08/09/05 - Tuesday.. A Little Bit of Liquid Bliss

A pond, a pond, I have a pond! More important, I have a waterfall. Oh, the sheer music of it when I open my back door. Makes me want to change bedrooms with B so I can crack the window & listen to it all night long!!

Last week, my sis & her husband came in for a flying visit. In one day, out the next, their list of "wanna do"s for while they were here was long enough to make me exhausted just reading it, although I was game to give it a try. Luckily (for me), a good solid perusal of a clock prevailed... but (again, luckily for me), sanity did NOT. One field trip to Cahokia Mounds including my friend AmyS & her two kids in our crew was all the extracurricular activity we managed to squeeze in... but at the last minute my bold sis volunteered her know-how & her husband's brawn & told me if I'd buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. How's that for an offer, eh?

Well... actually... she told me if I could get Dad to buy a pump, they'd put in a pond. But I managed to talk her out of the Dad requirement & just let me buy it myself ;-) Them's sure some darn good ideas she comes up with, ain't they?

I've now made 5 trips to Yard Lines, 6 to Lowe's, 4 to Home Depot, 2 to Scott's, 3 to WalMart and 1 to Effinger's, and..... I have a POND! With water in it! And a WATERFALL! And lights (which are only working sporadically... my electrics wizard is on vacation or somesuchthing in Canada this week. Hmpf. The nerve! hee hee). And PLANTS, too! My sis brought with her a nice selection of several varieties of Hostas & ferns to fill out the flower bed we mangled into 1/2 it's original size, and I'm putting a sweet little retaining wall around the backside of them. (Got the paver sand last night.. now all I need is time & energy. Anybody got any time & energy they can loan me? I appear to be fresh out.) And this morning... well.. this morning I got WATER PLANTS! A REAL water lily, water lettuce, water hyacinth, water cannas, the water sweet grass K brought with her, and .. um... one other one I can't 'member the name of right now - Oh! Rain Lily (totally different from a water lily - it's green is all spiky like onion with pretty white flowers.) Geez, I hope my black thumb didn't touch 'em too long when I tossed 'em in!

I still have plenty to do -- settle the retaining wall in place, at least 2 more trips to Yard Lines for more rock, decide how to treat the edge of the pond that butts up against my patio, plant a few more greens, maybe put in another waterfall??, I need Shaun badly to get the electric settled properly (and safely), shop for a coupla fish, name the darn things, find a great little rocker and/or table/chairs for the patio (somehow, a strato-lounger, while conducive to pond-enjoyment, just doesn't seem to fit the ambiance.), then pick up some lemonade & see who I can coerce over to come & enjoy it with me. YEA! Maybe if I baked cookies?

08/08/05 -- What's it all About Alfie?

Good Lord Christ almighty you scare the crap outta me. I already told you I get nervous every time we get together -- butterflies, cold chills, sweaty palms, palpating heart... It's ridiculous. I left 4th grade behind me eons ago. One would thinksome of that would subside after awhile, wouldn't one? Well.. I may very well get better at sublimating the physical accoutrements of all this.. but the nervous reactions are really only boring their way deeper where you can't see them. The longer I know you, the more scared I get.. and at a much deeper level.

Shouldn't we call that excitement? you ask. Because "nervous" has such a negative connotation - as though something bad is going to happen. My careful answer to you was a quiet query: "Does it matter what you call it if it feels the same?" And valid, I think. But not what I thought first. My first thought, and still, is that "nervous" is something you feel, not only when you fear the worst.. but perhaps when you are certain that whatever it is you're contemplating has imminent potential to be a life-changing event. You are that. Camflouge it, hide it away, scoff, run all you like.. but you have been, are, will be something life-changing for me. I cannot escape it, and I don't know what the changes wrought will be. But I know it in my bones -- whatever becomes of us will change me forever.

You refuse to dally on an insignificant level. Slow, steady, inexorable.... you bore through insousance and frippery. If you decide to love, me, you will LOVE me. There will be no place for insincerity, no place for falsehood, no place for "I misunderstood", no loopholes, no escaping the lovely, enormous, frightening responsibilites in loving someone that way. I will have to step up to the plate and give as good as I get... I can do no less, it is not in me. It will be a commitment greater in magnitude than any I ever contemplated short of motherhood. Exceeding motherhood. FAR exceeding, as children come with a "must care for" tag while adults in theory can function on their own & therefor are easier to abandon. If you decide you do not love me, I cannot write it off casually as another Don Juan affair. I will know in that space in my soul that KNOWS that I was weighed, measured, tasted, spun round ... and found lacking. And where then in my soul in all the world in all the universes will I ever be able to believe in myself again?

And you would be so kind... I could not help but be your friend. Our lives will have entangled... I would smile, provide wry advice, laugh, hold myself in check and together. I would let nothing show in my demeanor or my actions, although my eyes might betray me, and more than one tear would grace a quickly snatched solitary corner. Yet every time I left you I would leave a slice of soul shrieking in some godforsaken wild bitter wilderness.

I am afraid of the golden wilderness.. the butterflies.. the sparkling brooks. I am terrified of the wonder that happens when we are together. The colours that light my sky within, the twinkle that lights my eyes. The warmth that steals across my skin and lights raging fires of passion in my soul. Your look... your smile... your touch... I am undone. I am insignificant, and within that insignificance, I am rebuilt. Reborn. Better, stronger, smarter, swifter, more loving.

08/08/05 -- A Rift Between Reality and Dream

The softests of sheets
Smooth pillows plumped and scented
Cool silent breeze from ceiling fan
Cicadas sing outside the window
Sleep beckons from shadowed corners
Perfect.
And yet these things do not call to me
tonight there is no allure
whether tis my imagination or my intuition
which fails me
yet there it is
Tonight
I cannot imagine that one side of that bed
is slightly warmer than the other
I cannot make myself believe
That slight indention was left as you
tumbled sleepily out for a quick drink
and that you will quietly slip back in
just as I fall asleep
Lay one hand on my hip
Squirl around til you're comfortable again
My fantasies fall flat and lifeless
as I try to rev those mental gears
bringing so close to life
as to be but a shadow-thin difference
to mistake between moments with Morpheus
a sheet twisted oddly across my hips
for your arm
my breath reflected from another pillow
for yours
the cat curled across my ankles
for your feet, twining with mine in sleep
Tonight these things do not embrace me
they do not live and breathe
just that half twist from reality
that I might wiggle my way into... if I try hard enough
No squinting of eyes, no 3/4 turn widdershins
brings me close to feeling you here
Tonight, there is no allure
to sleeping in my bed alone
No matter how cool the sheets
or plump the pillows
or soothing the fan
or mesmerizing the Cicadas
I only want you there
Where I can touch you in sleep
Kiss your shoulder to warm my lips
Perhaps your lips to warm my soul
You are not there
and there is no allure
My sweet bed, ship of dreams
Catacomb of a million fantasies
Sure source of surcease and comfort
Tonight...
Tonight, it only looms
Alone
and lonely.

07/28/05 - Love on a Thursday Noonish

Contact!
firm, sure
reassuring
Enfolds me
shields me
warms me
Drawing me close
protection
salvation
comforting
reaffirming
exciting
Embraceable you

07/22/05 - Friday

You know... anyone who scoffs at the idea of an intangible connection between yourself and someone you care about is deaf, dumb & blind to themselves. I think we get so tangled up in tangible proof... finding things that explain what you know... scathing looks, comments, a lack of something, a too much of something else. Sometimes "proof" just gets in the way of knowing things. I don't always listen to that silent voice inside, but I should. And I think I do listen more often than many. Something is wrong. No, not quite "wrong"... but Something is not-right. Not in a big, bold, "DANGER!" sort of way, but in a closed door with no door knob on my side of it sort of way. And I know that the person on the other side knows I'm on the other side of it. Something is not-right in a blocking access, close down the connection sort of way. I'm not omniscient (don't tell my daughter!), and I don't know why or how or for how long or what made it/makes it happen or what's going on or whether it's a conscious or unconscious thing or defensive or offensive or automatic or controlled or anything else about it except that it's there. It's like putting a perfectly clear glass box in a stream of water -- you can't see it, but you can feel it. If you know where to look, you can see that the water flows around it now... the currents change as a result of it being there. That same sense tells me there is no action I can take that will alter this in any way I'd like. I much prefer it when those senses point me towards something I can DO... but there it is. Not ready to leave yet... so I think I'll just hunker down & wait a bit. Close my eyes & watch what happens. Could be interesting! And, at least in theory, I've got allll the time in the world.

07/20/05 - Wednesday 1

Just a couple of days ago I got what is quite possibly one of the nicest compliments of my life. The phone rang, I picked it up, said something equivilating "Hello", ('cause I almost never just say "hello", much prefering something more unsettling like "Dammit, I TOLD you I didn't do it!"... I stand backwards on elevators & talk to strangers, too.) Since the person calling me is one of those who isn't phazed in the least by such uncouth phone manners, my not-a-hello was returned with a "are you just about the coolest person I've ever known, or what?"

