Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Lessons from the Cat

I've always thought you can tell a lot about a person by their pets - not just what type of animal they are, but by their personalities. My cat Cassandra has a completely different personality than other cats that have gone through my life. Here are some things Cassie is teaching me / reminding me these days:

  1. If it feels good, purr.
  2. Don't use people as a springboard/launch when you can get where you want to go by jumping over them instead.
  3. When someone is willing to give you attention, make the most of it. Enjoy it with every ounce of your being. Visibly!
  4. When someone doesn't want to give you attention, take the hint fast & find somewhere else to be.
  5. Let people know when you want to be loved on.
  6. But don't take offense just because someone isn't in the mood to pet you "right now".
  7. Give back at least as much affection as you receive.
  8. Be patient with kids. When you can't stand it anymore, run & hide.
  9. Physical responses to antagonism should be an extreme last resort.
  10. Stay out of people's faces.
  11. Playing rough is fun sometimes, but stop when the other person says so!
  12. When you do play rough/bite, don't break skin.
  13. Sometimes it's kinda nice just to be in quiet proximity to the people you love.
  14. If someone hurts you, tell them so.
  15. Forgive quickly & easily.
  16. People will take care of you if you let them.
  17. Let them!
  18. If it feels good, PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

The Date: The Official News Release Version

Well… I probably shouldn't tell you this, but as long as you keep it to yourself…. Can you believe that within 20 minutes of picking me up he already had me breathing heavy? It wasn't long at all before we both broke a light sweat, & I knew that tomorrow I would be feeling muscles I had forgotten were there - especially in my thighs! Up & down, in & out, he explored every nook & cranny, carrying me along with him with in our enthusiasm - sometimes taking the initiative, sometimes letting me do the exploring. Always a willing participant. After a bit, he tried to talk me into putting some particulars of my clothes back on, but I really didn't want to, b/c I wasn't DONE yet! Well, he acquiesced in good humour & with some enthusiasm we were back at it shortly. Eventually, though, we both got peckish, decided a break was in order, put some shoes on and went for some yummy food. The cool air of the restaurant & some iced drinks helped dampen the heat we had generated between us, and after an excellent meal we went back to my house with the intent of talking a bit. Well, one thing led to another, and the equipment was really a lot slower to 'boot up', so to speak, than either of us anticipated, although once it was up & running there was certainly plenty to see! He showed me lots of things it could do, and I just know there's stuff he held back. Even holding back, the things he could do with his equipment were absolutely out of this world! I'm really hoping I get another chance to experience it another time. In the end, we decided it would really be best if he didn't spend the whole night… although it was still almost 1am before we finally parted ways with some reluctance & many small intimate stops on the way to the door. Definitely an evening I'd like to repeat~!

(It's not what it sounds like... get your mind out of the gutter!)

Friday, June 17, 2005

06/17/05 - Thought Processes I

Picture what happens when you drop a dollop of something semi-liquidy to the ground from a height of several feet. Go do it if you need to so you really have a good visual. Yogurt maybe. Or cottage cheese. See how the majority of the stuff stays where it impacted? Think of that dollop of stuff you dropped as the germ of an idea. Then think of that space where the majority of stuff stayed as the range of thought that, when a idea is dropped into their psyche, most people encompass, most of the time.

Now look at the rest of the mess. See how bits of the stuff also shot out in every direction? You have streamers of stuff still connected to the mass by thin strands that stretch out aways - some short, some long. You also have bits that became disconnected from the mass completely, forming tiny blobs of their own… often farther from initial impact than you would have imagined.

Imagine cleaning up the main mess - everything that's connected - and walk away. You can imagine how someone coming along later may not grasp how those outlying tiny bits (that weren't connected, therefore were not cleaned up) came to be there. There are no longer any clues - no visual connection - to explain how they came into being. It would be a mystery to them. Odd. Annoying. Maybe even frightening.

Now expand your splatter off of a flat surface & into more dimensions: gently pop a suspended water balloon or something. You will find that you can somewhat control the majority of the splatter based on how hard you were pushing when you popped it, and in what direction you were pushing. But you can't control all of the stuff - some bits will splatter the opposite way, and no matter what, you've got bits going in more directions than you did when you were simply hitting the floor.

Drop an idea into a mind… the splatter pattern is phenomenal.

