that leave me in utter awe of their simplicity.. their inevitability. The beauty and the pain - the beginning of letting go as tiny wings unfurl just a bit more. It aches, and tears are rolling down my face... but oh, it will be beautiful to see her fly.

08/15/2005 -- Hello from Over Here

Years separate us
Miles separate us
A wealth of human experience lies between us
A chasm of ignorance
of knowledge
of having done and doing
A wife
Children
Jobs
Homes
pains, joys,
dreams and dreaming
And yet, when you held me in your arms
I felt the world fade away
That insoucant bubble of something
something odd
something delicious
warm
completely wonderful
something most remarkably individual
I've never felt with anyone else
drew around us, warm invisible cloak
tendrils of soul flare out towards one another
greet, warmly - old familiar friend
like when you place your fingers
warm against the glass of
one of those electricity balls at Spencer's
We can be so very distant
In so many ways
for so very, very long
and yet, I always feel you here
I never feel without you
Many kinds of loves leave me wanting
yearning, hoping... often in vain
waiting to be filled
with something I can't even define
Begging me to give something I may not have to give
But with you I have always felt simply
complete
I miss you
but I yearn for nothing
you're always here
It's that corner of my soul
where you once made yourself comfortable
it holds both memory and promise
stretches beyond this fragile lifetime
speaks of lifetimes stretching before & behind us
I know you're out there
and I know you will return
in some life, if not in this one
and with that I am content
How can I not be?
I trust in your love
In this something I cannot define
This something that is not Lover, but Loved
Not husband, but heart
Not passion, but muse
Not merely friend, but more
perhaps less in many ways, but still more
Not like anything with anyone else
It trancends my experience
Defies my explanations
Threatens nothing and noone
Who know me best, love me truly
You define a part of who I am
A part of who I used to be
A part of who I like to be
You are a pillar of my Creation
A piece of the foundation of my Self
Out there, living wonderfully
I send you....
warm thoughts
much love
Hope, faith, perserverance
all things good, and warm, and safe
exhilaration
appreciation of the present
and anticipation of the future
Of all people in the world
You, I love

08/09/05 - Tuesday.. A Little Bit of Liquid Bliss

A pond, a pond, I have a pond! More important, I have a waterfall. Oh, the sheer music of it when I open my back door. Makes me want to change bedrooms with B so I can crack the window & listen to it all night long!!

Last week, my sis & her husband came in for a flying visit. In one day, out the next, their list of "wanna do"s for while they were here was long enough to make me exhausted just reading it, although I was game to give it a try. Luckily (for me), a good solid perusal of a clock prevailed... but (again, luckily for me), sanity did NOT. One field trip to Cahokia Mounds including my friend AmyS & her two kids in our crew was all the extracurricular activity we managed to squeeze in... but at the last minute my bold sis volunteered her know-how & her husband's brawn & told me if I'd buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. How's that for an offer, eh?

Well... actually... she told me if I could get Dad to buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. But I managed to talk her out of the Dad requirement & just let me buy it myself ;-) Them's sure some darn good ideas she comes up with, ain't they?

I've now made 5 trips to Yard Lines, 6 to Lowe's, 4 to Home Depot, 2 to Scott's, 3 to WalMart and 1 to Effinger's, and..... I have a POND! With water in it! And a WATERFALL! And lights (which are only working sporadically... my electrics wizard is on vacation or somesuchthing in Canada this week. Hmpf. The nerve! hee hee). And PLANTS, too! My sis brought with her a nice selection of several varieties of Hostas & ferns to fill out the flower bed we mangled into 1/2 it's original size, and I'm putting a sweet little retaining wall around the backside of them. (Got the paver sand last night.. now all I need is time & energy. Anybody got any time & energy they can loan me? I appear to be fresh out.) And this morning... well.. this morning I got WATER PLANTS! A REAL water lily, water lettuce, water hyacinth, water cannas, the water sweet grass K brought with her, and .. um... one other one I can't 'member the name of right now - Oh! Rain Lily (totally different from a water lily - it's green is all spiky like onion with pretty white flowers.) Geez, I hope my black thumb didn't touch 'em too long when I tossed 'em in!

I still have plenty to do -- settle the retaining wall in place, at least 2 more trips to Yard Lines for more rock, decide how to treat the edge of the pond that butts up against my patio, plant a few more greens, maybe put in another waterfall??, I need Shaun badly to get the electric settled properly (and safely), shop for a coupla fish, name the darn things, find a great little rocker and/or table/chairs for the patio (somehow, a strato-lounger, while conducive to pond-enjoyment, just doesn't seem to fit the ambiance.), then pick up some lemonade & see who I can coerce over to come & enjoy it with me. YEA! Maybe if I baked cookies?

08/08/05 -- A Rift Between Reality and Dream

The softests of sheets
Smooth pillows plumped and scented
Cool silent breeze from ceiling fan
Cicadas sing outside the window
Sleep beckons from shadowed corners
Perfect.
And yet these things do not call to me
tonight there is no allure
whether tis my imagination or my intuition
which fails me
yet there it is
Tonight
I cannot imagine that one side of that bed
is slightly warmer than the other
I cannot make myself believe
That slight indention was left as you
tumbled sleepily out for a quick drink
and that you will quietly slip back in
just as I fall asleep
Lay one hand on my hip
Squirl around til you're comfortable again
My fantasies fall flat and lifeless
as I try to rev those mental gears
bringing so close to life
as to be but a shadow-thin difference
to mistake between moments with Morpheus
a sheet twisted oddly across my hips
for your arm
my breath reflected from another pillow
for yours
the cat curled across my ankles
for your feet, twining with mine in sleep
Tonight these things do not embrace me
they do not live and breathe
just that half twist from reality
that I might wiggle my way into... if I try hard enough
No squinting of eyes, no 3/4 turn widdershins
brings me close to feeling you here
Tonight, there is no allure
to sleeping in my bed alone
No matter how cool the sheets
or plump the pillows
or soothing the fan
or mesmerizing the Cicadas
I only want you there
Where I can touch you in sleep
Kiss your shoulder to warm my lips
Perhaps your lips to warm my soul
You are not there
and there is no allure
My sweet bed, ship of dreams
Catacomb of a million fantasies
Sure source of surcease and comfort
Tonight...
Tonight, it only looms
Alone
and lonely.