They seem so sure, my hands
As they roam this beautiful body of yours
Which houses such an infinite soul
They seek to touch
To know the fullness of you
To integrate self to self
To heal, to soothe
Connect one piece of self to the next
They seek, as a mother touches
Each tiny toe on her new child’s foot
To touch each part of you
Ensure you’re whole
That the world has not torn you asunder
Since last we met.
I am awash with wonder at your very existence.
11/26/05
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Awakenings
We awaken to one another
Slowly, oh so slowly
Slight petals of self
Unfurl one by one
We come to trust
In miniscule increments
The affections we bask in
Will not blink out and disappear
With but a moment’s notice
Small furled parts of me
Creep timidly to the edge of shadow
Peer with longing eyes
At the soft warmth of your hands
As you stroke
My hair, my lips, my thighs
Ever closer they come
Respond to your coaxing
When you murmur sweet things
In a voice low & warm with flame and promise
While the soft warmth of your hands
Stroke more intimate parts of me
Until I must surrender one more bit of self
Then lie curled and warm,
Protected in your embrace until dawn.
11/26/05
Slowly, oh so slowly
Slight petals of self
Unfurl one by one
We come to trust
In miniscule increments
The affections we bask in
Will not blink out and disappear
With but a moment’s notice
Small furled parts of me
Creep timidly to the edge of shadow
Peer with longing eyes
At the soft warmth of your hands
As you stroke
My hair, my lips, my thighs
Ever closer they come
Respond to your coaxing
When you murmur sweet things
In a voice low & warm with flame and promise
While the soft warmth of your hands
Stroke more intimate parts of me
Until I must surrender one more bit of self
Then lie curled and warm,
Protected in your embrace until dawn.
11/26/05
Thursday, October 27, 2005
You Don't Want to Hurt Me?
If you Love me
long enough
hard enough
deeply enough
Then there is no hurt you can cause me
however inadvertently
that we cannot heal
together or alone.
If, however,
you cannot find it within you
to Love me
that much
then there can be no action
no intent
no healing you can provide
that could seal the wound
that lack would leave.
So you see,
the only way through this
(and still have a chance
of succeeding in your desire
to not hurt me)
is forward.
--09/27/05
long enough
hard enough
deeply enough
Then there is no hurt you can cause me
however inadvertently
that we cannot heal
together or alone.
If, however,
you cannot find it within you
to Love me
that much
then there can be no action
no intent
no healing you can provide
that could seal the wound
that lack would leave.
So you see,
the only way through this
(and still have a chance
of succeeding in your desire
to not hurt me)
is forward.
--09/27/05
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
10/04/05 Tuesday
Have you ever had something or someone that makes you feel SO good that sometimes you find yourself fighting an urge to run away as far and as fast as you can? 'Cause if you run away, you'll never have to face watching them walk away of their own volition. I know.. faulty logic. But then.. who ever said the heart was logical?
Monday, September 12, 2005
09/12/05 - Monday (Lazy Blogger)
Yeah.... lazy blogger I am I am. Well, to be fair, I WAS sans-PC for a good week while I argued vehemently with an upgrade to my virus software. As far as I know, I won... but it could also be like an argument with my daughter: I just THINK I've won, & it'll come back & bite me in the glutes later. A lot has gone on the last week or two, & I've done some "paper&penning" that may or may not make it out here.. maybe retroactively? dunno. ANYWAY! I really really need to take a digital pic of the sweet stuff my secret blogger sent me... she's so sweet! Uh.. whoever she is... ;-) I saw Gwen sent out a finger-shaking yesterday to slackers who STILL haven't sent out August, and while I'm not one of THOSE, I felt the backlash, 'cause I haven't done my share of bragging on my secret pal yet! So I'm going to pad my barefoot ass out to my car (with which I've also been arguing vehemently btw), get my digital camera & hopefully post that pic in a few minutes. Here I go!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
09/03/05 Saturday am
I would say, "I slept in & it felt soooooo goood!".... but somehow it just seems categorically wrong to say that about 7 o'clock in the freakin' morning....
Friday, August 26, 2005
08/26/05 Friday
You ever just sit back a bit & wait for someone to miss you? And wait... and wait... and wait... til pretty soon it sort of dawns on you that they just don't? Yeah. That sucks.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
If You Forget Me (Pablo Neruda)
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon,
at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
-- Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973)
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon,
at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
-- Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973)
Monday, August 22, 2005
08/21/2005 - Sunday - Nervous, Love? Surely Not!
I spoke to you of nerves
Of scattered thinking
With breath held back, I did not mean to share
That particular bit of self
Before you begged me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
And yet once begun I could not return to nothings
You argued back sweet anticipation
Excitement flush, and all things good
And what I did not say
Although I said "what matters it, when all they feel the same"?
What I did not say
Was how these butterflies are not
Alone about your touch
Your smile, your look
Although these things affect me greatly
Nor what to say or when
Nor who to be nor why
Nor how you think and feel and live
Nor what sweet things might pass between us
as we walk some gentle forest path
No, these palpitations come due
As I suspect
Each moment with you to be quite possibly
The next moment of my very life
We together face a crossroads in my soul
Our souls?
I know not how it came to be
But yet it is
A mantle of responsibility
I try to hold free of your strong shoulders
(Which, by the way,
Are begging for my touch)
Although I struggle under the weight and breadth of it
Alone
The next sweet word or look or touch
A breath, a simple blade of grass
May be the one
deciding all the vistas yet to come
Set us forth on some great epic
Together or alone
You, reading, scoff. Say "Bah! silly girl
Are you not perhaps pretentious
Slow down, 'tis not that great a worry
You frighten me with your talk of tomorrows!"
Oh, love, I know
I feel it in my aged ageless soul
Portentious bliss or ruin lies before us
And my nerves of steel run molten craven coward
For though I think and fight and feel
Figure furiously in panic and in calculating calm
Still I do not know upon which path
We've set our silly feet
This knowing and unknowing fuels my fears
Anticipation, excitement comes with knowing
Bliss will come, is yours, is mine to have for taking
But nerves, those shake up from not knowing
And yet knowing that it matters… matters deeply
I will keep it from my face if not my hands
From my conversation and my laughter
Through my words alone in writing might you hear
These thoughts, these fears of mine
Unless you ask
Until you beg me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
To make of us our own
Some sweet tomorrow all anticipation
To be yours, be mine,
Be ours to have for taking
For then will nervousness have flown.
Of scattered thinking
With breath held back, I did not mean to share
That particular bit of self
Before you begged me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
And yet once begun I could not return to nothings
You argued back sweet anticipation
Excitement flush, and all things good
And what I did not say
Although I said "what matters it, when all they feel the same"?
What I did not say
Was how these butterflies are not
Alone about your touch
Your smile, your look
Although these things affect me greatly
Nor what to say or when
Nor who to be nor why
Nor how you think and feel and live
Nor what sweet things might pass between us
as we walk some gentle forest path
No, these palpitations come due
As I suspect
Each moment with you to be quite possibly
The next moment of my very life
We together face a crossroads in my soul
Our souls?
I know not how it came to be
But yet it is
A mantle of responsibility
I try to hold free of your strong shoulders
(Which, by the way,
Are begging for my touch)
Although I struggle under the weight and breadth of it
Alone
The next sweet word or look or touch
A breath, a simple blade of grass
May be the one
deciding all the vistas yet to come
Set us forth on some great epic
Together or alone
You, reading, scoff. Say "Bah! silly girl
Are you not perhaps pretentious
Slow down, 'tis not that great a worry
You frighten me with your talk of tomorrows!"
Oh, love, I know
I feel it in my aged ageless soul
Portentious bliss or ruin lies before us
And my nerves of steel run molten craven coward
For though I think and fight and feel
Figure furiously in panic and in calculating calm
Still I do not know upon which path
We've set our silly feet
This knowing and unknowing fuels my fears
Anticipation, excitement comes with knowing
Bliss will come, is yours, is mine to have for taking
But nerves, those shake up from not knowing
And yet knowing that it matters… matters deeply
I will keep it from my face if not my hands
From my conversation and my laughter
Through my words alone in writing might you hear
These thoughts, these fears of mine
Unless you ask
Until you beg me sweet and sure
To give, to let, to let you in
To make of us our own
Some sweet tomorrow all anticipation
To be yours, be mine,
Be ours to have for taking
For then will nervousness have flown.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
08/20/05 - Sunday - Room with a View
You fancy me in your lair
And I fancy you in mine
Shall we then
Perhaps
Someday
build one great web
With room for both of us and one
With room for any comely visitors
To perch and speak and stay
And several furred felines
Gathered 'round to share the secrets
Of our lives
Close around us as the feathers of a bird
Which warm
And soft
And plump
Surround us give us peace
Insulate us from the world
And from each other
We spin with silken dew-dropped threads
Miracles between us
And I fancy you in mine
Shall we then
Perhaps
Someday
build one great web
With room for both of us and one
With room for any comely visitors
To perch and speak and stay
And several furred felines
Gathered 'round to share the secrets
Of our lives
Close around us as the feathers of a bird
Which warm
And soft
And plump
Surround us give us peace
Insulate us from the world
And from each other
We spin with silken dew-dropped threads
Miracles between us
08/20/05 - Sunday - The Inevitability of Something Grand
Sometimes love is simple...
Lightning quick, fiery, passionate
Nature slashes you with her whip
of raw physicality
And cunningly, you cower
and whimper
and yet rise to the occasion
taking boldly what is yours
accepting boldly what is given
giving and receiving love in its rawest form
reciprocation of the inevitable
Sometimes love is complicated
Intrigue, romance
Secrets sneaking silent 'round your heart
involving your life
your plans
your people
stealing away in dark corners
dancing sometimes in moonlight,
sometimes in shadow
sometimes in sun bright and punishing as the Sarengetti
intricate steps
felt delicately with a blind partner
This thing with you confuses me
Confounds me
Befuddled, bewildered, discombobulated
My Thesaurus resounds with ways to say it
That yet don't quite grasp the essence
The minutia of what I "get" so completely
and yet fail so utterly to grasp
What we have
and what we don't have
who and what we might or might not yet be
is such a montage of oddities
Fire? Oh, yes!
In ageless fleeting moments
That sustain and flare my thoughts
In drought of you
You have given me fire
today embers banked safely against tomorrow
it will take but a seconds' breath to flare them into fire again
We WILL burn together
Someday or days
Some night or nights
Lovely flames, Phoenix rising from ashes
Calm? Oh, yes!
A peace and surety of sorts
That leads me ever onward
That sooths inevitable doubt
And conquers fear
Love? Oh, yes!
So many ways, and yet more
Ever so many more
to come: I see them:
Clear possibilities beckoning
willow-the-wisps
In a hazy distance
crystal constellations
sprinkled through the galaxy of future
Happiness? Oh, yes!
Even when doubt sets fire
to my dreamings
When I draw near to you
They melt away
like tiny pats of butter under the summer sun
Just knowing you are close
even when we have no plans to be
Driving towards you
I looked in the mirror to check some piddling detail
And found a stupid smile creeping 'cross my face
for no good reason whatsoever
Bah!
Sadness? Oh, yes...
Your two-year records
Leave me frightened
That I will join the harem
As little more than background noise
In a lovely cluttered room
But
Sometimes, love simply IS
Something that defies analyzing
defies analogy
defies offense and defense
There is no defense against the inevitable
Sometimes, no matter how many ways you turn it
Or how many kinds of light you use to
look it through
figure it out
make it happen
drive it away
In the end,
there is nothing you can do but accept it
Accept it as it comes
Whether it comes as you dreamed it
or not
Whether it fits your fantasies
or your present
or even your future
Sometimes you are simply helpless
and deep inside you know,
No matter what comes
You will take it
You will make the most of it
You will cherish every second you have
Even accept sorrow if it comes
Although you sweat and pray and dream and hope
With heart in throat and impatience nipping at your heels
That it will be bliss that comes in sorrow's stead
because sometimes
No matter how you struggle... or don't
Love simply is.
Lightning quick, fiery, passionate
Nature slashes you with her whip
of raw physicality
And cunningly, you cower
and whimper
and yet rise to the occasion
taking boldly what is yours
accepting boldly what is given
giving and receiving love in its rawest form
reciprocation of the inevitable
Sometimes love is complicated
Intrigue, romance
Secrets sneaking silent 'round your heart
involving your life
your plans
your people
stealing away in dark corners
dancing sometimes in moonlight,
sometimes in shadow
sometimes in sun bright and punishing as the Sarengetti
intricate steps
felt delicately with a blind partner
This thing with you confuses me
Confounds me
Befuddled, bewildered, discombobulated
My Thesaurus resounds with ways to say it
That yet don't quite grasp the essence
The minutia of what I "get" so completely
and yet fail so utterly to grasp
What we have
and what we don't have
who and what we might or might not yet be
is such a montage of oddities
Fire? Oh, yes!
In ageless fleeting moments
That sustain and flare my thoughts
In drought of you
You have given me fire
today embers banked safely against tomorrow
it will take but a seconds' breath to flare them into fire again
We WILL burn together
Someday or days
Some night or nights
Lovely flames, Phoenix rising from ashes
Calm? Oh, yes!