Questions Hard to Answer

"How are you feeling?", he asks

How am I?
I'm standing.. teetering…
On the edge of a very lovely precipice
Over which to fall would not be a bad thing
Would be stunning
Kaleidescopic sensations course through me
The part of me that thinks .. that controls… that maintains sanity
Shuts down,
Or at least runs gibbering into a tiny silent corner and cowers
I'm left with sensations… emotions (because they're tied one to another)
And no real 'one' left inside me to hold them down
Just a placekeeper, really… a sort of dummy pilot
Whose only real purpose is to maintain some basic functions
I can do nothing here but cling desperately
To the ragged edges of sanity that are blowing in the winds of this maelstrom
Forming words is difficult. Thoughts nearly impossible.
You are my only anchor
This physical contact with you
Where skin touches skin
Where the warmth of your body leaks into mine
Warming… Healing…
Providing a glowing link.. a psychic umbilical cord
To that which remains constant
You replace the very ground as my point of contact
My hold on this Earth… this self
You become that which is stable

I have in me a pilot who loves to fly these sorts of coursing storms
She screams and begs and writhes
Sobs wrenchingly
To be let out
When she flies
She laughs in the face of danger! teeth bared she looks excitement in the eye
And laughs a wild free laugh
Lives for the moment… to the Devil with what may come tomorrow
Inside, I gag her, quiet her, soothe her
drop promises on her like lollipops
That I know I may not be able to keep
Of another tomorrow
Anything to keep her quiet … enough
Sane… enough
Lulled… enough
That she doesn't wrench control from me and run with the wind
Which would be desperately lovely, and wild, and free

The vista is .. panoramic
Oh, so inviting
Because you must come with me
If you don't also let go the earth and fly
We will drop like stones to the rocks below
We will separate in the winds
Lose one another in the mists of time
Devastating betrayals of soul and self… and other
Where you touch me now
Where our hands clasp
Where skin touches skin
Is at this moment my only anchor to both self and other
While you anchor yourself to earth still
If we're going to fly
You must come with me
Let go the earth
Course the winds
I can look at you
Entice you
I want to show you all this stunning beauty I see
I sense
Just over this precipice
I know it's there on nothing but faith
No concrete evidence
No promises
No guarantees
I can beg you with every molecule of self
Every bit of me…
Every bit but my voice
To hear… look… feel
Let go the earth
I won't push you, laughing… although she might
(Hence the lollipops)
Come with me willingly

Oh, please… come fly


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

An Invitation (work in progress)

lie naked with me
on hot summer sand
hear the gulls as they fly
feel the waves beat primal rhythms against the shore

lie naked with me
under a dark nights' sky
while the fireflies flirt
hear the crickets dance, the bullfrogs sing
and with me watch the fires of the universe turn

lie naked with me
on the green, green grass
let ladybugs tickle our toes
let warm winds ruffle our hair
while musky scent wafts from sun warmed skin

lie naked with me
stare blindly at the sky
arms raised resting
let me bathe myself in azure pools
til I drown & come alive again

lie naked with me
where our souls unbend
gently soften my angles
help me be a better self... a better me
til the curves of my self please your touch

lie naked with me
with covers thrown off
where passion has havoc wreaked
lend your soul... give your whole
flesh's pleasures finely tweaked

lie naked with me
as the tides wax & wane
as the sun & the moon chase
one another across our sky
lie with me while our skies darken and mortal eyes grow dim

lie naked with me
on some lazy afternoon
draw circles on my skin
watch the dust motes dance in the sunbeams

forget with me the world without, share the world within

~~ 06/2005

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

06/07/05 - Tuesday

Holding out. That's pretty much what I've been doing for YEARS now. Yeah, years. Doesn't that suck? Holding out for something the great big bad world defines as "perfect". For a relationship with a single human being that fills all those emotional, physical, and practical needs that clamour in cacaphony inside, begging for surcease - for a similar soul with whom to gibber in empathy in the long dark tea time of the soul. I haven't always thought along with the masses - there was a time when I was very flexible in considering options that Fate tossed my way! Then somewhere along the line I thought I'd give conservative a try, and got stubborn, started slamming doors on possibilities when they didn't meet the almighty criteria of the socially innane. Think Dharma v. Kitty ;-)

So where has that gotten me? Well... single, mostly. And why? Primarily because in getting sucked into those confines, I was unable to let go of the elite criteria. God forbid that I do things half way... if I'm gonna have to find "the one", then dammit, he's gonna be the ONE!

The little voice in my head gibbers away to itself.

I stopped to listen to it the other day... it's been a long time since I did that, too. That little voice has gotten more conservative as time has passed, but it still had some thoughts of its own that maybe I really ought to listen to. Perhaps it's happened before & I didn't notice it, but I seem to have a lovely confluence of people in my life right now. No "one", but perhaps... just perhaps... more than one that in combination does exactly what I was looking for in one.

