Questions Hard to Answer

"How are you feeling?", he asks

How am I?
I'm standing.. teetering…
On the edge of a very lovely precipice
Over which to fall would not be a bad thing
Would be stunning
Lovely
Kaleidescopic sensations course through me
Bouncing
Rebounding
Telescoping
The part of me that thinks .. that controls… that maintains sanity
Shuts down,
Or at least runs gibbering into a tiny silent corner and cowers
I'm left with sensations… emotions (because they're tied one to another)
And no real 'one' left inside me to hold them down
Just a placekeeper, really… a sort of dummy pilot
Whose only real purpose is to maintain some basic functions
I can do nothing here but cling desperately
To the ragged edges of sanity that are blowing in the winds of this maelstrom
Forming words is difficult. Thoughts nearly impossible.
You are my only anchor
This physical contact with you
Where skin touches skin
Where the warmth of your body leaks into mine
Warming… Healing…
Providing a glowing link.. a psychic umbilical cord
To that which remains constant
You replace the very ground as my point of contact
My hold on this Earth… this self
You become that which is stable
Safe
Trustworthy

I have in me a pilot who loves to fly these sorts of coursing storms
She screams and begs and writhes
Sobs wrenchingly
To be let out
When she flies
She laughs in the face of danger! teeth bared she looks excitement in the eye
And laughs a wild free laugh
infectious
Lives for the moment… to the Devil with what may come tomorrow
Inside, I gag her, quiet her, soothe her
drop promises on her like lollipops
That I know I may not be able to keep
Of another tomorrow
Anything to keep her quiet … enough
Sane… enough
Lulled… enough
That she doesn't wrench control from me and run with the wind
Which would be desperately lovely, and wild, and free

The vista is .. panoramic
Oh, so inviting
Tempting
Tantalizing
No!
Why?
Because you must come with me
If you don't also let go the earth and fly
We will drop like stones to the rocks below
We will separate in the winds
Lose one another in the mists of time
Screaming
Crying
Calling
Yearning
Devastating betrayals of soul and self… and other
Where you touch me now
Where our hands clasp
Where skin touches skin
Is at this moment my only anchor to both self and other
While you anchor yourself to earth still
If we're going to fly
You must come with me
Let go the earth
Course the winds
I can look at you
Entice you
I want to show you all this stunning beauty I see
I sense
Just over this precipice
I know it's there on nothing but faith
No concrete evidence
No promises
No guarantees
I can beg you with every molecule of self
Every bit of me…
Every bit but my voice
To hear… look… feel
Let go the earth
I won't push you, laughing… although she might
(Hence the lollipops)
Come with me willingly
Oh, please… come fly

~~06/17/05