A peace and surety of sorts
That leads me ever onward
That sooths inevitable doubt
And conquers fear
Love? Oh, yes!
So many ways, and yet more
Ever so many more
to come: I see them:
Clear possibilities beckoning
willow-the-wisps
In a hazy distance
crystal constellations
sprinkled through the galaxy of future
Happiness? Oh, yes!
Even when doubt sets fire
to my dreamings
When I draw near to you
They melt away
like tiny pats of butter under the summer sun
Just knowing you are close
even when we have no plans to be
Driving towards you
I looked in the mirror to check some piddling detail
And found a stupid smile creeping 'cross my face
for no good reason whatsoever
Bah!
Sadness? Oh, yes...
Your two-year records
Leave me frightened
That I will join the harem
As little more than background noise
In a lovely cluttered room
But
Sometimes, love simply IS
Something that defies analyzing
defies analogy
defies offense and defense
There is no defense against the inevitable
Sometimes, no matter how many ways you turn it
Or how many kinds of light you use to
look it through
figure it out
make it happen
drive it away
In the end,
there is nothing you can do but accept it
Accept it as it comes
Whether it comes as you dreamed it
or not
Whether it fits your fantasies
or your present
or even your future
Sometimes you are simply helpless
and deep inside you know,
No matter what comes
You will take it
You will make the most of it
You will cherish every second you have
Even accept sorrow if it comes
Although you sweat and pray and dream and hope
With heart in throat and impatience nipping at your heels
That it will be bliss that comes in sorrow's stead
because sometimes
No matter how you struggle... or don't
Love simply is.
08/21/2005 - Sunday - Spoil a Blogger Request
My sweet secret blogger... more of a fey, actually... sent me a card & asked for some (more) ideas of the sorts of things that tickle my fancy. I'm slow to pick up mail sometimes, so I may be too late, but here you go!
((Go ahead... hum along if'n ya wanna))
Moonlight on rivers and deep silent forests
Butterflies and fireflies and flowers from a florist
Faires who glitter with dust on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Difficult puzzles made out of wood
Books that light fancies like Heinlein or Kerr
Candles that flicker twixt darkness and light
These are some things that I find out of sight
Baubles that shine from my lone index finger
Toerings and earrings with posts that don't linger
Music on CD's and movies on disc
None of these things would be much of a risk
Wehrenberg Theatres show good local movies
Dierbergs or Schnucks will bring flowers and goodies
Straight to my door, they would light up my face
I'm home on most days, they can leave in car space
Soft furry fancies that feel like the belly
Of kittens or rabbits, red or grape jelly
Symphony chocolate with almonds and Skor
Or things that come riding out straight out of lore
Like knights in shone armour with maidens in veils
Moments of romance down long winding trails
Pictures of someone I find that I love
Chocolate 'round Ice Cream and packaged by Dove
When the day sucks
When I can't post
When the 'sphere is slow
I simply go out there and hunt down some more
And that's how I logged on to Spoil-A-Blogger twwoooooo…. Point. Oh!
((Go ahead... hum along if'n ya wanna))
Moonlight on rivers and deep silent forests
Butterflies and fireflies and flowers from a florist
Faires who glitter with dust on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Difficult puzzles made out of wood
Books that light fancies like Heinlein or Kerr
Candles that flicker twixt darkness and light
These are some things that I find out of sight
Baubles that shine from my lone index finger
Toerings and earrings with posts that don't linger
Music on CD's and movies on disc
None of these things would be much of a risk
Wehrenberg Theatres show good local movies
Dierbergs or Schnucks will bring flowers and goodies
Straight to my door, they would light up my face
I'm home on most days, they can leave in car space
Soft furry fancies that feel like the belly
Of kittens or rabbits, red or grape jelly
Symphony chocolate with almonds and Skor
Or things that come riding out straight out of lore
Like knights in shone armour with maidens in veils
Moments of romance down long winding trails
Pictures of someone I find that I love
Chocolate 'round Ice Cream and packaged by Dove
When the day sucks
When I can't post
When the 'sphere is slow
I simply go out there and hunt down some more
And that's how I logged on to Spoil-A-Blogger twwoooooo…. Point. Oh!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
08/18/2005 - First Day of School
Dammit.. I SWORE I wasn't gonna cry any more. Blast it all anyway. I am such a baby! I hearby officially apologize to any parents with children older than mine who I (however secretly) thought were complete wussy sops when they wailed about their kids going to school for the first time. You knew I'd get mine, didn't you? And for all y'all who may still be thinking we're wussy sops? Well... you'll get yours, too. Just wait. Your turn is a-comin'.
Go to B's picture page if'n ya wanna see my young'un: http://baileysglory.blogspot.com/
Go to B's picture page if'n ya wanna see my young'un: http://baileysglory.blogspot.com/
Spoil-A-Blogger Q&A
I'm plaaaaying... I'm plaaaaaying... I get to play Spoil-A-Blogger 2.0 :0 What fun! I may be slower than molassas running up a hill backwards in January about getting my info posted out here, but I'm IN. Now don't go presuming you "know" I'm not your secret someone just 'cause I'm a procrastinator at posting. I'm much better at spoiling people than I am at getting my papers turned in on time ;-) (I know... I need to put a link in there... I'm coding-challenged, need to pull out my crib notes to do that, & have GOT to get to bed or B will be tardy for her first day at school tomorrow! You're lucky I got this far.) (I'll try to get to it soon. )
Q: What is your favorite color?
A1: Blueturningtopurpleturningtoredturningtomagenta -- Things in-between & Sunsets extraordinaire
A2: Opalescence
Q: What is your favorite scent?
A1: It used to be beer on a man's breath... but now I'd have to say it's more that musky sweaty scent on a recently showered man who has spent the last couple of hours thinking of nothing but me. Uh.. in a good way. And preferably with me present.
A2: Fresh mown grass & recently turned earth after a light shower
A3: Roast Beef & veggies simmering in a crock pot aaaaaaalllllll day
A4: I love the way coffee smells, but I won't drink it
A5: Cinnabar, Bill Blass, & Moonflower
A6: Drakkar Noir, Stetson, & Paul Sebastian
Q: Where is your favorite place to vacation?
A1: Ummm... I'm notoriously bad at taking vacation time. If anyone would like to come along & assist me with that, you're more than welcome! lol.
A2: Anywhere with trees & water. I'm not normally big on extreme temperatures, but I thought the canopy in Jamaica was stunningly beautiful, and I'd love to go whitewater rafting again.
Q: Do you collect anything?
A1: Bills & dustbunnies;-)
A2: Hugs, kisses, & other various & sundry sorts of affection! Applicants please form a line to the right
A3: Books - Sci/Fi, Fantasy mostly
A4: I have a passing fancy for frogs... although eventually it may pass? Heh.
Q: Do you have a favorite tv show?
A1: Not really... I'm more of a grazer with remote-engendered pre-carparal tunnel syndrome
Q: Are you crafty? If so, how?
A1: Like a fox! (Oh, yeah.. like that wasn't everyone's first thought)
Q: Do you have kids?
A1: Yep. A shot of tequila every night & a good beating once a week whether they need it or not has done wonders for the little ankle biter! (OMG, I'm just kidding.)
Q: Do you have pets?
A1: Didn't I just answer that question?
A2: OH... PETS! No, as of this writing, I'm still single. Thanks for asking, though!
A3: OH... PETS! Yes -- a cat who graciously allows us to live with her (Cassandra), a new as-yet-unnamed-pleccy in the pond (soon to be joined by some other fishy folk), and a hyperephasic Siberian hamster named Guido who lives at "the zoo" (J&S's house)
Q: What kind of movies do you like?
A1: Anything that makes me laugh... and I don't like the sort of humour that is engendered at other folks' expense. If it makes people feel bad, it's not funny. I just bought the "Thumb" parodies b/c they tickled my fancy. (Thumbtanic, Thumb Wars, BatThumb, Frankenthumb, The Blair Thumb, and .. um... alright, I haven't watched them all yet, give me a break!)
A2: Action, British humour, Love stories, classics, Black&White.... anything but horror. I don't want to watch a horror movie unless someone who's strong & smells good is gonna volunteer to let me "eeek" & hide my face in their shoulder, then be there when I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night!
Q: What kind of music do you listen to?
A1: Yes! (Not rap.)
Q: What kind of books do you like to read?
A1: Yes! Gee.. that was easy. lol
Q: Do you have a favorite magazine?
A1: Nope. The kind that stays out of my mailbox, maybe? I still get Reader's Digest as a gift, and that's one of the least objectionable out there... or Time maybe? The Mensa Magazine might be fun to get, too.
Q: What is your favorite weekend activity?
A1: I'm rather fond of breathing. Do a bit of that every weekend I can squeeze it in, in fact.
A2: Doing ANYTHING with my friends - y'all come up with it, I'm probably in.
A3: Alternately, doing not a darn thing with anyone... being alone & quiet in my own space with no interruptions & doing nothing remotely industrious or useful. Veg! Often paired with double-stuff oreos, milk, & a good book. If you can arrange for a good thunderstorm while I'm reading/napping, I'll adore you forever.
Q: What kind of work do you do?
A1: I'm a middle-man! I take &*%^$ from unhappy people on one end & pass it on to people who may very well have been happy until I came along & gave them the aforementioned *&%($ which they now need to fix. Then when they think they've fixed it, I troll it back again. If I'm lucky, they're right & it's really fixed. If I'm not lucky, we do it aaaaaall over again.
A2: I also have the privilege of edumacating the unedumacated & slightly confused about the wheretos & whatfors about & within the environs of my employer.
Q: What do you do for fun?
A1: Why... what a silly question. I Spoil-a-Blogger, of course! :)
Q: What's the average wingspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?
A1: OMG... who comes up with these silly questions, anyway ;-) (tee hee hee)
Q: What is your favorite color?
A1: Blueturningtopurpleturningtoredturningtomagenta -- Things in-between & Sunsets extraordinaire
A2: Opalescence
Q: What is your favorite scent?
A1: It used to be beer on a man's breath... but now I'd have to say it's more that musky sweaty scent on a recently showered man who has spent the last couple of hours thinking of nothing but me. Uh.. in a good way. And preferably with me present.
A2: Fresh mown grass & recently turned earth after a light shower
A3: Roast Beef & veggies simmering in a crock pot aaaaaaalllllll day
A4: I love the way coffee smells, but I won't drink it
A5: Cinnabar, Bill Blass, & Moonflower
A6: Drakkar Noir, Stetson, & Paul Sebastian
Q: Where is your favorite place to vacation?
A1: Ummm... I'm notoriously bad at taking vacation time. If anyone would like to come along & assist me with that, you're more than welcome! lol.
A2: Anywhere with trees & water. I'm not normally big on extreme temperatures, but I thought the canopy in Jamaica was stunningly beautiful, and I'd love to go whitewater rafting again.
Q: Do you collect anything?
A1: Bills & dustbunnies;-)
A2: Hugs, kisses, & other various & sundry sorts of affection! Applicants please form a line to the right
A3: Books - Sci/Fi, Fantasy mostly
A4: I have a passing fancy for frogs... although eventually it may pass? Heh.
Q: Do you have a favorite tv show?
A1: Not really... I'm more of a grazer with remote-engendered pre-carparal tunnel syndrome
Q: Are you crafty? If so, how?
A1: Like a fox! (Oh, yeah.. like that wasn't everyone's first thought)
Q: Do you have kids?
A1: Yep. A shot of tequila every night & a good beating once a week whether they need it or not has done wonders for the little ankle biter! (OMG, I'm just kidding.)
Q: Do you have pets?
A1: Didn't I just answer that question?
A2: OH... PETS! No, as of this writing, I'm still single. Thanks for asking, though!
A3: OH... PETS!
Q: What kind of movies do you like?
A1: Anything that makes me laugh... and I don't like the sort of humour that is engendered at other folks' expense. If it makes people feel bad, it's not funny. I just bought the "Thumb" parodies b/c they tickled my fancy. (Thumbtanic, Thumb Wars, BatThumb, Frankenthumb, The Blair Thumb, and .. um... alright, I haven't watched them all yet, give me a break!)
A2: Action, British humour, Love stories, classics, Black&White.... anything but horror. I don't want to watch a horror movie unless someone who's strong & smells good is gonna volunteer to let me "eeek" & hide my face in their shoulder, then be there when I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night!
Q: What kind of music do you listen to?
A1: Yes! (Not rap.)
Q: What kind of books do you like to read?
A1: Yes! Gee.. that was easy. lol
Q: Do you have a favorite magazine?
A1: Nope. The kind that stays out of my mailbox, maybe? I still get Reader's Digest as a gift, and that's one of the least objectionable out there... or Time maybe? The Mensa Magazine might be fun to get, too.
Q: What is your favorite weekend activity?
A1: I'm rather fond of breathing. Do a bit of that every weekend I can squeeze it in, in fact.
A2: Doing ANYTHING with my friends - y'all come up with it, I'm probably in.