Now while that's really not a bad greeting with which to begin a conversation, I laughed & was ready to blow it off as just a simple rejoinder. But during the course of our conversation, it expanded... blossomed... and has continued to do so the more I think about it. I was told.. in all seriousness.. that while on first meeting me a person may conceivably decide I'm "cool" or "ok" or even "eh" or "notsamuch". But the longer someone knows me, the neater I get. The more someone knows me, the more interesting little nooks & crannies you (apparently) find in the way I think.. the things I do (or would like to do.. or would be willing to do.. or at least hear about). The more time and effort someone spends knowing me in my entirety, the better the package becomes. The more time and effort you spend, the more it glows, beckons, becomes something you want more of and want to ensure it sticks around in YOUR life for a long, long time.

No... they weren't drunk.

Now this person is themselves what I think of as mighty interesting. Made some interesting decisions in their life, has a lot of flavor in their soul, smart, loving, funny, interesting, cool to hang with, cool to cry with, a GREAT friend - definitely one of the few in my "these are the people that I know will be there to hold me together, pick up the pieces, put me back together when my world shatters in a major way" category. Really major. Like when my parents die, or if I found out I had cancer or leukemia or if something happened to my child. That kind of major. It's one thing to be told nice things about yourself from a schmooze, but this person would also tell me what a stupid ass I was if it was truth.

No... they weren't trying to get laid.

That just kicks ass, doesn't it? Not only that, but I've known this person for ... cripes... 30 years? And not all of them were good ones, either -- we had a few rough times to add some spice to our history, too. But in 30 years you'd think you'd start getting "same ol' cracker" on someone, wouldn't you? So how much better does that make hearing this?

No... they weren't asking for money either. Geesh.
Of course, they might just be freakin' nuts.

07/20/05 -- Wednesday 2

Oh.. yeah, in case you're wondering? Yes, they'll read my earlier post. The person I referenced is one of the *(*%&$&*&*** folks who has kindly contributed to my ever so humble 1200+ counter hits but then DOESN'T LEAVE ANY FREAKIN' COMMENTS!!!!!!

Voyeurs, every one of you.

07/18/05 - Somezen to Think About

In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao, everyday something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering.
And.......
True perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty, yet it is fully present.
True strength seems crooked. True wisdom seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.

(unknown original source - thanks, Lu)

Lessons from the Cat

I've always thought you can tell a lot about a person by their pets - not just what type of animal they are, but by their personalities. My cat Cassandra has a completely different personality than other cats that have gone through my life. Here are some things Cassie is teaching me / reminding me these days:

1. If it feels good, purr.
2. Don't use people as a springboard/launch when you can get where you want to go by jumping over them instead.
3. When someone is willing to give you attention, make the most of it. Enjoy it with every ounce of your being. Visibly!
4. When someone doesn't want to give you attention, take the hint fast & find somewhere else to be.
5. Let people know when you want to be loved on.
6. But don't take offense just because someone isn't in the mood to pet you "right now".
7. Give back at least as much affection as you receive.
8. Be patient with kids. When you can't stand it anymore, run & hide.
9. Physical responses to antagonism should be an extreme last resort.
10. Stay out of people's faces.
11. Playing rough is fun sometimes, but stop when the other person says so!
12. When you do play rough/bite, don't break skin.
13. Sometimes it's kinda nice just to be in quiet proximity to the people you love.
14. If someone hurts you, tell them so.
15. Forgive quickly & easily.
16. People will take care of you if you let them.
17. Let them!
18. If it feels good, PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

The Date: The Official News Release Version

Well… I probably shouldn't tell you this, but as long as you keep it to yourself…. Can you believe that within 20 minutes of picking me up he already had me breathing heavy? It wasn't long at all before we both broke a light sweat, & I knew that tomorrow I would be feeling muscles I had forgotten were there - especially in my thighs! Up & down, in & out, he explored every nook & cranny, carrying me along with him with in our enthusiasm - sometimes taking the initiative, sometimes letting me do the exploring. Always a willing participant. After a bit, he tried to talk me into putting some particulars of my clothes back on, but I really didn't want to, b/c I wasn't DONE yet! Well, he acquiesced in good humour & with some enthusiasm we were back at it shortly. Eventually, though, we both got peckish, decided a break was in order, put some shoes on and went for some yummy food. The cool air of the restaurant & some iced drinks helped dampen the heat we had generated between us, and after an excellent meal we went back to my house with the intent of talking a bit. Well, one thing led to another, and the equipment was really a lot slower to 'boot up', so to speak, than either of us anticipated, although once it was up & running there was certainly plenty to see! He showed me lots of things it could do, and I just know there's stuff he held back. Even holding back, the things he could do with his equipment were absolutely out of this world! I'm really hoping I get another chance to experience it another time. In the end, we decided it would really be best if he didn't spend the whole night… although it was still almost 1am before we finally parted ways with some reluctance & many small intimate stops on the way to the door. Definitely an evening I'd like to repeat~!

(It's not what it sounds like... get your mind out of the gutter!)

06/17/05 - Thought Processes II

I theorize that most people pay the most attention to the main section of blob. Many may not even see the other bits at all! However, when an idea is dropped into my head, my natural instinct is to look at the streamers and the bits BEFORE looking at the blob. I have no difficulty understanding & accepting that even though there may no longer be any clear connection between bits & blob, the bits were certainly born of blob, which makes them acceptable. Not odd. Not frightening.

Not only that, but since the bits are far more unique than the blob, what I find is that they're far more interesting to examine. The streamers and the bits take on an importance and a focus out of perspective to their actual mass. There may be LOTS more blob… but I'll ignore that completely to explore the more interesting things that are going on in the outer edges of the splatter pattern.
And I'll want to explore them all! Since I still see them all as part of the original (while still comprehending their uniqueness), I can jump from bit to disconnected bit in a flash. Thought to apparently unrelated thought.

06/17/05 - Thought Processes I

Picture what happens when you drop a dollop of something semi-liquidy to the ground from a height of several feet. Go do it if you need to so you really have a good visual. Yogurt maybe. Or cottage cheese. See how the majority of the stuff stays where it impacted? Think of that dollop of stuff you dropped as the germ of an idea. Then think of that space where the majority of stuff stayed as the range of thought that, when a idea is dropped into their psyche, most people encompass, most of the time.

Now look at the rest of the mess. See how bits of the stuff also shot out in every direction? You have streamers of stuff still connected to the mass by thin strands that stretch out aways - some short, some long. You also have bits that became disconnected from the mass completely, forming tiny blobs of their own… often farther from initial impact than you would have imagined.

Imagine cleaning up the main mess - everything that's connected - and walk away. You can imagine how someone coming along later may not grasp how those outlying tiny bits (that weren't connected, therefore were not cleaned up) came to be there. There are no longer any clues - no visual connection - to explain how they came into being. It would be a mystery to them. Odd. Annoying. Maybe even frightening.

Now expand your splatter off of a flat surface & into more dimensions: gently pop a suspended water balloon or something. You will find that you can somewhat control the majority of the splatter based on how hard you were pushing when you popped it, and in what direction you were pushing. But you can't control all of the stuff - some bits will splatter the opposite way, and no matter what, you've got bits going in more directions than you did when you were simply hitting the floor.

Drop an idea into a mind… the splatter pattern is phenomenal.

Questions Hard to Answer

"How are you feeling?", he asks

How am I?
I'm standing.. teetering…
On the edge of a very lovely precipice
Over which to fall would not be a bad thing
Would be stunning
Lovely
Kaleidescopic sensations course through me
Bouncing
Rebounding
Telescoping
The part of me that thinks .. that controls… that maintains sanity
Shuts down,
Or at least runs gibbering into a tiny silent corner and cowers
I'm left with sensations… emotions (because they're tied one to another)
And no real 'one' left inside me to hold them down
Just a placekeeper, really… a sort of dummy pilot
Whose only real purpose is to maintain some basic functions
I can do nothing here but cling desperately
To the ragged edges of sanity that are blowing in the winds of this maelstrom
Forming words is difficult. Thoughts nearly impossible.
You are my only anchor
This physical contact with you
Where skin touches skin
Where the warmth of your body leaks into mine
Warming… Healing…
Providing a glowing link.. a psychic umbilical cord
To that which remains constant
You replace the very ground as my point of contact
My hold on this Earth… this self
You become that which is stable
Safe
Trustworthy

I have in me a pilot who loves to fly these sorts of coursing storms
She screams and begs and writhes
Sobs wrenchingly
To be let out
When she flies
She laughs in the face of danger! teeth bared she looks excitement in the eye
And laughs a wild free laugh
infectious
Lives for the moment… to the Devil with what may come tomorrow
Inside, I gag her, quiet her, soothe her
drop promises on her like lollipops
That I know I may not be able to keep
Of another tomorrow
Anything to keep her quiet … enough
Sane… enough
Lulled… enough
That she doesn't wrench control from me and run with the wind
Which would be desperately lovely, and wild, and free

