When that Which you Imagined is Real

I can't hold you and I can't leave you,/ and sorting through the reasons to leave you or hold you,/ I find an intangible one to love you,/ and many tangible ones to forgo you.

As you won't change, nor let me forgo you,/ I shall give my heart a defence against you,/ so that half shall always be armed to abhor you,/ though the other half be ready to adore you. ~ Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz From "A Satirical Romance"

Oh, that's so close to the flavours of what I feel...

Arming myself against you is a more painful task than I imagined. Harder even than forgetting you, at which I've tried before and failed and tried again. And then failed yet again. And it takes so long, and so much.... I don't know that I can.

I send an infinitely fathomless wail out into the Universe: It's not fair! Stop sending me things that are so close to right that I can't see the difference. I would rather have nothing! NOTHING! than be always within a hand's breadth of a heaven that won't let me in.

I don't know how to do this again.

An Excellent Quote

... as this began, and we reached for mutual understandings...
"Please, will you touch me while I talk? Don't say anything, just touch me closely and intimately and nakedly... while I strip myself naked with words. Please?" -- Time Enough for Love, Heinlein

... as this falters, and I try to explain the connections and differences for me between people & types of relationships...
When you take away my ability to touch you, you take away my ability to heal. It is like putting a physician in a room with sick people, refusing him instruments or medicine or even bandages, and telling him to do his job. You frustrate a natural talent that longs to be free.

... as I cry, still... and again....
Seeing you now - with us as something less than - is like giving a starving man food... but not enough food to keep him alive: only enough to titillate his senses for a brief moment, and yet leave him knowing it's not enough to keep him alive. Then chide him, insisting that he should be grateful he got food at all.

One of Many

I am a little bit of each of these women who have passed through your life:

I am Angela, hot tears falling on your chest
as I contemplate the next however-long of life without you
holding the breath of my heart until I see you again
dealing inside with an eternal 'yay'
while getting all too often from you an unexpected nay
as you sporadically turn tail and run
inside... outside...
from people you claim to care for deeply
Will you throw away every rare second chance Life offers you?

I am Terri, able and willing to see you
"when I see you"
to let little pieces of life go on apart from one another
carrying my care for you with me in complete security
and yet finding
sometimes you carry that too far. That when you fail to miss me
I start to question whether I'm confident and secure
or just foolish
Finding that not sharing some important moments...
and some mundane moments... leaves me
angry... unfulfilled... missing you
more than I expected. Wanting to fix that. Trying to fix that.
Finding you not there.
Will you let me stay angry & unhappy even when I tell you how to fix it?

I am Lena, willing to change
even myself, to find some way to wrap my life around you
just to have you in it
moving oh, so carefully
so that the shards of hope you left within me
don't grind their sharp edges
too deeply into that wound in my soul
that I call you.
That pain isn't romantic. It's pain. 'Soft steerage' isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I am Carol, confident in self
knowing moments of magic and truth when they appear
knowing what potential feels like
thrilling to its glorious possibility
and yet,
knowing that potential between people
must be grabbed by both people
grasped tightly and ridden for all its worth
or it will never stay alive
I challenge you to grab me tight & never let me leave
Or will you simply watch me walk away again?

I am, I imagine, a little bit of many other women
Who have passed through your life
Loving you on the way
Women who stroked a little bit of your soul
Turned your head for a moment
Perhaps you have mentioned them, & I have forgotten their names
Perhaps even you have forgotten their names
Although I doubt it
I think there is a list long and ponderous
like a death knell
that you hear tolling deep inside every time you contemplate "love"

Greater than the sum of all those smart, beautiful women
I am also more
I am the Universe,
Reaching out to you with second chances
With gentle recriminations, but also with explanations
Meeting you more than halfway
Trying again and again to rephrase, reformulate, reconfigure
what needs to be said, done, felt
hoping that the lessons you kid yourself you've learned
seep through and become learned in spite of yourself
They are important lessons
They must be learned
the Universe will continue to send them, and get less kind
as repetition continues
I think I am still one of the kind attempts of that Great Beyond.
Is it that you like the pain that ignoring the Universe brings you?

and Lesser than the sum of all those smart, beautiful women
I am me
Simply myself.. attractive only in my own way
smart only in my own fashion
unique only in that I am a slightly different combination
of so many things you look for in every woman you meet
yet I am self aware
and I have arms that have held you in the depths of night
and yearn to do so again
eyes that have watched you sleeping as dawn greys through window shades
lips that have touched your skin in passion and in the soft surcease of healing
I have received you into myself:
body, life, soul...
a bold and inventive visitor you are!
and though I settle a place for you in each of those
a place all yours, decked out as best I can in ways you like
still you remain a visitor
you hold yourself apart from home
ready at a moment's notice to flee