A3: Alternately, doing not a darn thing with anyone... being alone & quiet in my own space with no interruptions & doing nothing remotely industrious or useful. Veg! Often paired with double-stuff oreos, milk, & a good book. If you can arrange for a good thunderstorm while I'm reading/napping, I'll adore you forever.
Q: What kind of work do you do?
A1: I'm a middle-man! I take &*%^$ from unhappy people on one end & pass it on to people who may very well have been happy until I came along & gave them the aforementioned *&%($ which they now need to fix. Then when they think they've fixed it, I troll it back again. If I'm lucky, they're right & it's really fixed. If I'm not lucky, we do it aaaaaall over again.
A2: I also have the privilege of edumacating the unedumacated & slightly confused about the wheretos & whatfors about & within the environs of my employer.
Q: What do you do for fun?
A1: Why... what a silly question. I Spoil-a-Blogger, of course! :)
Q: What's the average wingspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?
A1: OMG... who comes up with these silly questions, anyway ;-) (tee hee hee)
08/17/05 - Wednesday - The Eve of St John's
Well.. here we are.. the night before B starts Kindergarten. Did me absolutely no good to have purchased all her school supplies weeks ago... stocked up on far more uniform combinations than one little girl will need between now & the next time she shoots up another 4 inches like she did over the summer. (I predict at least 2" before Christmas. Any takers?) No... all that solid preparation gone to waste because STACY had to wait til the last blasted minute to do all her back-to-school shopping & kept us out bleary-eyed til Le Targe' closed at 10:00p tonight. Not only that, but she had difficulty finding even one of the THREE copies of the supply lists that I made for her. I know... I didn't have to go... but isn't that what friends are for? I've just gotta give her #*%&, though. As I said... isn't that what friends are for?
Did I mention that I mis-pronounced "artisan" in my substitute-parent Parent/Teacher conference with Haley's teacher? Egads. I'm sure she's looking forward to getting MY kid in a couple of years.
Ok now.. everyone PLEASE call me between 6:30 & 7am tomorrow & bug my answering machine until I wake up & ANSWER it. PLEAAASSSEE!!!! Otherwise, B is likely to start her school career with her very first Tardy, & it will be ALL MY FAULT. Gawd... why does school have to start so bleepin' early? CALL ME!
Did I mention that I mis-pronounced "artisan" in my substitute-parent Parent/Teacher conference with Haley's teacher? Egads. I'm sure she's looking forward to getting MY kid in a couple of years.
Ok now.. everyone PLEASE call me between 6:30 & 7am tomorrow & bug my answering machine until I wake up & ANSWER it. PLEAAASSSEE!!!! Otherwise, B is likely to start her school career with her very first Tardy, & it will be ALL MY FAULT. Gawd... why does school have to start so bleepin' early? CALL ME!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
08/16/05 -- Tuesday
I can't believe summer is drawing to a close! Where did it go? What did we do with it? For that matter... where'd the last five years go? My little girl starts Kindergarten in THREE DAYS!! Should I not be having a crisis of indefinite proportions? Aside from all the flurry of making sure I have uniforms that fit & the supplies the school requires, I feel as though I really ought to sit down somewhere & have a good cry... not only to mourn all the moments we've missed in the hustle of our lives, but to memorialize all the beautiful ones we have had that I'll carry in my memory until my brain starts losing bits. It makes me infinitely sad that I will stand at the (theoretical) bus stop by myself later this week to watch her go off to begin this new life. 'Cause it really is a new life. It is just now... tonight... really beginning to hit me: the enormity of this change for us. For her. She's so too little to really know it.. feel it... understand it. I know someday when she's a mother, she'll experience it too. That this is something every mother... every (involved) parent experiences. Growing pains! I have other parental friends who have gone through this... who empathize and sympathize, of course. 's not the same, though.. their love. Welcome as it is, this is one of those moments no parent should have to do alone. God set the system up for creation to require two people for a friggin' reason! This is one of those moments that leave me furious - livid, simmering, boiling mad that I will do it just that: alone. But aside from that, it is also one of those moments in parenthood that leave me in utter awe of their simplicity.. their inevitability. The beauty and the pain - the beginning of letting go as tiny wings unfurl just a bit more. It aches, and tears are rolling down my face... but oh, it will be beautiful to see her fly.
08/15/2005 -- Hello from Over Here
Years separate us
Miles separate us
A wealth of human experience lies between us
A chasm of ignorance
of knowledge
of having done and doing
A wife
Children
Jobs
Homes
pains, joys,
dreams and dreaming
And yet, when you held me in your arms
I felt the world fade away
That insoucant bubble of something
something odd
something delicious
warm
completely wonderful
something most remarkably individual
I've never felt with anyone else
drew around us, warm invisible cloak
tendrils of soul flare out towards one another
greet, warmly - old familiar friend
like when you place your fingers
warm against the glass of
one of those electricity balls at Spencer's
We can be so very distant
In so many ways
for so very, very long
and yet, I always feel you here
I never feel without you
Many kinds of loves leave me wanting
yearning, hoping... often in vain
waiting to be filled
with something I can't even define
Begging me to give something I may not have to give
But with you I have always felt simply
complete
I miss you
but I yearn for nothing
you're always here
It's that corner of my soul
where you once made yourself comfortable
it holds both memory and promise
stretches beyond this fragile lifetime
speaks of lifetimes stretching before & behind us
I know you're out there
and I know you will return
in some life, if not in this one
and with that I am content
How can I not be?
I trust in your love
In this something I cannot define
This something that is not Lover, but Loved
Not husband, but heart
Not passion, but muse
Not merely friend, but more
perhaps less in many ways, but still more
Not like anything with anyone else
It trancends my experience
Defies my explanations
Threatens nothing and noone
Who know me best, love me truly
You define a part of who I am
A part of who I used to be
A part of who I like to be
You are a pillar of my Creation
A piece of the foundation of my Self
Out there, living wonderfully
I send you....
warm thoughts
much love
Hope, faith, perserverance
all things good, and warm, and safe
exhilaration
appreciation of the present
and anticipation of the future
Of all people in the world
You, I love
Miles separate us
A wealth of human experience lies between us
A chasm of ignorance
of knowledge
of having done and doing
A wife
Children
Jobs
Homes
pains, joys,
dreams and dreaming
And yet, when you held me in your arms
I felt the world fade away
That insoucant bubble of something
something odd
something delicious
warm
completely wonderful
something most remarkably individual
I've never felt with anyone else
drew around us, warm invisible cloak
tendrils of soul flare out towards one another
greet, warmly - old familiar friend
like when you place your fingers
warm against the glass of
one of those electricity balls at Spencer's
We can be so very distant
In so many ways
for so very, very long
and yet, I always feel you here
I never feel without you
Many kinds of loves leave me wanting
yearning, hoping... often in vain
waiting to be filled
with something I can't even define
Begging me to give something I may not have to give
But with you I have always felt simply
complete
I miss you
but I yearn for nothing
you're always here
It's that corner of my soul
where you once made yourself comfortable
it holds both memory and promise
stretches beyond this fragile lifetime
speaks of lifetimes stretching before & behind us
I know you're out there
and I know you will return
in some life, if not in this one
and with that I am content
How can I not be?
I trust in your love
In this something I cannot define
This something that is not Lover, but Loved
Not husband, but heart
Not passion, but muse
Not merely friend, but more
perhaps less in many ways, but still more
Not like anything with anyone else
It trancends my experience
Defies my explanations
Threatens nothing and noone
Who know me best, love me truly
You define a part of who I am
A part of who I used to be
A part of who I like to be
You are a pillar of my Creation
A piece of the foundation of my Self
Out there, living wonderfully
I send you....
warm thoughts
much love
Hope, faith, perserverance
all things good, and warm, and safe
exhilaration
appreciation of the present
and anticipation of the future
Of all people in the world
You, I love
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
08/09/05 - Tuesday.. A Little Bit of Liquid Bliss
A pond, a pond, I have a pond! More important, I have a waterfall. Oh, the sheer music of it when I open my back door. Makes me want to change bedrooms with B so I can crack the window & listen to it all night long!!
Last week, my sis & her husband came in for a flying visit. In one day, out the next, their list of "wanna do"s for while they were here was long enough to make me exhausted just reading it, although I was game to give it a try. Luckily (for me), a good solid perusal of a clock prevailed... but (again, luckily for me), sanity did NOT. One field trip to Cahokia Mounds including my friend AmyS & her two kids in our crew was all the extracurricular activity we managed to squeeze in... but at the last minute my bold sis volunteered her know-how & her husband's brawn & told me if I'd buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. How's that for an offer, eh?
Well... actually... she told me if I could get Dad to buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. But I managed to talk her out of the Dad requirement & just let me buy it myself ;-) Them's sure some darn good ideas she comes up with, ain't they?
I've now made 5 trips to Yard Lines, 6 to Lowe's, 4 to Home Depot, 2 to Scott's, 3 to WalMart and 1 to Effinger's, and..... I have a POND! With water in it! And a WATERFALL! And lights (which are only working sporadically... my electrics wizard is on vacation or somesuchthing in Canada this week. Hmpf. The nerve! hee hee). And PLANTS, too! My sis brought with her a nice selection of several varieties of Hostas & ferns to fill out the flower bed we mangled into 1/2 it's original size, and I'm putting a sweet little retaining wall around the backside of them. (Got the paver sand last night.. now all I need is time & energy. Anybody got any time & energy they can loan me? I appear to be fresh out.) And this morning... well.. this morning I got WATER PLANTS! A REAL water lily, water lettuce, water hyacinth, water cannas, the water sweet grass K brought with her, and .. um... one other one I can't 'member the name of right now - Oh! Rain Lily (totally different from a water lily - it's green is all spiky like onion with pretty white flowers.) Geez, I hope my black thumb didn't touch 'em too long when I tossed 'em in!
I still have plenty to do -- settle the retaining wall in place, at least 2 more trips to Yard Lines for more rock, decide how to treat the edge of the pond that butts up against my patio, plant a few more greens, maybe put in another waterfall??, I need Shaun badly to get the electric settled properly (and safely), shop for a coupla fish, name the darn things, find a great little rocker and/or table/chairs for the patio (somehow, a strato-lounger, while conducive to pond-enjoyment, just doesn't seem to fit the ambiance.), then pick up some lemonade & see who I can coerce over to come & enjoy it with me. YEA! Maybe if I baked cookies?
Last week, my sis & her husband came in for a flying visit. In one day, out the next, their list of "wanna do"s for while they were here was long enough to make me exhausted just reading it, although I was game to give it a try. Luckily (for me), a good solid perusal of a clock prevailed... but (again, luckily for me), sanity did NOT. One field trip to Cahokia Mounds including my friend AmyS & her two kids in our crew was all the extracurricular activity we managed to squeeze in... but at the last minute my bold sis volunteered her know-how & her husband's brawn & told me if I'd buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. How's that for an offer, eh?
Well... actually... she told me if I could get Dad to buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. But I managed to talk her out of the Dad requirement & just let me buy it myself ;-) Them's sure some darn good ideas she comes up with, ain't they?
I've now made 5 trips to Yard Lines, 6 to Lowe's, 4 to Home Depot, 2 to Scott's, 3 to WalMart and 1 to Effinger's, and..... I have a POND! With water in it! And a WATERFALL! And lights (which are only working sporadically... my electrics wizard is on vacation or somesuchthing in Canada this week. Hmpf. The nerve! hee hee). And PLANTS, too! My sis brought with her a nice selection of several varieties of Hostas & ferns to fill out the flower bed we mangled into 1/2 it's original size, and I'm putting a sweet little retaining wall around the backside of them. (Got the paver sand last night.. now all I need is time & energy. Anybody got any time & energy they can loan me? I appear to be fresh out.) And this morning... well.. this morning I got WATER PLANTS! A REAL water lily, water lettuce, water hyacinth, water cannas, the water sweet grass K brought with her, and .. um... one other one I can't 'member the name of right now - Oh! Rain Lily (totally different from a water lily - it's green is all spiky like onion with pretty white flowers.) Geez, I hope my black thumb didn't touch 'em too long when I tossed 'em in!
I still have plenty to do -- settle the retaining wall in place, at least 2 more trips to Yard Lines for more rock, decide how to treat the edge of the pond that butts up against my patio, plant a few more greens, maybe put in another waterfall??, I need Shaun badly to get the electric settled properly (and safely), shop for a coupla fish, name the darn things, find a great little rocker and/or table/chairs for the patio (somehow, a strato-lounger, while conducive to pond-enjoyment, just doesn't seem to fit the ambiance.), then pick up some lemonade & see who I can coerce over to come & enjoy it with me. YEA! Maybe if I baked cookies?
Monday, August 08, 2005
08/08/05 -- What's it all About Alfie?
Good Lord Christ almighty you scare the crap outta me. I already told you I get nervous every time we get together -- butterflies, cold chills, sweaty palms, palpating heart... It's ridiculous. I left 4th grade behind me eons ago. One would thinksome of that would subside after awhile, wouldn't one? Well.. I may very well get better at sublimating the physical accoutrements of all this.. but the nervous reactions are really only boring their way deeper where you can't see them. The longer I know you, the more scared I get.. and at a much deeper level.