The vista is .. panoramic
Oh, so inviting
Tempting
Tantalizing
No!
Why?
Because you must come with me
If you don't also let go the earth and fly
We will drop like stones to the rocks below
We will separate in the winds
Lose one another in the mists of time
Screaming
Crying
Calling
Yearning
Devastating betrayals of soul and self… and other
Where you touch me now
Where our hands clasp
Where skin touches skin
Is at this moment my only anchor to both self and other
While you anchor yourself to earth still
If we're going to fly
You must come with me
Let go the earth
Course the winds
I can look at you
Entice you
I want to show you all this stunning beauty I see
I sense
Just over this precipice
I know it's there on nothing but faith
No concrete evidence
No promises
No guarantees
I can beg you with every molecule of self
Every bit of me…
Every bit but my voice
To hear… look… feel
Let go the earth
I won't push you, laughing… although she might
(Hence the lollipops)
Come with me willingly
Oh, please… come fly

~~06/17/05

An Invitation (work in progress)

lie naked with me
on hot summer sand
hear the gulls as they fly
feel the waves beat primal rhythms against the shore

lie naked with me
under a dark nights' sky
while the fireflies flirt
hear the crickets dance, the bullfrogs sing
and with me watch the fires of the universe turn

lie naked with me
on the green, green grass
let ladybugs tickle our toes
let warm winds ruffle our hair
while musky scent wafts from sun warmed skin

lie naked with me
stare blindly at the sky
arms raised resting
let me bathe myself in azure pools
til I drown & come alive again

lie naked with me
where our souls unbend
gently soften my angles
help me be a better self... a better me
til the curves of my self please your touch

lie naked with me
with covers thrown off
where passion has havoc wreaked
lend your soul... give your whole
flesh's pleasures finely tweaked

lie naked with me
as the tides wax & wane
as the sun & the moon chase
one another across our sky
lie with me while our skies darken and mortal eyes grow dim

lie naked with me
on some lazy afternoon
draw circles on my skin
watch the dust motes dance in the sunbeams
forget with me the world without, share the world within

~~ 06/2005

06/07/05 - Tuesday

Holding out. That's pretty much what I've been doing for YEARS now. Yeah, years. Doesn't that suck? Holding out for something the great big bad world defines as "perfect". For a relationship with a single human being that fills all those emotional, physical, and practical needs that clamour in cacaphony inside, begging for surcease - for a similar soul with whom to gibber in empathy in the long dark tea time of the soul. I haven't always thought along with the masses - there was a time when I was very flexible in considering options that Fate tossed my way! Then somewhere along the line I thought I'd give conservative a try, and got stubborn, started slamming doors on possibilities when they didn't meet the almighty criteria of the socially innane. Think Dharma v. Kitty ;-)

So where has that gotten me? Well... single, mostly. And why? Primarily because in getting sucked into those confines, I was unable to let go of the elite criteria. God forbid that I do things half way... if I'm gonna have to find "the one", then dammit, he's gonna be the ONE!

The little voice in my head gibbers away to itself.

I stopped to listen to it the other day... it's been a long time since I did that, too. That little voice has gotten more conservative as time has passed, but it still had some thoughts of its own that maybe I really ought to listen to. Perhaps it's happened before & I didn't notice it, but I seem to have a lovely confluence of people in my life right now. No "one", but perhaps... just perhaps... more than one that in combination does exactly what I was looking for in one.

One man: intelligent, witty, stunningly attractive, enjoys my company.... at least when I relax & let him enjoy it in his own way! A lover of life & all that's in it, including most of the people. Positively oriented to a degree that sets an undemanding example for everyone around him -- I notice that. I marvel at it, and since I learn best by rote, he helps me be a better person just by being in proximity. He glows with something golden, something Leonine. Warm & buttery, sun-drenched, wild & fierce. Doing little, he tosses the butterflies in my stomach into the air to create a stunning mosaic of fluttering emotions. He arouses a low growl of passion in me that he refuses to sate. He fills something in me I can't quite put my finger on, makes me crave ever so much more... that I don't think he can(?) will(?) give. But what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: intelligent, witty, very attractive, apparently enjoys my company. Hauling some emotional and historical baggage that he uses to buffer himself from people like clutching in front of him a huge overstuffed punching bag while the world takes pot shots at him. I adore his blunt honesty, his willingness to toss all the garbage into the fray & stand there saying "all that? yeah, that's mine." Waiting for the people around him to scoff, scorn, shred his flimsy bravado into the winds with simple condemnation. He is in agony to be loved... to love... and yet even loving won't fill the gaping maw inside around which his mind circles and circles frantically... unceasing. Probably nothing will. He can only give just so much before his mind goes tripping off elsewhere, and over the years he's learned how to ask questions, how to be there physically to conceal from whoever he's with that he just took a spill over into the abyss & left them behind. He's tried a bizillion things to stop the gibbering, nothing works for more than moments, if that. He may spend his life trying to fill that hole and never really grasp that it can't be filled, although I suspect he's beginning to get it. It can be contained, and occasionally sated juust enough to be ignored for awhile... but not filled. What does he want from me? Intimacy. Physical release combined with conversation... perhaps even communion. A place to toss out those needs and fears, likes, hopes, wants... have them be accepted, mulled over, picked through & finally deemed "not so bad". A place where a physical union confirms in the most primal way possible "you're ok... really... I like you still." I get that! I soooo get that. I can give that. There are many things he probably can't give.. and it's premature to think this... but what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One man: Well... this spot's still open, but it would be that someone who could & would be by my side, sharing my friends, my days, my daughter, my life. Someone who holds my hand & kisses me chastely, sweetly on the forehead to express his affection. Someone who will wrap their arms around me & let me rest my head on their shoulder not only in the privacy of our home, but at a parade. In line at the movies. At my parents' house. At his. Not "the one", but someone intelligent, witty, attractive, who adores me. (see a trend here? lol) Someone for whom I fill a need too. Someone to DO things with -- restaurants offer "two for one" deals that suck when you're just one. Movies are better shared, even if you share them in silence. Books are nicer read with someone by your side. Days are nicer when you have someone to talk to at the end of them. Troubles are nicer when you have someone you can count on to lend a hand.. or an ear... or a shoulder. The yard gets mowed quicker, the house cleaner, meals are more friendly when you do it with someone. My need for time alone - and a lot of it - is demanding. An actual physical need. But there are a lot of hours in a year... and once a need is sated, there's gotta be something else there, too. Maybe this guy wouldn't be around to sate lust, maybe he wouldn't touch that inner glow I can't quite define... maybe he wouldn't even be all that bright. But sometimes just BEING there is worth forgiving a world of sins. So what if? What if I found that "more" somewhere else & just let him be who & what he is?

One: Ha! One? ONE? I quit. My Dad always did tell me I did everything bass-ackwards, and you know what? I seem to recall that bass-ackwards WORKS for me. The world may have just tossed two of the triad I just described smack in my lap (again), and I think this time I'm going to pay some damn attention. At least I'm going to try! Maybe one or both of these two guys would even expand some naturally if I let them, & I wouldn't need the third. Maybe "the one" would even happen along if I stopped looking. But you know what? For now, I've got lessons to learn from both of these people... love to give them, time to make for them, and there's healing to go 'round for all of us.

What do you think? Does it stand a chance in hell of actually working?

06/03/05 -- Friday

It's my birthday. I'll cry if I want to.

05/31/05 - Tuesday

"But what is a tease? A cruel misdirection? Or simply a lure?"

" flirt...tease... semantics! Although now that I think about it, I could split the hair thus: A flirt is a false lure with a future promise peeking from behind it... a tease is a false lure with a dead end in its wake."

So which are you?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 4:50 PM

> > Short emails warrant short replies. That's important> when> > I'm short on time, regardless of the fact that you're> short> > on patience. :)

05/24/05 - Tuesday

OMG, but some days just SUCK! What a freakin' crappy-ass day. (Except lunch. Lunch was lovely.) It's been a curl up in the fetal position & just cry sort of day. And it's not even DONE yet! The cat took one look at me when I got home & ran.

Some people should be shot, others strung up by their big toes, a few tasks that I really think would be better served by some TNT..... I'd blame it on the full moon, but I'm rather fond of the moon.

Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who had a remarkably similar sort of day, & after some mutual commiseration, we decided that it would do us no good whatsoever to continue to whine & moan about our own lousy stinkin' crappy day because after one good bitch, that's just self-centered. Therefore, we agreed that sometime this evening, we would each go scream, rant, cry at the moon, fetal-up and quiver... whatever we felt like... but instead of bemoaning our own fate as we whimpered, we'd each think solely of the other, put ourselves in the other's shoes & try to appreciate how truly crappy THEY felt today, and vent as needed on the other person's behalf. An attempt at intrinsic empathy.

Gimme just a few more minutes & I'll give it a go.....

05/20/05 - Friday

You walk in my door like you belong here. As though you've done it a thousand times. And yet your eyes are on me as though a thousand more won't ease the wonderful novelty of belonging here.. and now. A smile dances around the corners of your lips. A laugh sparkles playfully in eyes that are impossibly, drowningly blue. You don't pause when you come in... and look at me... the way they've staged it in a thousand movies. You come straight in and sit next to me, claiming ownership once again of one corner of my couch. You tell me about your day - like you've done it that thousand times and more. The familiarity... the normalcy... the simplicity of it takes my breath away.

