Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thursday 09/11/2008

omg.. someone posted a comment. Now if I only knew who. Frustrating, that.

Has it really been so long? and then... has it really not been that long at all? Nearly a year since my last post. I almost forgot I had a blog. Two years since my world crumbled in upon itself and my soul followed. Two years languishing in some very deep wells of depression that seem to be finally beginning to even out into at least a lighter sort of grey. When I did remember I had a blog, I very nearly came out to erase everything, to make it much as though it had never been as possible. That would have been the second step towards erasing myself. But then, what is a year, after all? Time is such a subjective creature. Part of me has worked very hard at putting as much distance as possible between myself and everything around me. Part of me has worked very hard at eliminating passion, any sort of it, from proximity. I've done much to let the edges of time blur and fade in the last couple of years.

It has worked, to some extent. I have discovered that I tick on passion, & when there is no spark of 'something' in my life, I can put a whole lot of my Self on a shelf to gather dust. Not much of me is necessary to tick through the daily grind after all. Time has rushed by in a cacaphony of endlessly boring days and nights that never seemed to end. My efforts to make them blur and fade into nothing have for the most part been successful in the long run regardless of whatever agony I may be dealing with in the present.

Memory cannot be counted upon, I need visual reminders to keep them clear. There are very few pictures to remember the last 2-3 years. There has been very little, if any, writing. There have been some minor events, and some people, but with neither pictures nor writing, they have, will, and are fading & disappear quickly. I take a bitter sort of lonely revenge from that. People I've loved, people I wanted to capture in sight, in sensation forever, have shunned my camera... asked me to leave it put away. Now, as I watch my memories of them & their moments begin to fade in my head, I feel a bitter sense of sorrow.. regret.. and I told you so. I won't be able to remember the good times, because you did not encourage or permit me to capture them. And now I don't much care whether I capture anything at all. Let it go. Let the moment go on by. Let the memory fade. No pictures. Any joy we had will eventually be eclipsed by sorrow, so there's nothing here worth remembering anyway. Ha ha.. so there.

I'm just a freakin' ray of sunshine, aren't I? Not a very nice 'hello' after such a long absence. I probably shouldn't have gone back & read all those old posts before I started typing this at 3am. After all, I'm terribly susceptible to mood & suggestion. Even more so than I used to be. Comes with being more fragile. Tell you what... how's about I go get some sleep & try again tomorrow? Or in another day or two? There have been a few bright & lovely spots I was actually capable of noticing, especially in the last couple of months. Perhaps I can dredge up the wherewithal to post something pleasant or at the very least, better crafted for you. For me.

I know I have a story bit I could share. Just poured out of me this last week. Not happy, but certainly more full of energy. Feels strange to write again. Feels strange to feel something worth writing about. Kinda scary. Kinda familiar. Going to bed....


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