One man: intelligent, witty, stunningly attractive, enjoys my company.... at least when I relax & let him enjoy it in his own way! A lover of life & all that's in it, including most of the people. Positively oriented to a degree that sets an undemanding example for everyone around him -- I notice that. I marvel at it, and since I learn best by rote, he helps me be a better person just by being in proximity. He glows with something golden, something Leonine. Warm & buttery, sun-drenched, wild & fierce. Doing little, he tosses the butterflies in my stomach into the air to create a stunning mosaic of fluttering emotions. He arouses a low growl of passion in me that he refuses to sate. He fills something in me I can't quite put my finger on, makes me crave ever so much more... that I don't think he can(?) will(?) give. But what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: intelligent, witty, very attractive, apparently enjoys my company. Hauling some emotional and historical baggage that he uses to buffer himself from people like clutching in front of him a huge overstuffed punching bag while the world takes pot shots at him. I adore his blunt honesty, his willingness to toss all the garbage into the fray & stand there saying "all that? yeah, that's mine." Waiting for the people around him to scoff, scorn, shred his flimsy bravado into the winds with simple condemnation. He is in agony to be loved... to love... and yet even loving won't fill the gaping maw inside around which his mind circles and circles frantically... unceasing. Probably nothing will. He can only give just so much before his mind goes tripping off elsewhere, and over the years he's learned how to ask questions, how to be there physically to conceal from whoever he's with that he just took a spill over into the abyss & left them behind. He's tried a bizillion things to stop the gibbering, nothing works for more than moments, if that. He may spend his life trying to fill that hole and never really grasp that it can't be filled, although I suspect he's beginning to get it. It can be contained, and occasionally sated juust enough to be ignored for awhile... but not filled. What does he want from me? Intimacy. Physical release combined with conversation... perhaps even communion. A place to toss out those needs and fears, likes, hopes, wants... have them be accepted, mulled over, picked through & finally deemed "not so bad". A place where a physical union confirms in the most primal way possible "you're ok... really... I like you still." I get that! I soooo get that. I can give that. There are many things he probably can't give.. and it's premature to think this... but what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: Well... this spot's still open, but it would be that someone who could & would be by my side, sharing my friends, my days, my daughter, my life. Someone who holds my hand & kisses me chastely, sweetly on the forehead to express his affection. Someone who will wrap their arms around me & let me rest my head on their shoulder not only in the privacy of our home, but at a parade. In line at the movies. At my parents' house. At his. Not "the one", but someone intelligent, witty, attractive, who adores me. (see a trend here? lol) Someone for whom I fill a need too. Someone to DO things with -- restaurants offer "two for one" deals that suck when you're just one. Movies are better shared, even if you share them in silence. Books are nicer read with someone by your side. Days are nicer when you have someone to talk to at the end of them. Troubles are nicer when you have someone you can count on to lend a hand.. or an ear... or a shoulder. The yard gets mowed quicker, the house cleaner, meals are more friendly when you do it with someone. My need for time alone - and a lot of it - is demanding. An actual physical need. But there are a lot of hours in a year... and once a need is sated, there's gotta be something else there, too. Maybe this guy wouldn't be around to sate lust, maybe he wouldn't touch that inner glow I can't quite define... maybe he wouldn't even be all that bright. But sometimes just BEING there is worth forgiving a world of sins. So what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One: Ha! One? ONE? I quit. My Dad always did tell me I did everything bass-ackwards, and you know what? I seem to recall that bass-ackwards WORKS for me. The world may have just tossed two of the triad I just described smack in my lap (again), and I think this time I'm going to pay some damn attention. At least I'm going to try! Maybe one or both of these two guys would even expand some naturally if I let them, & I wouldn't need the third. Maybe "the one" would even happen along if I stopped looking. But you know what? For now, I've got lessons to learn from both of these people... love to give them, time to make for them, and there's healing to go 'round for all of us.

What do you think? Does it stand a chance in hell of actually working?

Friday, June 03, 2005

06/03/05 -- Friday

It's my birthday. I'll cry if I want to.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

05/31/05 - Tuesday

"But what is a tease? A cruel misdirection? Or simply a lure?"

" flirt...tease... semantics! Although now that I think about it, I could split the hair thus: A flirt is a false lure with a future promise peeking from behind it... a tease is a false lure with a dead end in its wake."

So which are you?