Your lips are always each time I see you softer even than I remember. When you're speaking, your tounge is so impossibly pink teasing me as it flits and peeks and teases from between those two full-to-bursting lips, also a pink that belies description. Were you a woman, I'd compare rose buds... or the moist pink nose of a cat. You're not, and so I am lost in my metaphors. But they tease me, they tempt me, and I desire.

Sometimes, while we're talking, you suddenly sort of dive in and just "steal" a kiss... except it's not stolen, because to "steal" it would mean it was not there for your taking. That my lips were not in some recent collection of moments willing yours to mine. And sometimes when our lips meet, it becomes just you & I adrift somewhere... selves dancing in some lovely medium where nothing else matters except the dance and play of us, one against and with the other. I adore all the ways that you kiss me.

I could ... possibly... fall in love with someone who kisses me like that. Not just like that, but all the ways that you kiss me. You give me kisses that can make me consider the possibilities in hellos and goodbyes that come every morning and every evening. The kind that have happened so many thousands of times that neither of us think of them any longer as anything but one of the bits of a long-established daily routine. The kind that come complete with "hi honey, I'm home", and washing dishes, compromises, mowing the lawn, and life-changing events, and mundanity, and sometimes fighting, but always making up.

Can you make me feel that way in more than scattered fragments of time? Can you carry it through a thousand times? Through days that are bad as well as good? Special days as well as those that are heavy with a sense of 'same ol' cracker? A thousand times & more? More often than just when you "feel like it"? Can you do that? Can you be that?

Do you want to?

Art to Passion

This month, Zero Boss's Blogging For Books asks us to write an original blog post about one of three topics: lying, fornicating, or going home.

I missed the entry date 'cause I'm a schmuck... but I like the topic(s), so I'll put this out here anyway. (So there!) It's my blog, I can type if I want to.

**********

There is an art to passion.
--In letting it simmer and steep like tea leaves.
--Stirring every so often so the leaves don't stick to the pot and
turn the brew bitter.

You might begin with a look, a glimmer in the eye caught and returned. Then the faintest of touches in passing, sending shimmers of electricity along her skin. Shared laughter lilting in the breeze might nest in your soul and draw you closer. And anticipation, the best seasoning for so fine a brew. Just the faintest sense of unknowing…..yet knowing….where this will lead you.

Faint trace of fingernails on skin, ruffling the tiny hairs along your arms. Aimlessly wandering your body, no goal, no intention to their direction. At once soothing and stimulating.
You relax, muscle by muscle. The days', the weeks' tension flows out of you as the slow, constant whisper of skin on skin goes on. From that loosening of tension slowly rises a languid sense of passion. The clock slips away until finally the night is yours. It stretches endlessly before you -- your playground. You are no longer focused towards a goal, but utterly content to bathe in sensations as one flows into another: Timeless rhythms as seductive as the heartbeat of the earth.

Fingernails and fingertips: faint tracings brushing across sensitized skin. Small forgotten corners of your body weep as they are found and rejoined through touch. The tiniest crevasse in the crook of your arm joins its broader bicep cousin, flowing into the back of your arm where shoulder meets armpit and curves into side and then chest. Broad swathes take nails down your back where sides meet back, then back up along your spine. Brush softly that sweet hollow in your lower back, covered in tiny sensitive hairs to touch softly as a breath of air. Light furrows raked across pale buttocks of flesh, framing them in pale pink lines. The lightest flicker of touch along the line where buttocks meet--so vulnerable, so sensitive to a wing-like flutter. Teasing with an almost-there caress, they flinch and contract and beg for more.

Down your thigh, strong muscles outlined in moonlight and nail polish, defined in burnished passion's heat. Back of the knee, feather light, then over calves' curve to the ankle. Nails change to fingertips to hand cupping your heels, across the tender sole of foot and toes, each individualized, separated, recognized. Finger drawn between each tiny foot's finger, skin rarely recognized leaping to obey. And back up that foot, delicate bones traced quickly by soft strong hands. Ankle, calves brushed lightly along the sides as hands slide up your leg, over knee and meander across thighs taut with a different tension. Forever they climb, slowly, oh so slowly back and forth across your thigh. The sensation spreads & tingles from legs to toes to buttocks to groin, electric pulses oh so slightly slower than the touch of nails to skin.

Tension mounts, and that soft plateau where thigh meets hip meets belly pulses. Touch explodes into a fiercer rhythm, heart pulsing to its beat. I can feel its rhythm through that delicate skin.

Upwards towards its source. Tiny goose pimples of flesh greet me as I brush your belly. Soft gasps of inhaled breath fill the silent dark with sound as I tease the softest trail of hair in treasure's triangle. But those teasing, grazing hands move onwards up away from that throbbing bent of passion. Your whole body begs to be touched. Up, up, outlining ribs and feeling each quick shallow indrawn breath.

Circling round and round tiny nipples hard as pebbles on a rocky beach. They leave. They pause the space of an exhaled breath, and on that breath's last wings, they touch. Tiny ripples of fire straight from nipple tips to groin to toes, body connected in electric sting.

Mouth descends to join the dance, hot moist breath felt oh, so softly in the crook of your neck. In the silence, the parting of lips is felt as clearly as the closing of teeth lightly on your earlobe. The tiniest of moans is as audible as your heartbeat, our breath, in the stillness of this night.

My lips trace the path my fingers have flown as we move together effortlessly, touch and sensation merging in this passion's dance. Along the outlines of shoulder blades and spine, the faintest touch of tongue makes you arch your back in involuntary response. Soft lips tease your contours, pale cheeks of flesh quiver and tense as they are gently probed. And again, contours fully outlined, the crease of buttock and thigh so often forgotten is paid homage by the lightest flicker of tongue.

Soft skin trailed to the back of the knee, hot warm mouth open and sucking widely on that skin while tongue rolls across it. Down taut calves and to the foot's benediction. Each individual toe is immersed into this hot, wet mouth for a moment of blind sensation. And up, up again come lips and hands, across miles of skin begging to be caressed yet again.

I ignore passion's plateau, toying with bellybutton and taunting the tiny hairs with my chin. My hair brushes across your belly randomly, flickering onto unteased areas. Up your chest to where I began, where neck meets chest meets shoulders, earlobe getting the lightest of nips. Across your shoulders, down outstretched arms, your mind's eye follows my mouth in the dark.

Teeth graze your palm followed by tongue, then each finger is drawn deep into that mouth, surrounded by heat and tongue, teeth grazing callused tips in rough sensation. Sucking, pulling, each part of your body drawn into and through those fingers as they writhe helplessly in passion's grasp.

Back up your arms, to chest, lips toy aimlessly across it's breadth then graze nipples, tiny pebbled nipples straining t be kissed. They are immersed. Tongue toys with them as I suckle on that begging flesh. Your fingers twine in my hair as your whole body throbs in response.

And as I suckle there, teasing and tweaking nipple's peaks, my fingers inch downward, nails leaving a trail of crescent moons until they reach that soft plateau of hip and belly. They twirl there softly and I release your nipple with my mouth, only to take it up again, lightly rolling it between thumb and finger.

Mouth descends on mouth and tongues duel for love or lust. Hot wet maelstrom of kisses, mouth locked on mouth sucking and demanding surcease. Fingers curve and nails dig into that soft spot on thigh-belly. Digging deeply into that pleasure nerve, nipple explodes and mouth explodes and cock explodes into passion's grasp. I take your cries into my mouth and my body presses against yours--anchor in sensation's storm. And as that storm subsides, the still warm press of flesh on flesh melts oh, so slowly into exhausted passion's aftermath, curled in my embrace and ravished in our storm.

05/03/05 - Tuesday

My daughter is such a sweet little pain in the ass. And a bit of a hypocondriac to boot. But I have to say.. I was SO proud of her yesterday! Bad mommy lost track of the calendar & didn't realize until 3am Monday morning that 9am was rolling around quickly, and on it's heels was coming.. the Kindergarten physical. We'd been talking about "going to the Dr", next week to be followed by "going to the dentist", both of which are normally a grand event in her little life. She gets SO excited, the buildup between making the appt & actually going almost drives her insane. But... well... you parents out there know what sort of nasty surprize comes with the K physical, don't you? Yeah. Shots. Several of 'em. And I forgot about this appt, so no opportunity to mentally prepare her for potential nastiness. Maybe that was just as well?

First the TB test, which elicited just a bit of a whimper & right at the veeerrry end an "oouuuch, that hurts!" (in a tiny, high, slightly panic-edged voice). I have to say, knowing B, I expected great wails right off the top & was pretty impressed w/ this bit of fortitude.

Then our great peds office team tag-teamed her for the nasty bits -- they had me hold her in a big cross-armed hug to keep her from grabbing anything bad, & nailed her one on each side at the same time so fast she didn't know what was coming. Then the last one she did... but what can you do? Even then, the volume of outraged distress was so much less than I'd anticipated I wasn't certain I was even holding MY daughter. Didn't even begin to rival the circus of attention-demanding wails we get when she does something simple.. like scrape a knee. I guess that's the sign (for now anyway) that it's serious. Lots of noise: not hurt. Near silent whimpers: call an ambulance.