I am torn. Deeply in division inside myself
over you
Part of me argues hotly that I need to stand firm
a strong balwart against the tides of your own insecurities
Leave open always a welcoming haven within myself
Ready to take you in when you are weary
Offer surcease from all doubt
giving Love in all its many forms
While another part of me keens in anguish
Crying out that it cannot continue to
be ignored.. abandoned... disrespected
as you indulge in selfish squanderings of people
when you deliberately choose things that can wait
over people in pain

I've never asked for all of you
not all your time, nor all your heart
at least... not the way this world seems to think two people ought
I think 'this world' is wrong!
You need people and experiences and things
to fill the gaping crevases that open in your wanting
numerous and varied as the wrinkles in an old man's face
Things no one person could ever provide by themselves
and yet...
I do ask for all of you
all your time.. all your heart
but in a way 1/2 a step outside 'this world'.
I believe if you commit yourself to loving someone(s)
you will find space opens up
your life makes room.. your heart expands...
like partitioning the hard drive on a computer
there really isn't any more space than there was before
but it seems as though there is
and that's all that's really important --
perception is everything
the things you place there can remain safe
from experiments you may run on the other partition
everything runs more smoothly

I offer up a challenge
Not knowing if it's the last challenge I will ever offer you
Love me!
Love all of us!
In realtime.
Just don't bail on one when you're loving another.
Take one loong slooow deep breath...
and commit yourself to accepting all we each have to offer
half your energy is spent in rejecting offers that would free you for other things!
Grab on tightly and don't let go
When things look a little rough
I know you bail in order to find comfortable haven..
But TRY once or twice
to work through the rough parts, not avoid them
Brainstorm, offer solutions of your own, make this an active dialogue
Work through this with me, sit down & hash it out
Be open to solutions you may not have thought were possible
Til we have defined what we are & what we can be
In such a way that both of us are satisfied
If we can do that together
that comfortable haven you so crave
is just on the other side
Waiting for you.

--03/2006

Van Morrison in the Dark

A recent interesting little Q&A session... & here's one of the answers:

What do I like to wear when listening to VM in the dark with a man? Hmm... I don't believe I have ever listened to VM in the dark with a man. Sad state of affairs, isn't it? (No pun intended ;-) ) Something about that music makes the rest of the world go away, so I'm guessing that clothes would be a superflous detail anyway -- VM sends me into my head... into my soul... into space.. into the ether.. somewhere other than this world. However, had I to hazzard a guess, I suspect that what I'd like most to wear, if I were in the situation to listen to VM in the dark with a man.... provided it was (of course), the right sort of man.... would be him.

Mmmm... ththrhrhrhththrhrhrhththhtr :)

Email Funny for the Day 03.23.06

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Ha!

Giving & Receiving

I do not squander my resources.
I pour them out upon you
in a joyous libation
of unfettered caring.
Have you matured enough
to accept them in the spirit they are given?

--2004,2005,present & continuing

Cooramoor / Sunset Sailings

What began as a simple morning....
waving nonchalantly goodbye
on the morning tide
Shoreline slipping away in the distance
as it does every morning
New horizons beckoning before
New people, new experiences
New Life!
All reaching out with tempting fingers
A heady come hither
Joyful glee balanced by sure comfort
Knowing where Home lies behind
That on the evening tides
The inevitable tug & pull of nature's rhythms
Will take me back once more
To the arms I left that morning
To the smile, the laugh
The sure comfort of another Someday

I felt a strange tide tickle my hull
Not watching closely enough
It pulled me silently away, lethal tide
I called for help at once, and smiling,
Home simply waved... "Go forth and conquer!"
Crash of tide on rocky shore drowned out
My cries for help, instructions flew unnoticed in the wind
Did they think I simply waved back another time
I do not know, they did not answer
When the evening tides turned to send me Home
Home was not there
I do not find familiar shores
Nor warm welcome at their feet
I feel Home calling me still
Beacon in a psychic distance
I see it, flashing in my dark mind's eye
Lighthouse flash that burns
I cannot shut it off
But on this strange shore, I cannot reach it