Shouldn't we call that excitement? you ask. Because "nervous" has such a negative connotation - as though something bad is going to happen. My careful answer to you was a quiet query: "Does it matter what you call it if it feels the same?" And valid, I think. But not what I thought first. My first thought, and still, is that "nervous" is something you feel, not only when you fear the worst.. but perhaps when you are certain that whatever it is you're contemplating has imminent potential to be a life-changing event. You are that. Camflouge it, hide it away, scoff, run all you like.. but you have been, are, will be something life-changing for me. I cannot escape it, and I don't know what the changes wrought will be. But I know it in my bones -- whatever becomes of us will change me forever.
You refuse to dally on an insignificant level. Slow, steady, inexorable.... you bore through insousance and frippery. If you decide to love, me, you will LOVE me. There will be no place for insincerity, no place for falsehood, no place for "I misunderstood", no loopholes, no escaping the lovely, enormous, frightening responsibilites in loving someone that way. I will have to step up to the plate and give as good as I get... I can do no less, it is not in me. It will be a commitment greater in magnitude than any I ever contemplated short of motherhood. Exceeding motherhood. FAR exceeding, as children come with a "must care for" tag while adults in theory can function on their own & therefor are easier to abandon. If you decide you do not love me, I cannot write it off casually as another Don Juan affair. I will know in that space in my soul that KNOWS that I was weighed, measured, tasted, spun round ... and found lacking. And where then in my soul in all the world in all the universes will I ever be able to believe in myself again?
And you would be so kind... I could not help but be your friend. Our lives will have entangled... I would smile, provide wry advice, laugh, hold myself in check and together. I would let nothing show in my demeanor or my actions, although my eyes might betray me, and more than one tear would grace a quickly snatched solitary corner. Yet every time I left you I would leave a slice of soul shrieking in some godforsaken wild bitter wilderness.
I am afraid of the golden wilderness.. the butterflies.. the sparkling brooks. I am terrified of the wonder that happens when we are together. The colours that light my sky within, the twinkle that lights my eyes. The warmth that steals across my skin and lights raging fires of passion in my soul. Your look... your smile... your touch... I am undone. I am insignificant, and within that insignificance, I am rebuilt. Reborn. Better, stronger, smarter, swifter, more loving.
Shouldn't we call that excitement? you ask. Because "nervous" has such a negative connotation - as though something bad is going to happen. My careful answer to you was a quiet query: "Does it matter what you call it if it feels the same?" And valid, I think. But not what I thought first. My first thought, and still, is that "nervous" is something you feel, not only when you fear the worst.. but perhaps when you are certain that whatever it is you're contemplating has imminent potential to be a life-changing event. You are that. Camflouge it, hide it away, scoff, run all you like.. but you have been, are, will be something life-changing for me. I cannot escape it, and I don't know what the changes wrought will be. But I know it in my bones -- whatever becomes of us will change me forever.
You refuse to dally on an insignificant level. Slow, steady, inexorable.... you bore through insousance and frippery. If you decide to love, me, you will LOVE me. There will be no place for insincerity, no place for falsehood, no place for "I misunderstood", no loopholes, no escaping the lovely, enormous, frightening responsibilites in loving someone that way. I will have to step up to the plate and give as good as I get... I can do no less, it is not in me. It will be a commitment greater in magnitude than any I ever contemplated short of motherhood. Exceeding motherhood. FAR exceeding, as children come with a "must care for" tag while adults in theory can function on their own & therefor are easier to abandon. If you decide you do not love me, I cannot write it off casually as another Don Juan affair. I will know in that space in my soul that KNOWS that I was weighed, measured, tasted, spun round ... and found lacking. And where then in my soul in all the world in all the universes will I ever be able to believe in myself again?
And you would be so kind... I could not help but be your friend. Our lives will have entangled... I would smile, provide wry advice, laugh, hold myself in check and together. I would let nothing show in my demeanor or my actions, although my eyes might betray me, and more than one tear would grace a quickly snatched solitary corner. Yet every time I left you I would leave a slice of soul shrieking in some godforsaken wild bitter wilderness.
I am afraid of the golden wilderness.. the butterflies.. the sparkling brooks. I am terrified of the wonder that happens when we are together. The colours that light my sky within, the twinkle that lights my eyes. The warmth that steals across my skin and lights raging fires of passion in my soul. Your look... your smile... your touch... I am undone. I am insignificant, and within that insignificance, I am rebuilt. Reborn. Better, stronger, smarter, swifter, more loving.
08/08/05 -- A Rift Between Reality and Dream
The softests of sheets
Smooth pillows plumped and scented
Cool silent breeze from ceiling fan
Cicadas sing outside the window
Sleep beckons from shadowed corners
Perfect.
And yet these things do not call to me
tonight there is no allure
whether tis my imagination or my intuition
which fails me
yet there it is
Tonight
I cannot imagine that one side of that bed
is slightly warmer than the other
I cannot make myself believe
That slight indention was left as you
tumbled sleepily out for a quick drink
and that you will quietly slip back in
just as I fall asleep
Lay one hand on my hip
Squirl around til you're comfortable again
My fantasies fall flat and lifeless
as I try to rev those mental gears
bringing so close to life
as to be but a shadow-thin difference
to mistake between moments with Morpheus
a sheet twisted oddly across my hips
for your arm
my breath reflected from another pillow
for yours
the cat curled across my ankles
for your feet, twining with mine in sleep
Tonight these things do not embrace me
they do not live and breathe
just that half twist from reality
that I might wiggle my way into... if I try hard enough
No squinting of eyes, no 3/4 turn widdershins
brings me close to feeling you here
Tonight, there is no allure
to sleeping in my bed alone
No matter how cool the sheets
or plump the pillows
or soothing the fan
or mesmerizing the Cicadas
I only want you there
Where I can touch you in sleep
Kiss your shoulder to warm my lips
Perhaps your lips to warm my soul
You are not there
and there is no allure
My sweet bed, ship of dreams
Catacomb of a million fantasies
Sure source of surcease and comfort
Tonight...
Tonight, it only looms
Alone
and lonely.
Smooth pillows plumped and scented
Cool silent breeze from ceiling fan
Cicadas sing outside the window
Sleep beckons from shadowed corners
Perfect.
And yet these things do not call to me
tonight there is no allure
whether tis my imagination or my intuition
which fails me
yet there it is
Tonight
I cannot imagine that one side of that bed
is slightly warmer than the other
I cannot make myself believe
That slight indention was left as you
tumbled sleepily out for a quick drink
and that you will quietly slip back in
just as I fall asleep
Lay one hand on my hip
Squirl around til you're comfortable again
My fantasies fall flat and lifeless
as I try to rev those mental gears
bringing so close to life
as to be but a shadow-thin difference
to mistake between moments with Morpheus
a sheet twisted oddly across my hips
for your arm
my breath reflected from another pillow
for yours
the cat curled across my ankles
for your feet, twining with mine in sleep
Tonight these things do not embrace me
they do not live and breathe
just that half twist from reality
that I might wiggle my way into... if I try hard enough
No squinting of eyes, no 3/4 turn widdershins
brings me close to feeling you here
Tonight, there is no allure
to sleeping in my bed alone
No matter how cool the sheets
or plump the pillows
or soothing the fan
or mesmerizing the Cicadas
I only want you there
Where I can touch you in sleep
Kiss your shoulder to warm my lips
Perhaps your lips to warm my soul
You are not there
and there is no allure
My sweet bed, ship of dreams
Catacomb of a million fantasies
Sure source of surcease and comfort
Tonight...
Tonight, it only looms
Alone
and lonely.
Friday, July 29, 2005
07/28/05 - Love on a Thursday Noonish
Contact!
firm, sure
reassuring
Enfolds me
shields me
warms me
Drawing me close
protection
salvation
comforting
reaffirming
exciting
Embraceable you
firm, sure
reassuring
Enfolds me
shields me
warms me
Drawing me close
protection
salvation
comforting
reaffirming
exciting
Embraceable you
Friday, July 22, 2005
07/22/05 - Friday
You know... anyone who scoffs at the idea of an intangible connection between yourself and someone you care about is deaf, dumb & blind to themselves. I think we get so tangled up in tangible proof... finding things that explain what you know... scathing looks, comments, a lack of something, a too much of something else. Sometimes "proof" just gets in the way of knowing things. I don't always listen to that silent voice inside, but I should. And I think I do listen more often than many. Something is wrong. No, not quite "wrong"... but Something is not-right. Not in a big, bold, "DANGER!" sort of way, but in a closed door with no door knob on my side of it sort of way. And I know that the person on the other side knows I'm on the other side of it. Something is not-right in a blocking access, close down the connection sort of way. I'm not omniscient (don't tell my daughter!), and I don't know why or how or for how long or what made it/makes it happen or what's going on or whether it's a conscious or unconscious thing or defensive or offensive or automatic or controlled or anything else about it except that it's there. It's like putting a perfectly clear glass box in a stream of water -- you can't see it, but you can feel it. If you know where to look, you can see that the water flows around it now... the currents change as a result of it being there. That same sense tells me there is no action I can take that will alter this in any way I'd like. I much prefer it when those senses point me towards something I can DO... but there it is. Not ready to leave yet... so I think I'll just hunker down & wait a bit. Close my eyes & watch what happens. Could be interesting! And, at least in theory, I've got allll the time in the world.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
07/20/05 - Wednesday 1
Just a couple of days ago I got what is quite possibly one of the nicest compliments of my life. The phone rang, I picked it up, said something equivilating "Hello", ('cause I almost never just say "hello", much prefering something more unsettling like "Dammit, I TOLD you I didn't do it!"... I stand backwards on elevators & talk to strangers, too.) Since the person calling me is one of those who isn't phazed in the least by such uncouth phone manners, my not-a-hello was returned with a "are you just about the coolest person I've ever known, or what?"
Now while that's really not a bad greeting with which to begin a conversation, I laughed & was ready to blow it off as just a simple rejoinder. But during the course of our conversation, it expanded... blossomed... and has continued to do so the more I think about it. I was told.. in all seriousness.. that while on first meeting me a person may conceivably decide I'm "cool" or "ok" or even "eh" or "notsamuch". But the longer someone knows me, the neater I get. The more someone knows me, the more interesting little nooks & crannies you (apparently) find in the way I think.. the things I do (or would like to do.. or would be willing to do.. or at least hear about). The more time and effort someone spends knowing me in my entirety, the better the package becomes. The more time and effort you spend, the more it glows, beckons, becomes something you want more of and want to ensure it sticks around in YOUR life for a long, long time.
No... they weren't drunk.
Now this person is themselves what I think of as mighty interesting. Made some interesting decisions in their life, has a lot of flavor in their soul, smart, loving, funny, interesting, cool to hang with, cool to cry with, a GREAT friend - definitely one of the few in my "these are the people that I know will be there to hold me together, pick up the pieces, put me back together when my world shatters in a major way" category. Really major. Like when my parents die, or if I found out I had cancer or leukemia or if something happened to my child. That kind of major. It's one thing to be told nice things about yourself from a schmooze, but this person would also tell me what a stupid ass I was if it was truth.
No... they weren't trying to get laid.
That just kicks ass, doesn't it? Not only that, but I've known this person for ... cripes... 30 years? And not all of them were good ones, either -- we had a few rough times to add some spice to our history, too. But in 30 years you'd think you'd start getting "same ol' cracker" on someone, wouldn't you? So how much better does that make hearing this?
No... they weren't asking for money either. Geesh.
Of course, they might just be freakin' nuts.
Now while that's really not a bad greeting with which to begin a conversation, I laughed & was ready to blow it off as just a simple rejoinder. But during the course of our conversation, it expanded... blossomed... and has continued to do so the more I think about it. I was told.. in all seriousness.. that while on first meeting me a person may conceivably decide I'm "cool" or "ok" or even "eh" or "notsamuch". But the longer someone knows me, the neater I get. The more someone knows me, the more interesting little nooks & crannies you (apparently) find in the way I think.. the things I do (or would like to do.. or would be willing to do.. or at least hear about). The more time and effort someone spends knowing me in my entirety, the better the package becomes. The more time and effort you spend, the more it glows, beckons, becomes something you want more of and want to ensure it sticks around in YOUR life for a long, long time.
No... they weren't drunk.
Now this person is themselves what I think of as mighty interesting. Made some interesting decisions in their life, has a lot of flavor in their soul, smart, loving, funny, interesting, cool to hang with, cool to cry with, a GREAT friend - definitely one of the few in my "these are the people that I know will be there to hold me together, pick up the pieces, put me back together when my world shatters in a major way" category. Really major. Like when my parents die, or if I found out I had cancer or leukemia or if something happened to my child. That kind of major. It's one thing to be told nice things about yourself from a schmooze, but this person would also tell me what a stupid ass I was if it was truth.
No... they weren't trying to get laid.