It doesn't hurt that they then immediately bribed the bejeezus out of her. Trotting off to the "loot" room, she came back with a toy, a sticker, and not one, but THREE suckers (one for each shot) clutched in her greedy little hands and not a tear in sight.

Then they gave us a script to go to the lab for a CBC & lead test (we live in an "old" house), & said "you don't have to go today". Are you NUTS? I'm not about to let this momentum pass! Not after you've managed to stick FOUR needles in her body, get off with about 2 min of restrained tears & then bribed her to the moon! I'm riding on your success, buddy. So I bribed her with her choice of whatever she wanted (ice cream) to go get this last one done NOW, knowing the sugar high would only bollux the evening, not the life..

How'd that work out? She was utterly disgusted at the meager offerings of the lab. After all, THEY only gave her a little coloring book & a couple of crayons. Pffft. What kind of bribe is THAT?!! lololol

But finally, my great kid then told me why she had three suckers instead of just one: "But mom, I have to SHARE!" And she did. The waitress at lunch was the surprized but appreciative recipient of one pristine watermelon sucker, & gave B one of the best bits of loot of the day: A great big hug with a smile & a thank you. B beamed happy for a couple of hours after that one. I love my kid.

04/27/05 - How Normal am I?

You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/

04/27/05 - Wednesday

Ketchup, ketchup... everybody needs a little ketchup now & then! Eh? That was "catch up", you say? Oh, sorry... my bad. ;-) Darn it.. here I thought we were going on a picnic or something. No, instead you just wanna know what the heck has been going on.

Life has been - busy! (Imagine that.) Spring tends to do that to a person. I always seem to get a burst of energy.. new life.. enthusiasm in the spring that sends me bounding out to the world (AWAY from the computer) to discover new nooks & crannies, fun things to do, bring new people into my life, and catch up with the old ones. Whether or not they're feeling the same sort of tiggerific "bounce", it seems to work both ways. Folks I hadn't talked to in ages seem to crawl out of the woodwork with smiles on their faces & affection to spare. There's the illusion that there is time to do EVERYTHING (except vaccum). I, however, know it won't last, under the "feast or famine" principle that always (yes, always) overtakes me. Once I get to enjoying the feast, famine will inevitably follow on its heels. And vice versa, of course. Ah well.. live for the moment! I will try to retro date a post or two to "catch up" sometime soon. Maybe even the ones I lost earlier. Maybe.

The one thing that I can virtually count on is that now that Spring has shown her face - even though she's shiving under the covers with me this week - the grass and the bushes in my yard will require frequent trimmings that I will have to struggle mightily to squeeze in between other far more enticing activities. Should my cup runneth over with enticing invitations, then small jungle creatures will begin to spontaneously morph into being in my yard, baring tiny teeth and lusting mightily after any ankles daring enough to brave the green overgrowth. Ok.. not really - I like my neighbors too much to let it get too out of hand. But darn it, it almost makes me wish I rented instead of owned. Almost.

Hey... anybody wanna mow my yard for me? We could maybe work it out in trade.... ;-) (lol)

04/23/05 -- Saturday

Three hours of traipsing in the woods Saturday gained us these YUMMY spoils for our labour! Breakfast, anyone?

04/21/05 - Thursday

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

04/15/05 00 Friday

Lost another one. Twice. Damn Blog.

