Tuesday, June 07, 2005

06/07/05 - Tuesday

Holding out. That's pretty much what I've been doing for YEARS now. Yeah, years. Doesn't that suck? Holding out for something the great big bad world defines as "perfect". For a relationship with a single human being that fills all those emotional, physical, and practical needs that clamour in cacaphony inside, begging for surcease - for a similar soul with whom to gibber in empathy in the long dark tea time of the soul. I haven't always thought along with the masses - there was a time when I was very flexible in considering options that Fate tossed my way! Then somewhere along the line I thought I'd give conservative a try, and got stubborn, started slamming doors on possibilities when they didn't meet the almighty criteria of the socially innane. Think Dharma v. Kitty ;-)

So where has that gotten me? Well... single, mostly. And why? Primarily because in getting sucked into those confines, I was unable to let go of the elite criteria. God forbid that I do things half way... if I'm gonna have to find "the one", then dammit, he's gonna be the ONE!

The little voice in my head gibbers away to itself.

I stopped to listen to it the other day... it's been a long time since I did that, too. That little voice has gotten more conservative as time has passed, but it still had some thoughts of its own that maybe I really ought to listen to. Perhaps it's happened before & I didn't notice it, but I seem to have a lovely confluence of people in my life right now. No "one", but perhaps... just perhaps... more than one that in combination does exactly what I was looking for in one.

One man: intelligent, witty, stunningly attractive, enjoys my company.... at least when I relax & let him enjoy it in his own way! A lover of life & all that's in it, including most of the people. Positively oriented to a degree that sets an undemanding example for everyone around him -- I notice that. I marvel at it, and since I learn best by rote, he helps me be a better person just by being in proximity. He glows with something golden, something Leonine. Warm & buttery, sun-drenched, wild & fierce. Doing little, he tosses the butterflies in my stomach into the air to create a stunning mosaic of fluttering emotions. He arouses a low growl of passion in me that he refuses to sate. He fills something in me I can't quite put my finger on, makes me crave ever so much more... that I don't think he can(?) will(?) give. But what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: intelligent, witty, very attractive, apparently enjoys my company. Hauling some emotional and historical baggage that he uses to buffer himself from people like clutching in front of him a huge overstuffed punching bag while the world takes pot shots at him. I adore his blunt honesty, his willingness to toss all the garbage into the fray & stand there saying "all that? yeah, that's mine." Waiting for the people around him to scoff, scorn, shred his flimsy bravado into the winds with simple condemnation. He is in agony to be loved... to love... and yet even loving won't fill the gaping maw inside around which his mind circles and circles frantically... unceasing. Probably nothing will. He can only give just so much before his mind goes tripping off elsewhere, and over the years he's learned how to ask questions, how to be there physically to conceal from whoever he's with that he just took a spill over into the abyss & left them behind. He's tried a bizillion things to stop the gibbering, nothing works for more than moments, if that. He may spend his life trying to fill that hole and never really grasp that it can't be filled, although I suspect he's beginning to get it. It can be contained, and occasionally sated juust enough to be ignored for awhile... but not filled. What does he want from me? Intimacy. Physical release combined with conversation... perhaps even communion. A place to toss out those needs and fears, likes, hopes, wants... have them be accepted, mulled over, picked through & finally deemed "not so bad". A place where a physical union confirms in the most primal way possible "you're ok... really... I like you still." I get that! I soooo get that. I can give that. There are many things he probably can't give.. and it's premature to think this... but what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: Well... this spot's still open, but it would be that someone who could & would be by my side, sharing my friends, my days, my daughter, my life. Someone who holds my hand & kisses me chastely, sweetly on the forehead to express his affection. Someone who will wrap their arms around me & let me rest my head on their shoulder not only in the privacy of our home, but at a parade. In line at the movies. At my parents' house. At his. Not "the one", but someone intelligent, witty, attractive, who adores me. (see a trend here? lol) Someone for whom I fill a need too. Someone to DO things with -- restaurants offer "two for one" deals that suck when you're just one. Movies are better shared, even if you share them in silence. Books are nicer read with someone by your side. Days are nicer when you have someone to talk to at the end of them. Troubles are nicer when you have someone you can count on to lend a hand.. or an ear... or a shoulder. The yard gets mowed quicker, the house cleaner, meals are more friendly when you do it with someone. My need for time alone - and a lot of it - is demanding. An actual physical need. But there are a lot of hours in a year... and once a need is sated, there's gotta be something else there, too. Maybe this guy wouldn't be around to sate lust, maybe he wouldn't touch that inner glow I can't quite define... maybe he wouldn't even be all that bright. But sometimes just BEING there is worth forgiving a world of sins. So what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One: Ha! One? ONE? I quit. My Dad always did tell me I did everything bass-ackwards, and you know what? I seem to recall that bass-ackwards WORKS for me. The world may have just tossed two of the triad I just described smack in my lap (again), and I think this time I'm going to pay some damn attention. At least I'm going to try! Maybe one or both of these two guys would even expand some naturally if I let them, & I wouldn't need the third. Maybe "the one" would even happen along if I stopped looking. But you know what? For now, I've got lessons to learn from both of these people... love to give them, time to make for them, and there's healing to go 'round for all of us.

What do you think? Does it stand a chance in hell of actually working?


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