That just kicks ass, doesn't it? Not only that, but I've known this person for ... cripes... 30 years? And not all of them were good ones, either -- we had a few rough times to add some spice to our history, too. But in 30 years you'd think you'd start getting "same ol' cracker" on someone, wouldn't you? So how much better does that make hearing this?
No... they weren't asking for money either. Geesh.
Of course, they might just be freakin' nuts.
07/20/05 -- Wednesday 2
Oh.. yeah, in case you're wondering? Yes, they'll read my earlier post. The person I referenced is one of the *(*%&$&*&*** folks who has kindly contributed to my ever so humble 1200+ counter hits but then DOESN'T LEAVE ANY FREAKIN' COMMENTS!!!!!!
Voyeurs, every one of you.
Voyeurs, every one of you.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
07/18/05 - Somezen to Think About
In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao, everyday something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering.
And.......
True perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty, yet it is fully present.
True strength seems crooked. True wisdom seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.
(unknown original source - thanks, Lu)
In the practice of the Tao, everyday something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering.
And.......
True perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty, yet it is fully present.
True strength seems crooked. True wisdom seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.
(unknown original source - thanks, Lu)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Lessons from the Cat
I've always thought you can tell a lot about a person by their pets - not just what type of animal they are, but by their personalities. My cat Cassandra has a completely different personality than other cats that have gone through my life. Here are some things Cassie is teaching me / reminding me these days:
- If it feels good, purr.
- Don't use people as a springboard/launch when you can get where you want to go by jumping over them instead.
- When someone is willing to give you attention, make the most of it. Enjoy it with every ounce of your being. Visibly!
- When someone doesn't want to give you attention, take the hint fast & find somewhere else to be.
- Let people know when you want to be loved on.
- But don't take offense just because someone isn't in the mood to pet you "right now".
- Give back at least as much affection as you receive.
- Be patient with kids. When you can't stand it anymore, run & hide.
- Physical responses to antagonism should be an extreme last resort.
- Stay out of people's faces.
- Playing rough is fun sometimes, but stop when the other person says so!
- When you do play rough/bite, don't break skin.
- Sometimes it's kinda nice just to be in quiet proximity to the people you love.
- If someone hurts you, tell them so.
- Forgive quickly & easily.
- People will take care of you if you let them.
- Let them!
- If it feels good, PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
The Date: The Official News Release Version
Well… I probably shouldn't tell you this, but as long as you keep it to yourself…. Can you believe that within 20 minutes of picking me up he already had me breathing heavy? It wasn't long at all before we both broke a light sweat, & I knew that tomorrow I would be feeling muscles I had forgotten were there - especially in my thighs! Up & down, in & out, he explored every nook & cranny, carrying me along with him with in our enthusiasm - sometimes taking the initiative, sometimes letting me do the exploring. Always a willing participant. After a bit, he tried to talk me into putting some particulars of my clothes back on, but I really didn't want to, b/c I wasn't DONE yet! Well, he acquiesced in good humour & with some enthusiasm we were back at it shortly. Eventually, though, we both got peckish, decided a break was in order, put some shoes on and went for some yummy food. The cool air of the restaurant & some iced drinks helped dampen the heat we had generated between us, and after an excellent meal we went back to my house with the intent of talking a bit. Well, one thing led to another, and the equipment was really a lot slower to 'boot up', so to speak, than either of us anticipated, although once it was up & running there was certainly plenty to see! He showed me lots of things it could do, and I just know there's stuff he held back. Even holding back, the things he could do with his equipment were absolutely out of this world! I'm really hoping I get another chance to experience it another time. In the end, we decided it would really be best if he didn't spend the whole night… although it was still almost 1am before we finally parted ways with some reluctance & many small intimate stops on the way to the door. Definitely an evening I'd like to repeat~!
(It's not what it sounds like... get your mind out of the gutter!)
(It's not what it sounds like... get your mind out of the gutter!)
Friday, June 17, 2005
06/17/05 - Thought Processes II
I theorize that most people pay the most attention to the main section of blob. Many may not even see the other bits at all! However, when an idea is dropped into my head, my natural instinct is to look at the streamers and the bits BEFORE looking at the blob. I have no difficulty understanding & accepting that even though there may no longer be any clear connection between bits & blob, the bits were certainly born of blob, which makes them acceptable. Not odd. Not frightening.
Not only that, but since the bits are far more unique than the blob, what I find is that they're far more interesting to examine. The streamers and the bits take on an importance and a focus out of perspective to their actual mass. There may be LOTS more blob… but I'll ignore that completely to explore the more interesting things that are going on in the outer edges of the splatter pattern.
And I'll want to explore them all! Since I still see them all as part of the original (while still comprehending their uniqueness), I can jump from bit to disconnected bit in a flash. Thought to apparently unrelated thought.
Not only that, but since the bits are far more unique than the blob, what I find is that they're far more interesting to examine. The streamers and the bits take on an importance and a focus out of perspective to their actual mass. There may be LOTS more blob… but I'll ignore that completely to explore the more interesting things that are going on in the outer edges of the splatter pattern.
And I'll want to explore them all! Since I still see them all as part of the original (while still comprehending their uniqueness), I can jump from bit to disconnected bit in a flash. Thought to apparently unrelated thought.
06/17/05 - Thought Processes I
Picture what happens when you drop a dollop of something semi-liquidy to the ground from a height of several feet. Go do it if you need to so you really have a good visual. Yogurt maybe. Or cottage cheese. See how the majority of the stuff stays where it impacted? Think of that dollop of stuff you dropped as the germ of an idea. Then think of that space where the majority of stuff stayed as the range of thought that, when a idea is dropped into their psyche, most people encompass, most of the time.
Now look at the rest of the mess. See how bits of the stuff also shot out in every direction? You have streamers of stuff still connected to the mass by thin strands that stretch out aways - some short, some long. You also have bits that became disconnected from the mass completely, forming tiny blobs of their own… often farther from initial impact than you would have imagined.
Imagine cleaning up the main mess - everything that's connected - and walk away. You can imagine how someone coming along later may not grasp how those outlying tiny bits (that weren't connected, therefore were not cleaned up) came to be there. There are no longer any clues - no visual connection - to explain how they came into being. It would be a mystery to them. Odd. Annoying. Maybe even frightening.
Now expand your splatter off of a flat surface & into more dimensions: gently pop a suspended water balloon or something. You will find that you can somewhat control the majority of the splatter based on how hard you were pushing when you popped it, and in what direction you were pushing. But you can't control all of the stuff - some bits will splatter the opposite way, and no matter what, you've got bits going in more directions than you did when you were simply hitting the floor.
Drop an idea into a mind… the splatter pattern is phenomenal.
Now look at the rest of the mess. See how bits of the stuff also shot out in every direction? You have streamers of stuff still connected to the mass by thin strands that stretch out aways - some short, some long. You also have bits that became disconnected from the mass completely, forming tiny blobs of their own… often farther from initial impact than you would have imagined.
Imagine cleaning up the main mess - everything that's connected - and walk away. You can imagine how someone coming along later may not grasp how those outlying tiny bits (that weren't connected, therefore were not cleaned up) came to be there. There are no longer any clues - no visual connection - to explain how they came into being. It would be a mystery to them. Odd. Annoying. Maybe even frightening.
Now expand your splatter off of a flat surface & into more dimensions: gently pop a suspended water balloon or something. You will find that you can somewhat control the majority of the splatter based on how hard you were pushing when you popped it, and in what direction you were pushing. But you can't control all of the stuff - some bits will splatter the opposite way, and no matter what, you've got bits going in more directions than you did when you were simply hitting the floor.
Drop an idea into a mind… the splatter pattern is phenomenal.
Questions Hard to Answer
"How are you feeling?", he asks
How am I?
I'm standing.. teetering…
On the edge of a very lovely precipice
Over which to fall would not be a bad thing
Would be stunning
Lovely
Kaleidescopic sensations course through me
Bouncing
Rebounding
Telescoping
The part of me that thinks .. that controls… that maintains sanity
Shuts down,
Or at least runs gibbering into a tiny silent corner and cowers
I'm left with sensations… emotions (because they're tied one to another)
And no real 'one' left inside me to hold them down
Just a placekeeper, really… a sort of dummy pilot
Whose only real purpose is to maintain some basic functions
I can do nothing here but cling desperately
To the ragged edges of sanity that are blowing in the winds of this maelstrom
Forming words is difficult. Thoughts nearly impossible.
You are my only anchor
This physical contact with you
Where skin touches skin
Where the warmth of your body leaks into mine
Warming… Healing…
Providing a glowing link.. a psychic umbilical cord
To that which remains constant
You replace the very ground as my point of contact
My hold on this Earth… this self
You become that which is stable
Safe
Trustworthy
I have in me a pilot who loves to fly these sorts of coursing storms
She screams and begs and writhes
Sobs wrenchingly
To be let out
When she flies
She laughs in the face of danger! teeth bared she looks excitement in the eye
And laughs a wild free laugh
infectious
Lives for the moment… to the Devil with what may come tomorrow
Inside, I gag her, quiet her, soothe her
drop promises on her like lollipops
That I know I may not be able to keep
Of another tomorrow
Anything to keep her quiet … enough
Sane… enough
Lulled… enough
That she doesn't wrench control from me and run with the wind
Which would be desperately lovely, and wild, and free
The vista is .. panoramic
Oh, so inviting
Tempting
Tantalizing
No!
Why?
Because you must come with me
If you don't also let go the earth and fly
We will drop like stones to the rocks below
We will separate in the winds
Lose one another in the mists of time
Screaming
Crying
Calling
Yearning
Devastating betrayals of soul and self… and other
Where you touch me now
Where our hands clasp
Where skin touches skin
Is at this moment my only anchor to both self and other
While you anchor yourself to earth still
If we're going to fly
You must come with me
Let go the earth
Course the winds
I can look at you
Entice you
I want to show you all this stunning beauty I see
I sense
Just over this precipice
I know it's there on nothing but faith
No concrete evidence
No promises
No guarantees
I can beg you with every molecule of self
Every bit of me…
Every bit but my voice
To hear… look… feel
Let go the earth
I won't push you, laughing… although she might
(Hence the lollipops)
Come with me willingly
Oh, please… come fly
~~06/17/05
How am I?
I'm standing.. teetering…
On the edge of a very lovely precipice
Over which to fall would not be a bad thing
Would be stunning
Lovely
Kaleidescopic sensations course through me
Bouncing
Rebounding
Telescoping
The part of me that thinks .. that controls… that maintains sanity
Shuts down,
Or at least runs gibbering into a tiny silent corner and cowers
I'm left with sensations… emotions (because they're tied one to another)
And no real 'one' left inside me to hold them down
Just a placekeeper, really… a sort of dummy pilot
Whose only real purpose is to maintain some basic functions
I can do nothing here but cling desperately
To the ragged edges of sanity that are blowing in the winds of this maelstrom
Forming words is difficult. Thoughts nearly impossible.
You are my only anchor
This physical contact with you
Where skin touches skin
Where the warmth of your body leaks into mine
Warming… Healing…
Providing a glowing link.. a psychic umbilical cord
To that which remains constant
You replace the very ground as my point of contact
My hold on this Earth… this self
You become that which is stable
Safe
Trustworthy
I have in me a pilot who loves to fly these sorts of coursing storms
She screams and begs and writhes
Sobs wrenchingly
To be let out
When she flies
She laughs in the face of danger! teeth bared she looks excitement in the eye
And laughs a wild free laugh
infectious
Lives for the moment… to the Devil with what may come tomorrow
Inside, I gag her, quiet her, soothe her
drop promises on her like lollipops
That I know I may not be able to keep
Of another tomorrow
Anything to keep her quiet … enough
Sane… enough
Lulled… enough
That she doesn't wrench control from me and run with the wind
Which would be desperately lovely, and wild, and free
The vista is .. panoramic
Oh, so inviting
Tempting
Tantalizing
No!
Why?