04/08/05 - Friday

Wow... so much going on this weekend that I don't even have time to write about it all. In fact, no time to write much of anything at all as I look at the clock & see how late it is. Many irons in many fires! (Some a those fires aren't hot enough to suit me yet... but we'll just see what we can do about that ;-) I got a little spring in my step today, & I'm in the mood for some excitement! A little flair! A little 'pi-ZSHA'! A little chutzpah! Somebody surprize me, willya? Knock me offa my feet! Outta the ballpark! Outta my socks! Into.. well.. hey! how's about somebody make me a memory? One that'll make me smile in odd moments and strange places. Pretty please?

~~~Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once ;-)~~ Anon

04/08/05 - Friday

Dear E-blogger,

While I realize my last note to you wasn't 100% positive, I did compliment you on finally getting comment notifications to come to me like they're supposed to. It's not very nice of you to re-break that function and STILL not fix the justification on my sidebar. If you're mad at me, I really wish you'd just come talk to me about it.

Love,
Me.

04/04/05 - Monday

Dear Blogger.com --
Thank you VERY much for finally fixing your site so that I now get notification when someone posts a comment! Well.. at least when some comments are posted... but I'll take some over none any day!

Now could you please make my sidebar justify to the top of the page rather than the bottom? I know it's something on your end, b/c I haven't changed anything in the template for days.

Sincerely,
Me

04/03/05 Sunday -- Broke

Wow... took an informal poll today, and if it weren't for a final surprize call from Jess, it would have been unanimous: today, all my female friends appear to be broke. That's broke as in "in need of fixin'", not "out of gas"! Luckily, Jess broke the "life=ick" streak that seemed to be pouring out of my web of fellow gatherers and ended our day with a few grins and a much more pleasant segue to a conversation that started elsewhere earlier this weekend. Thanks! :-)

What do you do when your friends are broken? Sometimes it's obvious, of course -- commiseration, TLC, medical care, a helping hand, a stiff drink, a hug, a vacation, a few laughs, a kick in the ass, a good cry... each in its own time, but one of these things usually does the trick. (Note: men may have alternate remedies - feel free to share!) Several of my friends tonight, in fact, seemed to be much cheered by one of more of the above, and I know they'll be fine very very soon.

What about when nothing seems to be working? When those little "fixes" are just bandaids over a supperating wound and even large life or lifestyle changes don't seem to clear the melee of confusion swarming about this person you care about? When it almost even seems impossible to identify & diagnose the actual problem(s)?

Who heals the healer?

Key symptoms, you ask? Instant, automatic and vehement (verbal) defense of self / self worth / self identity / opinions to an extent inappropriate to time, place, subject, and company. Mild paranoia? Sporadic loss of train of logic leading to gross creative leaps from legitimate debate to only loosely related topics of personal attack. Brutally swift swings regarding future intent. Short temper. Intolerance. Aggression. Did I mention a disturbing deterioration of logic?

Yep... it appears that's what I've got in my friend pool. A crisis of infinite personal proportions. Any suggestions? Maybe it's just a midlife crisis (please God, save me from one of those!) ... but that's such a banal term, and does nothing to help. I believe pretty strongly in giving the self the opportunity to heal the self, knowing that some things really do heal "by themselves". But I noticed this issue with my friend a couple of years ago when it seemed to be only a symptom of a known problem. A precise surgical incision / major life change (a divorce) seems to have eliminated the known problem, but rather than healing, this awesome person is only getting worse.

This is an extremely bright, talented, dedicated, phenomenal, strong, stunningly beautiful woman we're talking about here. Had some pretty crappy things happen early on in life, but drew on inner strengths to succeed, has done so beyond the wildest dreams of the idiots who couldn't see beyond their own noses, and should by all rights now be on top of the world. Instead, she's screaming and clawing her way out from some hidden hell inside herself, and I don't know how to help.

And yes, I have to help. Remove myself, you suggest? Yeeeaaahh... um.. can't do that just yet. GREAT theory!: Don't like something, ya got two options: 1) Do something about it or 2)Shut the hell up; Deal with it. I love the simplicity of that theory - works on damn near every situation you encounter. But that #2 option just ain't cutting it right now -- there are some people in your life that you just should not... cannot.. abandon. Besides that, people who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones! I know I'm no social diva, I've needed to be bailed out of social faux paus more times in my life than I'd like to admit, hate chit chat, and am embarrassed at my poor performance in chit chat trivia. But I can't just keep shutting up any more. As of last night, this friend's behaviour has officially crossed the line from a little embarrassing now & then into openly rude and .. umm... delusional?

We spent what was on the early balance a very pleasant evening. My friend and her significant other, a friend of his and myself had dinner, drinks, a show, great music, friendly conversation, good company... a short walk, more drinks, some very bad, very loud music (karaoke), and then.... fight#1 (jealousy). I was both relieved and pleased when my date wholeheartedly agreed with a 1/2 teasing suggestion that when fight #1 failed to fade away, how 'bout we simply vacate the premises for something quieter? (He'd been suggesting quieter for awhile by then, but... you know... you're with a group.. we women try to keep the group toGETHER! It's a gatherer thing.) Back to his place, and lo and behold, fight#1 followed us back, both of them not even fully in the door before it branched out into accusations #1 and #2 (both painless, just inappropriate and annoying). I wasn't playing that game & neither was our host... so those died off with just a grieved whimper. But before our bottle of wine hit half mast came fight #2.. and somewhere in there was a fight #3 as well. What the hell? And one of those was a doozie. I'm a watcher, and I have to say of that debate that it was a debacle. A debatacle?

My friend was obviously out for a fight last night... she was a gonna get one if'n she had to go seven ways to Sunday to get it. She thinks she got it. The really sad thing is that she really didn't -- she was the only one in the room who was fighting.

Now she feels aggrieved. Still pissed off. Doesn't want anything more to do with our host / my date / her other's friend. What is with these all or nothing ultimatums she's tossing around these days?!!? This guy was the one person in the room who tried everything he could think of to derail her destructive mood and finally gave in to her need to verbally spar with someone because he simply ran out of options! (Yes, more to it than that.. gave into temptation, too, but it was a grand struggle before he lost to the cause.) Even then he kept the focus between the two of them and kept the damage to a minimum - hmm... tossed himself to the lions?

Dammit... I like him. So far, at least. Interesting, good conversationalist, socially fascile, intelligent. Great taste in music. I suspect he's brutally honest and yet as I have witnessed, well able to hold his tongue. Cognizant of when it might be best to do so. Very attractive, too -- didn't have much to do with my appreciation of the company for a change, but it's always a nice bonus ;-) I suspect he has a good grasp of his good qualities as well as his notsagood ones, and isn't afraid to point them out and accept them as part of the package. I have an appreciation for that special brand of self-awareness. He was very easy to be with, and dammit, I want to do it again. Without the debatacle!

So let's see.. I know I'm not in good form tonight, but I believe I have the following: 1) A very old, valuable friend with some serious inner issues desperately needing some release I can't seem to identify but must find a way to address, and soon. 2) Another newer friend caught in the eddies of that struggle & in danger of becoming debris beached from the storm. 3) A new acquaintance I'd really like to learn more about who's just been summarily and unfairly banished from the potentiality of our foursome. 4) A headache. ('cause I was dumb enough to stay up til 5am two nights in a row, and dumb enough to drink tequila, southern, wine, and beer all in the same evening) 5) a crapload of work on my desk that was supposed to be done before a meeting tomorrow 6)

Wait... don't forget a few of the good things. Always remind myself of the good things, too: 1) Some very old, very valuable friends. Period. And newer ones. And potential ones! 2) An awesome life. Could be more exciting here & there, but I can effect that, right? 3) B. Always B. 4) An iron constitution that will rebound quickly from my abuse of it. 5) Dates! I usually hate dating, but damn, before the debatacle, I was having just a little bit of fun. I will, therefore, look forward with less trepidation to the others already on my calendar, shamelessly troll for more, and enjoy every one! Who's cookin' breakfast?

03/30/05 - Thursday

((Driving somewhere inconsequential with a thousand other things clamouring for my attention))
"Mom... do you know where the shelter is?"
"What shelter?"
"The SHELTER!"
"What shelter?"
(we go back and forth like this for a minute or two til she finally gets frustrated & gives an actual description)
"The one where you go to if there's a lot of traffic & a lot of water!"
(Wondering where this came from)
"Oh, you mean the Emergency Shelter? Where you go if there's a big storm?"
"Yeah...do you know where it is?"
"Uhh.... I don't think there is one in Belleville, hon. (remembering frantic calls to neighbors at an obscene time of night when B was itty bitty) There's one in Freeburg, so if we were w/ J&S, we could go there then, but most people go to their basement." (mental note to check with town officials again)
"Do you know where it is?" (persistent, isn't she?)
"Why do you ask?"
"Well... Hank & Bobby Hill did that. The red phone was ringing and he answered it and the guy told him what to do & what not to do and there was big, BIG water... umm (stumped for word & searching for description).. like the sea!"
((Oh, brother... the TV monster hits again.))
"That's a "flood" honey. when there's big big water like the sea, that's called a flood."
"Oh! (great relief in voice over finding the right word) Well. Hank & Bobby Hill & there were lots of traffic and a .. a.. FLOOD... blah blah blah...."

Well... at least it's USEFUL information!

My friends Tammy & Matt, out @ The Pub 03 26 2005

Me - Out with friends at The Pub 03 26 2005

03/28/05 - Monday

YeeeaaaahhH!!! My friend is home my friend is home my friend is ho ho ho home from Haawwaaaaiiiiii.... happy days :-) I've been chomping at the bit since I started the drive home Sunday afternoon to see howwasthetriptellmeallaboutitdidyouseeanythingneat doanythingfunmeetcoolpeopletellmetellmetellmegodImissedyou Hi! But I have most graciously restrained myself from calling because I know there's a time differential involved, and family to greet and collect, and unpacking to do, and that final sigh of regret to experience and savour as the real world draws nigh again. But we MISSED you! Both of you! (Who cares that we'd have only seen you once in the interim anyway... I, at least, felt the void out there in the ether of possibility.) Big long warm hugs & welcome home, friends!

B (long hair) & her friend Ha at Jungles O Fun 01/2005

03/28/05 -- "Driving Late at Night... Far Away" (Mix)

I spent the weekend with this great mix by Jim aka "Ninodamindboggler" (see track list below) Oh, all right... I wasn't driving late at night -- I was driving smack dab in the middle of the day, but I and my mind were certainly far away, and the drive was long enough to devour this mix and its companion track over more than once.

Taking a long drive is a great way to get some thinking done. (Or some talking, but this drive I did sans other.) You can think about everything, nothing, and interesting permutations inbetween. But I gotta tell you... something happened when I hit track 10. Every time I hit track 10. The first nine tracks let your mind wander wherever it might want to go. Fragments of thought are fine. Stop & mull over a concept, dwell in a memory or three... all those things are supported and carried along on the wave of sound. Listening to this mix, I can certainly put myself mentally into some anonymous vehicle eating up the miles between hither & yon, the night sky yawning endless above you and the road stretching endless before you -- miles of empty pavement cooling slowly from the heat of the day into the comfort of the night....

((track 10 - the flirt)) ... and then, no matter what nameless wandering your mental steps may have done, where they may have taken you.... this playfully insistent little beat lilts across your wandering and brings you full circle back to be right where you are. Your head cocks to one side & one eyebrow reaches for the sky as a smile plays with the corners of your mouth. Teasing little ideas pop enticingly into your head, and you go from miles away to being focused on the here & now. Maybe you have someone sleeping in the seat next to you... maybe they're driving... maybe you even had one of those magic encounters at a late night diner or a roadhouse bar along the way & on the spur of the moment brought them with you... but while for miles you've been miles away, now you've got ideas. Playful ideas. An impish grin does a little jig over your soul and you begin a lilting little dance of attraction with them as the miles speed away beneath the wheels of your car. Flirting.. teasing... playing... then track 11 comes along, and the game is truly afoot.

((track 11 - the dance)) The impish flirt segues into a more intimate dance. Still a game, still there's a bit of flirt to it, but the vibe has become a more serious one. From a quirky "hey, you over there... you're kinda cute", it's become a dance of "hey, ya wanna?" Picture/feel the intensity of two flamenco dancers, eyes locked intensely on one another... intricate steps of body and soul, passion building...

((track 12 -- engagement)) Yeah, ya wanna. Maybe by now you've pulled the car over into some private curve of trees, moonlight bathing the remote location... maybe neither of you notice the summer breeze or the smell of asphalt, but the beat provides a rhythm, and perhaps you do notice - albeit briefly - that the hood of the car is warm under your naked skin...

((track 13 -- denouement)) I can't quite decide whether this is the work of a cunning linguist, or whether it is simply that indefinable place your mind races to... retreats to... when sensation goes beyond words, when time itself slows, and material things around you become at once more poignant, more intimate, and yet utterly superflous -- an altered, slow mental and physical scream of passion...

((track 14 -- afterglow)) Reality. Two people apart, a little lazy, sweetly flushed. Now you do notice the warm summer's breath as it cools the sweat on your skin. You hear the engine clicking as it too cools under you. Comradarie... small touches, you help one another dress. Perhaps you smile at the moon as you take one last look around to lock the memory in your head. One more slow kiss with Luna's blessing. Get back in the car, start it up, and hit the road again. Holding hands now, silent but reconnected, relaxed... once again the road rolls away under rubber, mile after mile....

((track 15 -- back to the world)) I don't know.. maybe you dropped off your passenger? Say your goodbyes... maybe your "til later"s, but shake off the enoui. You're sharper, keener. Refreshed. Move on.

1. The Flamingos - I Only Have Eyes For You
2. Depeche Mode - Policy of Truth
3. Sinead O'Conner - Jerusalem
4. South - Paint the Silence
5. Rolling Stones - Time Waits For No One
6. Talk Talk - Inheritance
7. Clan of Xymox - Medusa
8. Supremes - Reflections
9. Skylab - Seashell
10. Paul Simon - Can't Run But
11. Los Lobos - Kiko and the Lavender Moon
12. Amon Tobin - Down & To the Left
13. Radiohead - Like Spinning Plates
14. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
15. Interpol - Untitled
16. Q. Lazzarus - Goodbye Horses
17. Les Paul & Mary Ford - How High the Moon

03/25/05 Saturday

A COMMENT!!! Just somebody bitching that I haven't written anything recent... but STILL. Hey... been busy... been not-inspired... been... um... lazy! Still am for that matter. I blame it solely on some new music I indulged myself in a couple of weeks ago -- I bought 5 or 6 new CD's, and absolutely ADORE three of them -- Van Morrison's Tupelo Honey has been lulling me into a warm summer day sort of lazy bliss whenever I'm in the car (other STL drivers would thank them if they knew)... Billy Joel's classical piano Fantasies & Delusions is providing a soothing vamp to everything I do around the house... and yesterday, Mezzanine's Massive Attack FINALLY arrived in the mail to jazz the lazy bliss into something else -- not quite sure what yet, but it's got a distinctly sexual undertone. I like it.

And THAT (to my lone commenter of the week) is all the music I've been enjoying. I'm still awaiting my hard-earned spoils of bloggdom with baited breath. Sue the USPS, hop a plane, or get your butt to the post office, mister! Come on, pleeeaaasse? Nobody wants a woman whose breath smells like worms! ("baited breath".. get it? Ha!)

Getting ready to take B to go visit the P's for Easter. Last night brought on a tearing-out-of-the-hair trip to the mall (& etc) for the prerequisite Easter Dress(es). Can't possibly take a little girl to visit her grandparents on Easter without an Easter Dress. And white gloves. Of course, once we got home, I found that the white shoes in her drawer don't fit any more, so back out to find shoes that will work with the dress, and I forgot we hadn't had supper so couldn't figure out why she was whining & tantruming all the way. I tried on a few dresses myself, and the combination of her being cranky and having to look at multiple disasters of me in dressing room mirrors... The whole experience was worse than braving the blue light special muggers at Christmas, let me tell you!

Now we're in the throes of packing. You'd never know how much angst goes into packing for a two day trip. It's easier to pack for a week or two -- people don't roll their eyes at you for showing up with three suitcases, a suit bag, a bag of toys, and a pillow when you're going for a week or two. But geez.... how to make up your mind re: what you MIGHT end up needing for two days?!?! We've got an Easter egg hunt this afternoon... at which someone is surely going to be taking cute little Easter egg hunt pictures... but it's COLD outside! Have you ever noticed that 98% of cute little easter dresses are SLEEVLESS? Even the little white sweaters that are supposed to be around to help keep 'em warm are short-sleeved this time of year. Supper with the parental P's tonight, to include some step-relatives we never see (with kids), which will, of course, bring on more picture taking. Since these kids never get together, a LOT of picture taking. After supper & some games, I'm sure I'll pop over to see a few friends from the ol' home town, which quite often leads to a few beers & etc out at one or both of the two decent bars available. It being a holiday weekend, there may even be something going on, since people come home for holidays. I can't possibly wear "church & pictures" sorts of clothes to go to the bars... gotta pack some fun clothes for that. Tomorrow of course, we have more Easter egg hunting in the morning, and then we'll go with the maternal side to hear their cantata at church, THEN out with them for Easter Sunday Brunch... and more pictures. (How'd you guess?) There's outfit #3...or 4.. (I'm losing count), and I'd better pack one extra each of "church" & "fun", 'cause if I don't, someone's gonna spill gravy all over the one I was counting on being able to wear a second time.

Gotta go -- the shower's running out of hot water, & B just told me she was "packing her toothbrush & stuff". Hmm... I'd better make sure I check to see what the "stuff" is. The cat probably doesn't want to go home for Easter.

3/16/05 Wednesday -- Love

"The Notebook"... and a thousand other stories just like it. Live it, dammit. Find a way to love that much.

03/15/05 Tuesday night -- Friends & Self

Ah, Amy... my dear, sweet, loving, pixie-like friend with the vivid imagination and incredible brain. She has a heart big enough to encompass everyone she's ever met, a heart tender and easily damaged, not so easily healed... a soul willing to take on the cares of everyone she cares about. I love you for that -- from what I can tell, we all do.

Dear Amy, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH!

I am in many ways an analytical, introspective soul. It is part and parcel of my nature to dig into the nooks & crannies of my psyche, pull out what I find there (even when it comes kicking & screaming all the way), look closely at it, turn it over and over... analyze it... relate it to what I know & hypothesize about what I do not. I recognize fully that there will be things in there that 'aint'sa pretty', but also that some of them belong there. I recognize that as a human being I have had, have, will have many failings to balance out all the wonderful things that are there... and many many wonderful things to balance out all the 'uggies'. While now & then I find something that I think really needs some tweaking (and I'll spare you all the list!), overall, I don't have much of a problem with the balance that is me. Mostly, I rather like it!

I apologize profusely that I worried you... you who care so deeply and are so quick to try to mend... often what I write about tends to be the things that sound sad & unhappy simply because when I'm with my friends (like you), that's when all the happy stuff gets mulled over. Of all the things that rumble through my brain, a balance has to come out somewhere... and I'd really rather save the happy stuff for when I'm with you! The happy stuff gets LIVED more than written... the notsohappy gets written more than lived. Writing stuff out is just another way to muddle through my thoughts, put them in some sort of order... get them OUT of my head where they could fester & put them somewhere far more healthy.... and yeah, maybe even share them from time to time. It's catharsis. It's not a way to hide ... these are not deep dark secrets ( mostly!), they're just things that.. um.. belong somewhere safe.

Thank you for calling me... thank you for caring about me... thank you for always rushing to be sure that all is well... thank you for helping me be a better me... thank you for all the examples you set whether you know it or not... thank you for not being perfect... thank you for talking to me, sharing your life with me, sharing your fears and your joys. Thank you for loving me... thank you for simply existing & for just being you. I love you :-)

03/15/05 Tuesday

This hasn't been my week for computers. Already this week I've spent an hour+ on the phone w/ my service provider, who kindly backpeddaled after first telling me to call the router people & ended up walking me through a complete disconnect, reconnect & reboot of every piece of equipment I own (in the correct order).. God Bless him! I spent a couple of hours last night trying to wiggle my way through some formatting changes on my Blog.. got links to work. YEAH! Got links to look better & stop hurting my eyes. YEAH! Got links to appear at the top of the sidebar instead of the bottom. YEAH! Can't get a pic to load right. Crap. Too much to hope for for one day.. shoulda stopped while I was ahead! Significant sense of accomplishment for me on those bits, tho -- all of you who know how to code, bite me. I'm a neophyte, don't know a damn thing, and figured 85% of it out on my friggin' own. (Big fat thank yous to the one person who did take time out to help!)

Today it's my work laptop that isn't connecting... and the disconnect, reconnect & reboot routine didn't work its magic, either. I started swapping cables around to see if it's the cable, the router, the modem, or the computer... and since everything works fine on my own PC, my guess is that it's the laptop. So I call our HELP desk. Once they hear what the error message is, my 'helper' promptly tells me they can't do anything with a VPN & transfers me to another dept before I can finish telling them I have no Inet connection at all. (Ya gotta have an Inet connection before the VPN will work in the first place.) That "other dept" turns out to be in FL, and the schmo there was unbelievably snotty, obviously bored with his job & thought I was an idiot before he ever heard the sound of my voice. Still thinks so after hearing the entire schpiel & says I gotta have an Inet connection first. Loooooong waiting silence on both sides. Don't they have time standards? Ok... Very very nicely, I ask him to please tell me what to do next... he says call my internet service provider. I explain to him that it really shouldn't be the cable company, since I have full & functional connectivity on my personal PC sitting right here. I explain again that I've swapped all the cables back & forth, everything works fine on mine, just not on the laptop. Snothead tells me again that I should call the internet service provider. Or maybe our Helpdesk. I guess he wasn't aware it was our helpdesk that transferred me to him in the first place? I asked where he was, & he said "Florida". Figures. Our own great IT guys who drop everything to help us, say "hi", & smile at us in the hallways are getting outsourced one by one & in their place I get some dick from FL who obviously neither appreciates nor enjoys the job he's got. He wanted to know WHY it "figures", but I could hear the eager snide-ity in his voice, figured we'd've ended up saying some things I'd rather not have recorded, so I thanked him for his time & hung up. Called the Helpdesk back, and after running through every step I've already taken... TWICE... Clueless guy (nice, but maybe multitasking one too many things) asks me if I've tried changing the cables around. Again I run through it. Please, Mr. Clueless guy, just put a ticket out there for me & I'll draaag myself all the way into STL so our nice friendly happy guys there can show me what idiot thing I've done wrong now. Got a ticket #, putting on my shoes.... Screw it. I just know there's something simple I can try here before going all the way in there & wasting the rest of the day. I'm calling Brad. Shoulda done that in the first place.