Because you must come with me
If you don't also let go the earth and fly
We will drop like stones to the rocks below
We will separate in the winds
Lose one another in the mists of time
Screaming
Crying
Calling
Yearning
Devastating betrayals of soul and self… and other
Where you touch me now
Where our hands clasp
Where skin touches skin
Is at this moment my only anchor to both self and other
While you anchor yourself to earth still
If we're going to fly
You must come with me
Let go the earth
Course the winds
I can look at you
Entice you
I want to show you all this stunning beauty I see
I sense
Just over this precipice
I know it's there on nothing but faith
No concrete evidence
No promises
No guarantees
I can beg you with every molecule of self
Every bit of me…
Every bit but my voice
To hear… look… feel
Let go the earth
I won't push you, laughing… although she might
(Hence the lollipops)
Come with me willingly
Oh, please… come fly
~~06/17/05
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
An Invitation (work in progress)
lie naked with me
on hot summer sand
hear the gulls as they fly
feel the waves beat primal rhythms against the shore
lie naked with me
under a dark nights' sky
while the fireflies flirt
hear the crickets dance, the bullfrogs sing
and with me watch the fires of the universe turn
lie naked with me
on the green, green grass
let ladybugs tickle our toes
let warm winds ruffle our hair
while musky scent wafts from sun warmed skin
lie naked with me
stare blindly at the sky
arms raised resting
let me bathe myself in azure pools
til I drown & come alive again
lie naked with me
where our souls unbend
gently soften my angles
help me be a better self... a better me
til the curves of my self please your touch
lie naked with me
with covers thrown off
where passion has havoc wreaked
lend your soul... give your whole
flesh's pleasures finely tweaked
lie naked with me
as the tides wax & wane
as the sun & the moon chase
one another across our sky
lie with me while our skies darken and mortal eyes grow dim
lie naked with me
on some lazy afternoon
draw circles on my skin
watch the dust motes dance in the sunbeams
forget with me the world without, share the world within
~~ 06/2005
on hot summer sand
hear the gulls as they fly
feel the waves beat primal rhythms against the shore
lie naked with me
under a dark nights' sky
while the fireflies flirt
hear the crickets dance, the bullfrogs sing
and with me watch the fires of the universe turn
lie naked with me
on the green, green grass
let ladybugs tickle our toes
let warm winds ruffle our hair
while musky scent wafts from sun warmed skin
lie naked with me
stare blindly at the sky
arms raised resting
let me bathe myself in azure pools
til I drown & come alive again
lie naked with me
where our souls unbend
gently soften my angles
help me be a better self... a better me
til the curves of my self please your touch
lie naked with me
with covers thrown off
where passion has havoc wreaked
lend your soul... give your whole
flesh's pleasures finely tweaked
lie naked with me
as the tides wax & wane
as the sun & the moon chase
one another across our sky
lie with me while our skies darken and mortal eyes grow dim
lie naked with me
on some lazy afternoon
draw circles on my skin
watch the dust motes dance in the sunbeams
forget with me the world without, share the world within
~~ 06/2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
06/07/05 - Tuesday
Holding out. That's pretty much what I've been doing for YEARS now. Yeah, years. Doesn't that suck? Holding out for something the great big bad world defines as "perfect". For a relationship with a single human being that fills all those emotional, physical, and practical needs that clamour in cacaphony inside, begging for surcease - for a similar soul with whom to gibber in empathy in the long dark tea time of the soul. I haven't always thought along with the masses - there was a time when I was very flexible in considering options that Fate tossed my way! Then somewhere along the line I thought I'd give conservative a try, and got stubborn, started slamming doors on possibilities when they didn't meet the almighty criteria of the socially innane. Think Dharma v. Kitty ;-)
So where has that gotten me? Well... single, mostly. And why? Primarily because in getting sucked into those confines, I was unable to let go of the elite criteria. God forbid that I do things half way... if I'm gonna have to find "the one", then dammit, he's gonna be the ONE!
The little voice in my head gibbers away to itself.
I stopped to listen to it the other day... it's been a long time since I did that, too. That little voice has gotten more conservative as time has passed, but it still had some thoughts of its own that maybe I really ought to listen to. Perhaps it's happened before & I didn't notice it, but I seem to have a lovely confluence of people in my life right now. No "one", but perhaps... just perhaps... more than one that in combination does exactly what I was looking for in one.
One man: intelligent, witty, stunningly attractive, enjoys my company.... at least when I relax & let him enjoy it in his own way! A lover of life & all that's in it, including most of the people. Positively oriented to a degree that sets an undemanding example for everyone around him -- I notice that. I marvel at it, and since I learn best by rote, he helps me be a better person just by being in proximity. He glows with something golden, something Leonine. Warm & buttery, sun-drenched, wild & fierce. Doing little, he tosses the butterflies in my stomach into the air to create a stunning mosaic of fluttering emotions. He arouses a low growl of passion in me that he refuses to sate. He fills something in me I can't quite put my finger on, makes me crave ever so much more... that I don't think he can(?) will(?) give. But what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?
One man: intelligent, witty, very attractive, apparently enjoys my company. Hauling some emotional and historical baggage that he uses to buffer himself from people like clutching in front of him a huge overstuffed punching bag while the world takes pot shots at him. I adore his blunt honesty, his willingness to toss all the garbage into the fray & stand there saying "all that? yeah, that's mine." Waiting for the people around him to scoff, scorn, shred his flimsy bravado into the winds with simple condemnation. He is in agony to be loved... to love... and yet even loving won't fill the gaping maw inside around which his mind circles and circles frantically... unceasing. Probably nothing will. He can only give just so much before his mind goes tripping off elsewhere, and over the years he's learned how to ask questions, how to be there physically to conceal from whoever he's with that he just took a spill over into the abyss & left them behind. He's tried a bizillion things to stop the gibbering, nothing works for more than moments, if that. He may spend his life trying to fill that hole and never really grasp that it can't be filled, although I suspect he's beginning to get it. It can be contained, and occasionally sated juust enough to be ignored for awhile... but not filled. What does he want from me? Intimacy. Physical release combined with conversation... perhaps even communion. A place to toss out those needs and fears, likes, hopes, wants... have them be accepted, mulled over, picked through & finally deemed "not so bad". A place where a physical union confirms in the most primal way possible "you're ok... really... I like you still." I get that! I soooo get that. I can give that. There are many things he probably can't give.. and it's premature to think this... but what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?
One man: Well... this spot's still open, but it would be that someone who could & would be by my side, sharing my friends, my days, my daughter, my life. Someone who holds my hand & kisses me chastely, sweetly on the forehead to express his affection. Someone who will wrap their arms around me & let me rest my head on their shoulder not only in the privacy of our home, but at a parade. In line at the movies. At my parents' house. At his. Not "the one", but someone intelligent, witty, attractive, who adores me. (see a trend here? lol) Someone for whom I fill a need too. Someone to DO things with -- restaurants offer "two for one" deals that suck when you're just one. Movies are better shared, even if you share them in silence. Books are nicer read with someone by your side. Days are nicer when you have someone to talk to at the end of them. Troubles are nicer when you have someone you can count on to lend a hand.. or an ear... or a shoulder. The yard gets mowed quicker, the house cleaner, meals are more friendly when you do it with someone. My need for time alone - and a lot of it - is demanding. An actual physical need. But there are a lot of hours in a year... and once a need is sated, there's gotta be something else there, too. Maybe this guy wouldn't be around to sate lust, maybe he wouldn't touch that inner glow I can't quite define... maybe he wouldn't even be all that bright.But sometimes just BEING there is worth forgiving a world of sins. So what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?
One: Ha! One? ONE? I quit. My Dad always did tell me I did everything bass-ackwards, and you know what? I seem to recall that bass-ackwards WORKS for me. The world may have just tossed two of the triad I just described smack in my lap (again), and I think this time I'm going to pay some damn attention. At least I'm going to try! Maybe one or both of these two guys would even expand some naturally if I let them, & I wouldn't need the third. Maybe "the one" would even happen along if I stopped looking. But you know what? For now, I've got lessons to learn from both of these people... love to give them, time to make for them, and there's healing to go 'round for all of us.
What do you think? Does it stand a chance in hell of actually working?
So where has that gotten me? Well... single, mostly. And why? Primarily because in getting sucked into those confines, I was unable to let go of the elite criteria. God forbid that I do things half way... if I'm gonna have to find "the one", then dammit, he's gonna be the ONE!
The little voice in my head gibbers away to itself.
I stopped to listen to it the other day... it's been a long time since I did that, too. That little voice has gotten more conservative as time has passed, but it still had some thoughts of its own that maybe I really ought to listen to. Perhaps it's happened before & I didn't notice it, but I seem to have a lovely confluence of people in my life right now. No "one", but perhaps... just perhaps... more than one that in combination does exactly what I was looking for in one.
One man: intelligent, witty, stunningly attractive, enjoys my company.... at least when I relax & let him enjoy it in his own way! A lover of life & all that's in it, including most of the people. Positively oriented to a degree that sets an undemanding example for everyone around him -- I notice that. I marvel at it, and since I learn best by rote, he helps me be a better person just by being in proximity. He glows with something golden, something Leonine. Warm & buttery, sun-drenched, wild & fierce. Doing little, he tosses the butterflies in my stomach into the air to create a stunning mosaic of fluttering emotions. He arouses a low growl of passion in me that he refuses to sate. He fills something in me I can't quite put my finger on, makes me crave ever so much more... that I don't think he can(?) will(?) give. But what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?
One man: intelligent, witty, very attractive, apparently enjoys my company. Hauling some emotional and historical baggage that he uses to buffer himself from people like clutching in front of him a huge overstuffed punching bag while the world takes pot shots at him. I adore his blunt honesty, his willingness to toss all the garbage into the fray & stand there saying "all that? yeah, that's mine." Waiting for the people around him to scoff, scorn, shred his flimsy bravado into the winds with simple condemnation. He is in agony to be loved... to love... and yet even loving won't fill the gaping maw inside around which his mind circles and circles frantically... unceasing. Probably nothing will. He can only give just so much before his mind goes tripping off elsewhere, and over the years he's learned how to ask questions, how to be there physically to conceal from whoever he's with that he just took a spill over into the abyss & left them behind. He's tried a bizillion things to stop the gibbering, nothing works for more than moments, if that. He may spend his life trying to fill that hole and never really grasp that it can't be filled, although I suspect he's beginning to get it. It can be contained, and occasionally sated juust enough to be ignored for awhile... but not filled. What does he want from me? Intimacy. Physical release combined with conversation... perhaps even communion. A place to toss out those needs and fears, likes, hopes, wants... have them be accepted, mulled over, picked through & finally deemed "not so bad". A place where a physical union confirms in the most primal way possible "you're ok... really... I like you still." I get that! I soooo get that. I can give that. There are many things he probably can't give.. and it's premature to think this... but what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?
One man: Well... this spot's still open, but it would be that someone who could & would be by my side, sharing my friends, my days, my daughter, my life. Someone who holds my hand & kisses me chastely, sweetly on the forehead to express his affection. Someone who will wrap their arms around me & let me rest my head on their shoulder not only in the privacy of our home, but at a parade. In line at the movies. At my parents' house. At his. Not "the one", but someone intelligent, witty, attractive, who adores me. (see a trend here? lol) Someone for whom I fill a need too. Someone to DO things with -- restaurants offer "two for one" deals that suck when you're just one. Movies are better shared, even if you share them in silence. Books are nicer read with someone by your side. Days are nicer when you have someone to talk to at the end of them. Troubles are nicer when you have someone you can count on to lend a hand.. or an ear... or a shoulder. The yard gets mowed quicker, the house cleaner, meals are more friendly when you do it with someone. My need for time alone - and a lot of it - is demanding. An actual physical need. But there are a lot of hours in a year... and once a need is sated, there's gotta be something else there, too. Maybe this guy wouldn't be around to sate lust, maybe he wouldn't touch that inner glow I can't quite define... maybe he wouldn't even be all that bright.
One: Ha! One? ONE? I quit. My Dad always did tell me I did everything bass-ackwards, and you know what? I seem to recall that bass-ackwards WORKS for me. The world may have just tossed two of the triad I just described smack in my lap (again), and I think this time I'm going to pay some damn attention. At least I'm going to try! Maybe one or both of these two guys would even expand some naturally if I let them, & I wouldn't need the third. Maybe "the one" would even happen along if I stopped looking. But you know what? For now, I've got lessons to learn from both of these people... love to give them, time to make for them, and there's healing to go 'round for all of us.
What do you think? Does it stand a chance in hell of actually working?
Friday, June 03, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
05/31/05 - Tuesday
"But what is a tease? A cruel misdirection? Or simply a lure?"
" flirt...tease... semantics! Although now that I think about it, I could split the hair thus: A flirt is a false lure with a future promise peeking from behind it... a tease is a false lure with a dead end in its wake."
So which are you?
"
So which are you?
Friday, May 27, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 4:50 PM
> > Short emails warrant short replies. That's important> when> > I'm short on time, regardless of the fact that you're> short> > on patience. :)
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
05/24/05 - Tuesday
OMG, but some days just SUCK! What a freakin' crappy-ass day. (Except lunch. Lunch was lovely.) It's been a curl up in the fetal position & just cry sort of day. And it's not even DONE yet! The cat took one look at me when I got home & ran.
Some people should be shot, others strung up by their big toes, a few tasks that I really think would be better served by some TNT..... I'd blame it on the full moon, but I'm rather fond of the moon.
Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who had a remarkably similar sort of day, & after some mutual commiseration, we decided that it would do us no good whatsoever to continue to whine & moan about our own lousy stinkin' crappy day because after one good bitch, that's just self-centered. Therefore, we agreed that sometime this evening, we would each go scream, rant, cry at the moon, fetal-up and quiver... whatever we felt like... but instead of bemoaning our own fate as we whimpered, we'd each think solely of the other, put ourselves in the other's shoes & try to appreciate how truly crappy THEY felt today, and vent as needed on the other person's behalf. An attempt at intrinsic empathy.
Gimme just a few more minutes & I'll give it a go.....
Some people should be shot, others strung up by their big toes, a few tasks that I really think would be better served by some TNT..... I'd blame it on the full moon, but I'm rather fond of the moon.
Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who had a remarkably similar sort of day, & after some mutual commiseration, we decided that it would do us no good whatsoever to continue to whine & moan about our own lousy stinkin' crappy day because after one good bitch, that's just self-centered. Therefore, we agreed that sometime this evening, we would each go scream, rant, cry at the moon, fetal-up and quiver... whatever we felt like... but instead of bemoaning our own fate as we whimpered, we'd each think solely of the other, put ourselves in the other's shoes & try to appreciate how truly crappy THEY felt today, and vent as needed on the other person's behalf. An attempt at intrinsic empathy.
Gimme just a few more minutes & I'll give it a go.....
Friday, May 20, 2005
05/20/05 - Friday
You walk in my door like you belong here. As though you've done it a thousand times. And yet your eyes are on me as though a thousand more won't ease the wonderful novelty of belonging here.. and now. A smile dances around the corners of your lips. A laugh sparkles playfully in eyes that are impossibly, drowningly blue. You don't pause when you come in... and look at me... the way they've staged it in a thousand movies. You come straight in and sit next to me, claiming ownership once again of one corner of my couch. You tell me about your day - like you've done it that thousand times and more. The familiarity... the normalcy... the simplicity of it takes my breath away.
Your lips are always each time I see you softer even than I remember. When you're speaking, your tounge is so impossibly pink teasing me as it flits and peeks and teases from between those two full-to-bursting lips, also a pink that belies description. Were you a woman, I'd compare rose buds... or the moist pink nose of a cat. You're not, and so I am lost in my metaphors. But they tease me, they tempt me, and I desire.
Sometimes, while we're talking, you suddenly sort of dive in and just "steal" a kiss... except it's not stolen, because to "steal" it would mean it was not there for your taking. That my lips were not in some recent collection of moments willing yours to mine. And sometimes when our lips meet, it becomes just you & I adrift somewhere... selves dancing in some lovely medium where nothing else matters except the dance and play of us, one against and with the other. I adore all the ways that you kiss me.
I could ... possibly... fall in love with someone who kisses me like that. Not just like that, but all the ways that you kiss me. You give me kisses that can make me consider the possibilities in hellos and goodbyes that come every morning and every evening. The kind that have happened so many thousands of times that neither of us think of them any longer as anything but one of the bits of a long-established daily routine. The kind that come complete with "hi honey, I'm home", and washing dishes, compromises, mowing the lawn, and life-changing events, and mundanity, and sometimes fighting, but always making up.
Can you make me feel that way in more than scattered fragments of time? Can you carry it through a thousand times? Through days that are bad as well as good? Special days as well as those that are heavy with a sense of 'same ol' cracker? A thousand times & more? More often than just when you "feel like it"? Can you do that? Can you be that?
Do you want to?
Your lips are always each time I see you softer even than I remember. When you're speaking, your tounge is so impossibly pink teasing me as it flits and peeks and teases from between those two full-to-bursting lips, also a pink that belies description. Were you a woman, I'd compare rose buds... or the moist pink nose of a cat. You're not, and so I am lost in my metaphors. But they tease me, they tempt me, and I desire.
Sometimes, while we're talking, you suddenly sort of dive in and just "steal" a kiss... except it's not stolen, because to "steal" it would mean it was not there for your taking. That my lips were not in some recent collection of moments willing yours to mine. And sometimes when our lips meet, it becomes just you & I adrift somewhere... selves dancing in some lovely medium where nothing else matters except the dance and play of us, one against and with the other. I adore all the ways that you kiss me.
I could ... possibly... fall in love with someone who kisses me like that. Not just like that, but all the ways that you kiss me. You give me kisses that can make me consider the possibilities in hellos and goodbyes that come every morning and every evening. The kind that have happened so many thousands of times that neither of us think of them any longer as anything but one of the bits of a long-established daily routine. The kind that come complete with "hi honey, I'm home", and washing dishes, compromises, mowing the lawn, and life-changing events, and mundanity, and sometimes fighting, but always making up.
Can you make me feel that way in more than scattered fragments of time? Can you carry it through a thousand times? Through days that are bad as well as good? Special days as well as those that are heavy with a sense of 'same ol' cracker? A thousand times & more? More often than just when you "feel like it"? Can you do that? Can you be that?
Do you want to?
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Art to Passion
This month, Zero Boss's Blogging For Books asks us to write an original blog post about one of three topics: lying, fornicating, or going home.
I missed the entry date 'cause I'm a schmuck... but I like the topic(s), so I'll put this out here anyway. (So there!) It's my blog, I can type if I want to.
**********
There is an art to passion.
--In letting it simmer and steep like tea leaves.
--Stirring every so often so the leaves don't stick to the pot and
turn the brew bitter.
You might begin with a look, a glimmer in the eye caught and returned. Then the faintest of touches in passing, sending shimmers of electricity along her skin. Shared laughter lilting in the breeze might nest in your soul and draw you closer. And anticipation, the best seasoning for so fine a brew. Just the faintest sense of unknowing…..yet knowing….where this will lead you.
Faint trace of fingernails on skin, ruffling the tiny hairs along your arms. Aimlessly wandering your body, no goal, no intention to their direction. At once soothing and stimulating.
You relax, muscle by muscle. The days', the weeks' tension flows out of you as the slow, constant whisper of skin on skin goes on. From that loosening of tension slowly rises a languid sense of passion. The clock slips away until finally the night is yours. It stretches endlessly before you -- your playground. You are no longer focused towards a goal, but utterly content to bathe in sensations as one flows into another: Timeless rhythms as seductive as the heartbeat of the earth.
Fingernails and fingertips: faint tracings brushing across sensitized skin. Small forgotten corners of your body weep as they are found and rejoined through touch. The tiniest crevasse in the crook of your arm joins its broader bicep cousin, flowing into the back of your arm where shoulder meets armpit and curves into side and then chest. Broad swathes take nails down your back where sides meet back, then back up along your spine. Brush softly that sweet hollow in your lower back, covered in tiny sensitive hairs to touch softly as a breath of air. Light furrows raked across pale buttocks of flesh, framing them in pale pink lines. The lightest flicker of touch along the line where buttocks meet--so vulnerable, so sensitive to a wing-like flutter. Teasing with an almost-there caress, they flinch and contract and beg for more.
Down your thigh, strong muscles outlined in moonlight and nail polish, defined in burnished passion's heat. Back of the knee, feather light, then over calves' curve to the ankle. Nails change to fingertips to hand cupping your heels, across the tender sole of foot and toes, each individualized, separated, recognized. Finger drawn between each tiny foot's finger, skin rarely recognized leaping to obey. And back up that foot, delicate bones traced quickly by soft strong hands. Ankle, calves brushed lightly along the sides as hands slide up your leg, over knee and meander across thighs taut with a different tension. Forever they climb, slowly, oh so slowly back and forth across your thigh. The sensation spreads & tingles from legs to toes to buttocks to groin, electric pulses oh so slightly slower than the touch of nails to skin.
Tension mounts, and that soft plateau where thigh meets hip meets belly pulses. Touch explodes into a fiercer rhythm, heart pulsing to its beat. I can feel its rhythm through that delicate skin.
Upwards towards its source. Tiny goose pimples of flesh greet me as I brush your belly. Soft gasps of inhaled breath fill the silent dark with sound as I tease the softest trail of hair in treasure's triangle. But those teasing, grazing hands move onwards up away from that throbbing bent of passion. Your whole body begs to be touched. Up, up, outlining ribs and feeling each quick shallow indrawn breath.
Circling round and round tiny nipples hard as pebbles on a rocky beach. They leave. They pause the space of an exhaled breath, and on that breath's last wings, they touch. Tiny ripples of fire straight from nipple tips to groin to toes, body connected in electric sting.
Mouth descends to join the dance, hot moist breath felt oh, so softly in the crook of your neck. In the silence, the parting of lips is felt as clearly as the closing of teeth lightly on your earlobe. The tiniest of moans is as audible as your heartbeat, our breath, in the stillness of this night.
My lips trace the path my fingers have flown as we move together effortlessly, touch and sensation merging in this passion's dance. Along the outlines of shoulder blades and spine, the faintest touch of tongue makes you arch your back in involuntary response. Soft lips tease your contours, pale cheeks of flesh quiver and tense as they are gently probed. And again, contours fully outlined, the crease of buttock and thigh so often forgotten is paid homage by the lightest flicker of tongue.
Soft skin trailed to the back of the knee, hot warm mouth open and sucking widely on that skin while tongue rolls across it. Down taut calves and to the foot's benediction. Each individual toe is immersed into this hot, wet mouth for a moment of blind sensation. And up, up again come lips and hands, across miles of skin begging to be caressed yet again.
I ignore passion's plateau, toying with bellybutton and taunting the tiny hairs with my chin. My hair brushes across your belly randomly, flickering onto unteased areas. Up your chest to where I began, where neck meets chest meets shoulders, earlobe getting the lightest of nips. Across your shoulders, down outstretched arms, your mind's eye follows my mouth in the dark.
Teeth graze your palm followed by tongue, then each finger is drawn deep into that mouth, surrounded by heat and tongue, teeth grazing callused tips in rough sensation. Sucking, pulling, each part of your body drawn into and through those fingers as they writhe helplessly in passion's grasp.
Back up your arms, to chest, lips toy aimlessly across it's breadth then graze nipples, tiny pebbled nipples straining t be kissed. They are immersed. Tongue toys with them as I suckle on that begging flesh. Your fingers twine in my hair as your whole body throbs in response.
And as I suckle there, teasing and tweaking nipple's peaks, my fingers inch downward, nails leaving a trail of crescent moons until they reach that soft plateau of hip and belly. They twirl there softly and I release your nipple with my mouth, only to take it up again, lightly rolling it between thumb and finger.
Mouth descends on mouth and tongues duel for love or lust. Hot wet maelstrom of kisses, mouth locked on mouth sucking and demanding surcease. Fingers curve and nails dig into that soft spot on thigh-belly. Digging deeply into that pleasure nerve, nipple explodes and mouth explodes and cock explodes into passion's grasp. I take your cries into my mouth and my body presses against yours--anchor in sensation's storm. And as that storm subsides, the still warm press of flesh on flesh melts oh, so slowly into exhausted passion's aftermath, curled in my embrace and ravished in our storm.
I missed the entry date 'cause I'm a schmuck... but I like the topic(s), so I'll put this out here anyway. (So there!) It's my blog, I can type if I want to.
**********
There is an art to passion.
--In letting it simmer and steep like tea leaves.
--Stirring every so often so the leaves don't stick to the pot and
turn the brew bitter.
You might begin with a look, a glimmer in the eye caught and returned. Then the faintest of touches in passing, sending shimmers of electricity along her skin. Shared laughter lilting in the breeze might nest in your soul and draw you closer. And anticipation, the best seasoning for so fine a brew. Just the faintest sense of unknowing…..yet knowing….where this will lead you.
Faint trace of fingernails on skin, ruffling the tiny hairs along your arms. Aimlessly wandering your body, no goal, no intention to their direction. At once soothing and stimulating.
You relax, muscle by muscle. The days', the weeks' tension flows out of you as the slow, constant whisper of skin on skin goes on. From that loosening of tension slowly rises a languid sense of passion. The clock slips away until finally the night is yours. It stretches endlessly before you -- your playground. You are no longer focused towards a goal, but utterly content to bathe in sensations as one flows into another: Timeless rhythms as seductive as the heartbeat of the earth.
Fingernails and fingertips: faint tracings brushing across sensitized skin. Small forgotten corners of your body weep as they are found and rejoined through touch. The tiniest crevasse in the crook of your arm joins its broader bicep cousin, flowing into the back of your arm where shoulder meets armpit and curves into side and then chest. Broad swathes take nails down your back where sides meet back, then back up along your spine. Brush softly that sweet hollow in your lower back, covered in tiny sensitive hairs to touch softly as a breath of air. Light furrows raked across pale buttocks of flesh, framing them in pale pink lines. The lightest flicker of touch along the line where buttocks meet--so vulnerable, so sensitive to a wing-like flutter. Teasing with an almost-there caress, they flinch and contract and beg for more.
Down your thigh, strong muscles outlined in moonlight and nail polish, defined in burnished passion's heat. Back of the knee, feather light, then over calves' curve to the ankle. Nails change to fingertips to hand cupping your heels, across the tender sole of foot and toes, each individualized, separated, recognized. Finger drawn between each tiny foot's finger, skin rarely recognized leaping to obey. And back up that foot, delicate bones traced quickly by soft strong hands. Ankle, calves brushed lightly along the sides as hands slide up your leg, over knee and meander across thighs taut with a different tension. Forever they climb, slowly, oh so slowly back and forth across your thigh. The sensation spreads & tingles from legs to toes to buttocks to groin, electric pulses oh so slightly slower than the touch of nails to skin.
Tension mounts, and that soft plateau where thigh meets hip meets belly pulses. Touch explodes into a fiercer rhythm, heart pulsing to its beat. I can feel its rhythm through that delicate skin.