03/13/05 Sunday

In an earlier post I parallelled dating to the interview process. I just want it made clear that I despise interviews -- both as the interviewer and the interviewee. In fact, my level of dislike for interviews is only nominally greater than my extreme dislike of dating. The date-ees? Sure.. those I like... um.. most of the time. Relationships? Yes. But "dating"? Blech.

03/12/2005 Saturday -- Discontent

I'm at discontented loose ends today, not sure quite why. Ok, I am sure why, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it, if anything. And I'm not entirely certain I can put my finger on it & keep it there. But I'm gonna give it a try. Here we go...

This suspicion has been growing on me lately that I'm just not all that. That whatever the glowing promise of youth's successes heaped upon my unworthy head, I have not lived up to any of it. Am not living up to any of it. I spent many hours in my youth wishing fervently that I was more "like everyone else". I dreamed some miracle would make my mind work like all the other people's I knew & that it's non-mainstream tendencies would quit getting me in trouble & ostracized from my peers. Well folks, it was a small town... in many ways, "Big fish, small pond". (In other ways, teeny fish.) But now, bigger pond, bigger fish... my mom always told me I should be careful what I wish for. Every time some got-a-6-on-their-ACT's-flunkie laughed at me, every time a coworker or boss who didn't know how "brainstorming" was truly supposed to work rolled their eyes, every time a friend disgustedly asked "what did you just say? What's that word mean?", I wished ever so fervently to be even a smidge more "average", and I'm a bit disgruntled to find that I believe I may have finally made it.

Last night's gaming brought the subject to the fore for me, & I found myself in an internal introspection & debate for most of the evening. I know I completely missed out on a good 75% of the adventure, but it just hit the switch for me & I had to shut down, analyze & evaluate. The ever intriguing, if-nothing-else-life-is-never-dull-around-him, so-sick & twisted-we-can't-quite-bring-ourselves-to-kill-him-but-we-really-ought-to-have-done-it-ages-ago Le'Mule (it's really "Lemuel"... but along the way he picked up a pair of horse legs, and he is more than a bit of a jackass, so...) managed to finegle (as he always does) us into following Rosa and Helstrom through a portal into the very bowels of Hell itself in search of Rosa's departed son Johnny (that's why WE went -- 'cause we just couldn't let Rosa go alone) and Helstrom's dearly departed wife (that's why Lemuel went.. sort of). There are some great creative imaginations sitting around that table, and simply as a matter of fleshing out the story & making it "real", the discussion ran towards what this "Hell" was gonna look like, how it was layered/designed/organized.... of course, the GM moves things along, but Joe's great about building his story around ours, and excellent design ideas are always run with. Since Le'Mule is essentially atheist but with a scholar's background knowledge of Christianity, the vision of this Hell we were traversing began to take on a Dante-ian organization. Of course someone had to pop up & go digging for their own dog earred copy of the Inferno so folks could check their memories.... but while the theories and the conversation was flying, I took a little internal dive.

Dante's Inferno? The Seventh Circle of Hell? WTF? The phrases were ringing faint little bells, but I'd be damned (ha. indeed.) if I could remember having read it. Had. Not. Read. It? WTF?!?!?! How could I be running into such a literary & cultural reference & not be able to discuss it even superficially? Now... after a little digging about in my memory banks, I did finally locate a vague recollection that yes, I had read it. In about 4th grade. (Yeah, 4th grade. Right along with Lord of the Flies, Little Women, Black Beauty, The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Septic Tank, The Nancy Drew Series, the back of cereal boxes, and Poems for the John. I devoured everything I could get my hands on back then.) Lot of good that did me, 'cause apparently I didn't retain it beyond motherhood. I can remember what happened on Friends the other night, but can't remember anything about Dante? Crap.

Then today I'm having a little chatlet with an ever so eclectic acquaintance of mine who says they met a hot little number over the weekend who had not a chance in a million at snagging the joe for the long term. Why? Because she was "smart and funny, but not REALLY smart". After last night's little philosophical kick in the ego, maybe I'm a little sensitive to the topic, but ... whoa, Nelly... that's ME! (and not all that much of a hot little number these days, either, I'll have to admit.) A quick leafing through my mental notebooks finds that an enormous percentage of things I've read, devoured, dissected through the years is mush. Theories I was entranced by and mulled over in private and with friends in High School & college are gone. I couldn't locate a good reference convincingly to save my soul, let alone win a debate. I've never liked politics, so my knowledge there is severely limited with only a vague desire to sharpen it further. I seem to have followed my mom's bent towards ignoring most current events unless they barge insistingly into my immediate life, and yet I hate not knowing about the "cool fun" things going on in our community. While Walden's Pond sounds a bit like a quiet hell with nothing to do, another part of me yearns for the simple silence -- I suspect that the older I grow, the more attractive it will become. Where did I go?

I've never been able to remember the rules to a card game -- gimme a run through first & I relearn it mighty spiffy. After that first run, we can play all night. If you're just average to good, I'll probably even beat you 40-50% of the time. But two nights later, if we sit down to play again, game rules are gone from my brain like cake left on the table with a 5 y/o in the house. It's been that way all my life.... but I never expected the black hole effect to segue from card games to literary references... to conversational topics... to what I think of as hallmarks of real intelligence!

Now, yes, I did borrow the book (Dante's Inferno) last night & have every intention of refreshing my sorry-ass memory for literature's sake. Ok, actually for the sake of my own stubborn pride...(if the field gets plowed, who cares why?) And if I just bone up a little before we debate, I know darn good & well it'll still be a zippy conversation. I might even win. The problem is, I used to be able to pull that sort of thing out of my ass. No studying needed! I used to celebrate mundanity as a soothing slice of something simple in a mental world of the wierd & complicated, and now I'm mildly concerned that it's become the whole pie. I just don't know that there's anything I'm going to do about it. That rides rough on some surviving remnant of that wild tendencied personality I've managed to drown in banality for several years now. There's a battle going on in my soul for control of my mind & both sides are starting to decide it just ain't worth the angst.

But you know what? Some of that mundanity is comforting. I like having a firm grasp of which bills are paid & what's in the fridge for supper. Back in the day, I missed out on both of those things. A lot. I can appreciate the sweet simplicity of snuggling with my daughter between bath & bedtime, and I look forward to the day I can start shopping for a couch that'll comfortably fit two adults instead of just B&I. I enjoy talking about nothing but our daily affairs with some of my friends, and appreciate the ability to have long sweet silences that aren't awkward. I like being able to walk into & out of a meeting at work without having had my boss look crosseyed at an unconventional idea of mine even once. I hate the thought that I may have slipped into the ranks of "smart & funny, but not REALLY smart"... but if I have, maybe the trade off is worth it. I dunno. I know I want the man I end up with to have a brain that can process ALL those sorts of things, dissect them, analyze them, discuss them... challenge me, titillate me mentally (physically too, but this ain't that kinda post!)... and I certainly don't want that to be a one way street. Damn. Well..... I'm gonna go do the dishes, make some PB&J, put the girls in the bathtub & get them to bed. (B's got a friend spending the night.) In the absence of something warm & male to distract me, I'm going to split what's left of my evening between channel surfing the mindless drivel on TV for a cheap laugh or two and painting a bit of wall, then I'm gonna snuggle up in bed with Dante & a box of cookies & see if my brain remembers anything from 4th grade besides who it had a crush on.

P.S. Yes, THAT it remembers. Greg Evigan and Scott Baio (TV stars), Bob Knake & Steve Detrick (friends). Geez. Stupid brain.

03/09/05 Tuesday - Mundanity is Sexy

I may be in the minority of single people in America, but I think mundanity is sexy. Yeah, sure, I like a little spice.. a little flare.. a little "wow!" every now & then just like everyone else, but once my attention has been captured, one of the things that really keeps me interested in someone is their willingness & ability to share the things in their everyday life with another human being - me. Maybe it's because I'm honestly looking for a partner. If I'm lucky, I might even pick up a friend or two along the way (and should that happen, I'll do my best to give it appropriate focus!). However, that's really my relationship focus for the time being - a single significant other with whom to share lifes foibles for a good long time to come. Even with folks that are just great to talk to, what I'm looking for are people who are going to still be around in my life when my boobs hit the floor & my teeth are on the nightstand. If someone's gonna be around that long, then we better hope that one or both of us can make strained peas sound like a good time. I mean, THINK about it! Out of all the spectacular moments in your life that you can recall, how much actual time did those moments take? I figure if I really concentrate, I've got maybe an hour or two of reel time straight through. I'm pushing 36 -- that leaves roughly 315358 hours of stuff that wasn't all that "wow". Nothing necessarily wrong with it... it just wasn't anything that inspired fireworks anywhere. Yes, I like fireworks. Yes, I even need fireworks now & then. Yes, I probably wouldn't stay interested in anyone with whom there were NO fireworks at all. No, I don't want fireworks every single time I talk to them. The glue that holds the spectacular together is made up of tiny nothings... and the people who share those tiny nothings in a pleasant way, who flesh out the lives they share with me with reality, even mundanity, are the ones I want around when the spectacular comes to call.

03/02/05 Wednesday

Ooops... lost a blog entry. I was even warned... must be an epidemic. Wasn't all that schmancy anyway. Staff today -- gone to STL. More later.... maybe....

03/01/05 Tuesday

Laryngitis. I'm ringing in the month of March with laryngitis. Today yet another meeting with XX -- for which I had to walk 3 blocks in the cold b/c their doors were locked when I arrived (had to go find a phone to tell them to let me in), then of course be responsible for at least 90% of the talking through the whole meeting. Good thing my personal phone isn't doing much ringing right about now! Although I suppose I could manage to just murmer "mmhmmm" here & there, or even whisper sweet nothings & breathe heavy if it came to that.....