Upwards towards its source. Tiny goose pimples of flesh greet me as I brush your belly. Soft gasps of inhaled breath fill the silent dark with sound as I tease the softest trail of hair in treasure's triangle. But those teasing, grazing hands move onwards up away from that throbbing bent of passion. Your whole body begs to be touched. Up, up, outlining ribs and feeling each quick shallow indrawn breath.
Circling round and round tiny nipples hard as pebbles on a rocky beach. They leave. They pause the space of an exhaled breath, and on that breath's last wings, they touch. Tiny ripples of fire straight from nipple tips to groin to toes, body connected in electric sting.
Mouth descends to join the dance, hot moist breath felt oh, so softly in the crook of your neck. In the silence, the parting of lips is felt as clearly as the closing of teeth lightly on your earlobe. The tiniest of moans is as audible as your heartbeat, our breath, in the stillness of this night.
My lips trace the path my fingers have flown as we move together effortlessly, touch and sensation merging in this passion's dance. Along the outlines of shoulder blades and spine, the faintest touch of tongue makes you arch your back in involuntary response. Soft lips tease your contours, pale cheeks of flesh quiver and tense as they are gently probed. And again, contours fully outlined, the crease of buttock and thigh so often forgotten is paid homage by the lightest flicker of tongue.
Soft skin trailed to the back of the knee, hot warm mouth open and sucking widely on that skin while tongue rolls across it. Down taut calves and to the foot's benediction. Each individual toe is immersed into this hot, wet mouth for a moment of blind sensation. And up, up again come lips and hands, across miles of skin begging to be caressed yet again.
I ignore passion's plateau, toying with bellybutton and taunting the tiny hairs with my chin. My hair brushes across your belly randomly, flickering onto unteased areas. Up your chest to where I began, where neck meets chest meets shoulders, earlobe getting the lightest of nips. Across your shoulders, down outstretched arms, your mind's eye follows my mouth in the dark.
Teeth graze your palm followed by tongue, then each finger is drawn deep into that mouth, surrounded by heat and tongue, teeth grazing callused tips in rough sensation. Sucking, pulling, each part of your body drawn into and through those fingers as they writhe helplessly in passion's grasp.
Back up your arms, to chest, lips toy aimlessly across it's breadth then graze nipples, tiny pebbled nipples straining t be kissed. They are immersed. Tongue toys with them as I suckle on that begging flesh. Your fingers twine in my hair as your whole body throbs in response.
And as I suckle there, teasing and tweaking nipple's peaks, my fingers inch downward, nails leaving a trail of crescent moons until they reach that soft plateau of hip and belly. They twirl there softly and I release your nipple with my mouth, only to take it up again, lightly rolling it between thumb and finger.
Mouth descends on mouth and tongues duel for love or lust. Hot wet maelstrom of kisses, mouth locked on mouth sucking and demanding surcease. Fingers curve and nails dig into that soft spot on thigh-belly. Digging deeply into that pleasure nerve, nipple explodes and mouth explodes and cock explodes into passion's grasp. I take your cries into my mouth and my body presses against yours--anchor in sensation's storm. And as that storm subsides, the still warm press of flesh on flesh melts oh, so slowly into exhausted passion's aftermath, curled in my embrace and ravished in our storm.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
05/03/05 - Tuesday
My daughter is such a sweet little pain in the ass. And a bit of a hypocondriac to boot. But I have to say.. I was SO proud of her yesterday! Bad mommy lost track of the calendar & didn't realize until 3am Monday morning that 9am was rolling around quickly, and on it's heels was coming.. the Kindergarten physical. We'd been talking about "going to the Dr", next week to be followed by "going to the dentist", both of which are normally a grand event in her little life. She gets SO excited, the buildup between making the appt & actually going almost drives her insane. But... well... you parents out there know what sort of nasty surprize comes with the K physical, don't you? Yeah. Shots. Several of 'em. And I forgot about this appt, so no opportunity to mentally prepare her for potential nastiness. Maybe that was just as well?
First the TB test, which elicited just a bit of a whimper & right at the veeerrry end an "oouuuch, that hurts!" (in a tiny, high, slightly panic-edged voice). I have to say, knowing B, I expected great wails right off the top & was pretty impressed w/ this bit of fortitude.
Then our great peds office team tag-teamed her for the nasty bits -- they had me hold her in a big cross-armed hug to keep her from grabbing anything bad, & nailed her one on each side at the same time so fast she didn't know what was coming. Then the last one she did... but what can you do? Even then, the volume of outraged distress was so much less than I'd anticipated I wasn't certain I was even holding MY daughter. Didn't even begin to rival the circus of attention-demanding wails we get when she does something simple.. like scrape a knee. I guess that's the sign (for now anyway) that it's serious. Lots of noise: not hurt. Near silent whimpers: call an ambulance.
It doesn't hurt that they then immediately bribed the bejeezus out of her. Trotting off to the "loot" room, she came back with a toy, a sticker, and not one, but THREE suckers (one for each shot) clutched in her greedy little hands and not a tear in sight.
Then they gave us a script to go to the lab for a CBC & lead test (we live in an "old" house), & said "you don't have to go today". Are you NUTS? I'm not about to let this momentum pass! Not after you've managed to stick FOUR needles in her body, get off with about 2 min of restrained tears & then bribed her to the moon! I'm riding on your success, buddy. So I bribed her with her choice of whatever she wanted (ice cream) to go get this last one done NOW, knowing the sugar high would only bollux the evening, not the life..
How'd that work out? She was utterly disgusted at the meager offerings of the lab. After all, THEY only gave her a little coloring book & a couple of crayons. Pffft. What kind of bribe is THAT?!! lololol
But finally, my great kid then told me why she had three suckers instead of just one: "But mom, I have to SHARE!" And she did. The waitress at lunch was the surprized but appreciative recipient of one pristine watermelon sucker, & gave B one of the best bits of loot of the day: A great big hug with a smile & a thank you. B beamed happy for a couple of hours after that one. I love my kid.
First the TB test, which elicited just a bit of a whimper & right at the veeerrry end an "oouuuch, that hurts!" (in a tiny, high, slightly panic-edged voice). I have to say, knowing B, I expected great wails right off the top & was pretty impressed w/ this bit of fortitude.
Then our great peds office team tag-teamed her for the nasty bits -- they had me hold her in a big cross-armed hug to keep her from grabbing anything bad, & nailed her one on each side at the same time so fast she didn't know what was coming. Then the last one she did... but what can you do? Even then, the volume of outraged distress was so much less than I'd anticipated I wasn't certain I was even holding MY daughter. Didn't even begin to rival the circus of attention-demanding wails we get when she does something simple.. like scrape a knee. I guess that's the sign (for now anyway) that it's serious. Lots of noise: not hurt. Near silent whimpers: call an ambulance.
It doesn't hurt that they then immediately bribed the bejeezus out of her. Trotting off to the "loot" room, she came back with a toy, a sticker, and not one, but THREE suckers (one for each shot) clutched in her greedy little hands and not a tear in sight.
Then they gave us a script to go to the lab for a CBC & lead test (we live in an "old" house), & said "you don't have to go today". Are you NUTS? I'm not about to let this momentum pass! Not after you've managed to stick FOUR needles in her body, get off with about 2 min of restrained tears & then bribed her to the moon! I'm riding on your success, buddy. So I bribed her with her choice of whatever she wanted (ice cream) to go get this last one done NOW, knowing the sugar high would only bollux the evening, not the life..
How'd that work out?
But finally, my great kid then told me why she had three suckers instead of just one: "But mom, I have to SHARE!" And she did. The waitress at lunch was the surprized but appreciative recipient of one pristine watermelon sucker, & gave B one of the best bits of loot of the day: A great big hug with a smile & a thank you. B beamed happy for a couple of hours after that one. I love my kid.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
04/27/05 - How Normal am I?
How Normal Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/
04/27/05 - Wednesday
Ketchup, ketchup... everybody needs a little ketchup now & then! Eh? That was "catch up", you say? Oh, sorry... my bad. ;-) Darn it.. here I thought we were going on a picnic or something. No, instead you just wanna know what the heck has been going on.
Life has been - busy! (Imagine that.) Spring tends to do that to a person. I always seem to get a burst of energy.. new life.. enthusiasm in the spring that sends me bounding out to the world (AWAY from the computer) to discover new nooks & crannies, fun things to do, bring new people into my life, and catch up with the old ones. Whether or not they're feeling the same sort of tiggerific "bounce", it seems to work both ways. Folks I hadn't talked to in ages seem to crawl out of the woodwork with smiles on their faces & affection to spare. There's the illusion that there is time to do EVERYTHING (except vaccum). I, however, know it won't last, under the "feast or famine" principle that always (yes, always) overtakes me. Once I get to enjoying the feast, famine will inevitably follow on its heels. And vice versa, of course.Ah well.. live for the moment! I will try to retro date a post or two to "catch up" sometime soon. Maybe even the ones I lost earlier. Maybe.
The one thing that I can virtually count on is that now that Spring has shown her face - even though she's shiving under the covers with me this week - the grass and the bushes in my yard will require frequent trimmings that I will have to struggle mightily to squeeze in between other far more enticing activities. Should my cup runneth over with enticing invitations, then small jungle creatures will begin to spontaneously morph into being in my yard, baring tiny teeth and lusting mightily after any ankles daring enough to brave the green overgrowth. Ok.. not really - I like my neighbors too much to let it get too out of hand. But darn it, it almost makes me wish I rented instead of owned. Almost.
Hey... anybody wanna mow my yard for me? We could maybe work it out in trade.... ;-) (lol)
Life has been - busy! (Imagine that.) Spring tends to do that to a person. I always seem to get a burst of energy.. new life.. enthusiasm in the spring that sends me bounding out to the world (AWAY from the computer) to discover new nooks & crannies, fun things to do, bring new people into my life, and catch up with the old ones. Whether or not they're feeling the same sort of tiggerific "bounce", it seems to work both ways. Folks I hadn't talked to in ages seem to crawl out of the woodwork with smiles on their faces & affection to spare. There's the illusion that there is time to do EVERYTHING (except vaccum). I, however, know it won't last, under the "feast or famine" principle that always (yes, always) overtakes me. Once I get to enjoying the feast, famine will inevitably follow on its heels. And vice versa, of course.
The one thing that I can virtually count on is that now that Spring has shown her face - even though she's shiving under the covers with me this week - the grass and the bushes in my yard will require frequent trimmings that I will have to struggle mightily to squeeze in between other far more enticing activities. Should my cup runneth over with enticing invitations, then small jungle creatures will begin to spontaneously morph into being in my yard, baring tiny teeth and lusting mightily after any ankles daring enough to brave the green overgrowth. Ok.. not really - I like my neighbors too much to let it get too out of hand. But darn it, it almost makes me wish I rented instead of owned. Almost.
Hey... anybody wanna mow my yard for me? We could maybe work it out in trade.... ;-) (lol)
Sunday, April 24, 2005
04/23/05 -- Saturday
Three hours of traipsing in the woods Saturday gained us these YUMMY spoils for our labour! Breakfast, anyone?
Friday, April 22, 2005
04/21/05 - Thursday
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein
Friday, April 15, 2005
Friday, April 08, 2005
04/08/05 - Friday
Wow... so much going on this weekend that I don't even have time to write about it all. In fact, no time to write much of anything at all as I look at the clock & see how late it is. Many irons in many fires! (Some a those fires aren't hot enough to suit me yet... but we'll just see what we can do about that ;-) I got a little spring in my step today, & I'm in the mood for some excitement! A little flair! A little 'pi-ZSHA'! A little chutzpah! Somebody surprize me, willya? Knock me offa my feet! Outta the ballpark! Outta my socks! Into.. well.. hey! how's about somebody make me a memory? One that'll make me smile in odd moments and strange places. Pretty please?
~~~Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once ;-)~~ Anon
~~~Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once ;-)~~ Anon
04/08/05 - Friday
Dear E-blogger,
While I realize my last note to you wasn't 100% positive, I did compliment you on finally getting comment notifications to come to me like they're supposed to. It's not very nice of you to re-break that function and STILL not fix the justification on my sidebar. If you're mad at me, I really wish you'd just come talk to me about it.
Love,
Me.
While I realize my last note to you wasn't 100% positive, I did compliment you on finally getting comment notifications to come to me like they're supposed to. It's not very nice of you to re-break that function and STILL not fix the justification on my sidebar. If you're mad at me, I really wish you'd just come talk to me about it.
Love,
Me.
Monday, April 04, 2005
04/04/05 - Monday
Dear Blogger.com --
Thank you VERY much for finally fixing your site so that I now get notification when someone posts a comment! Well.. at least when some comments are posted... but I'll take some over none any day!
Now could you please make my sidebar justify to the top of the page rather than the bottom? I know it's something on your end, b/c I haven't changed anything in the template for days.
Sincerely,
Me
Thank you VERY much for finally fixing your site so that I now get notification when someone posts a comment! Well.. at least when some comments are posted... but I'll take some over none any day!
Now could you please make my sidebar justify to the top of the page rather than the bottom? I know it's something on your end, b/c I haven't changed anything in the template for days.
Sincerely,
Me
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