Oh, that Home could man a ship to
Come and gather me in!
My tiny voice cries helplessly over wind & waves
I send goodbyes in a bottle
With all my hopes tucked inside
With all I have of where the tides are taking me
Hoping each dawn to see rescue on the horizon
Or that the tides will simply turn again
the bow of this cooramoor
will slide once again safely Home
New adventures gathered in
history not repeated.
Thousands of sailors lost on this endless ocean
I did not think it to be me
We have too many things left undiscovered, Home & I
Too much unfinished
Yet hours slip into days, days into weeks
and Time itself becomes a bitter draught

And so I drift.. lost and alone
I may be only feet from shore
and cannot see it
safe landing on a simple shore right there
yet perception is everything
an inch may be a thousand thousand miles
if you know not how to span the gap
and I am blinded
I ache for familiar comfort
for Home to wrap itself around me, share its peace
Oh, Home, awake and call me in!

Psychic Promises

Would you like to know
What the psychic told me?
What secrets of the present, of the future she revealed?

She said many things about many things
But you don't need those, do you?
You simply wonder... what of you?
Indeed. Well then, you asked.

She swore you would not hurt me
Either of us - me or my daughter
She said my daughter in her young innocence
Has searched for someone to love me
That she is a good judge, and has found that someone in you
That she adores you beyond measure for good reason
That her trust is well placed and will not be forsaken
She called you by name
And described you to me that there was no doubt she was mistaken
She swore you care for us... and for Us
That we would face the future together
She said you drag your past behind you
on chains and yet
That you have eschewed it once
and that you would not succumb to it again
That you have vowed not to let your past rule your future
and that you would find the strength within you to keep that vow
That you work hard to keep body, mind, and soul
Strong and clean
And that we together would benefit from that work
She told me to trust you, to trust In you
To lay aside fear
To lay myself open to you, that you would be there for me
When I asked you for help
She said that the Universe put us together for a reason
That it does not make mistakes
That we are not a mistake
That I am done with searching, looking, hunting, waiting
That we are in a time of quiet
But that soon... very very soon...
(MY kind of soon, not Yours!)
I will begin of the rest of my life
With us together facing forward
That you will be both my inspiration and my reward
That we are good for one another
and that we belong together
She said all of these things without prompting or assistance from me
Without me even saying you existed... or didn't

I wasn't looking for all that when I went in
Guidance, perhaps - gems of ideas
Upon which to muse, to help me decide whether to go or stay
Speak or remain silent, smile or cry
Or simply stand in place for a time, watching you
wash over & through me til you moved on
Not all that. I didn't expect all that.

She opened her eyes, and asked me over thrice, surprized
Why was I crying?
This is not bad news - there is nothing here but good
Why was I crying?
She sees nothing but a happy future for us, and that together
Why was I crying?
This man cares deeply for you, will take care of you

I cry on. Helplessly
Til the sobs wracked my body
All silent, not a sound came from my throat
Tears like acid down my face
I can toy with Horroscopes
and wish for Love
But I bank on reality,
You aren't giving me enough reality
for me to believe her
Only enough to make it hurt.

Oh, To be Wrong

You're going to let me go... again.
Aren't you?
You bastard!
History repeats itself
You swore you should not would not could not
Let it happen again
And yet
I cry for help, you close your ears
I ask plainly for comfort, for reassurance, for help
in ironing out these wrinkles between us
I ask for your touch, your words
and you speak lies of caring
Were you truly the friend you said you were
you would not run
and worse than run
Regardless of all the other things that fall between us
I asked only that we work them together
That we turn them over until we find common ground
Coward. Shameless in your soft-boned mewling
I thought you said you did not want to be selfish?
You asked me to be plain, to ask for what I want and need
and when I do
when I take bigger chances than I take for anyone
A great leap of faith and trust and self to ask
You give me exactly the opposite
You move away from me inside
Place time & space between us to match that distance
Then surpass it
Words of "what is important" from you are drowned
by actions of neglect
And you cover them all with light nothings
Like a cat scrapes nothing over something
When they've graced the bare floor
With their excrement

Time Enough

I think it's inevitable that we all end up with at least something of our parents in us. For some of us perhaps that's better than others. Others of us - present company included - just plain got damn lucky.

My mom worries. This impresses upon me repeatedly as I get older... as I mature... primarily because as I was growing, I never saw it. Only a few times - important times - do I remember her evincing in my presence anything other than a love for life & everything around her. Anything other than treating minor practical inconveniences as just that. Anything other than enjoyment of all the things in the world that make it better for her. Of all the pressures & worries I now begin to understand what a parent faces, I look back & can see that she kept them locked inside, perhaps sharing them with close friends, but free from me. So those times it did leak out impressed me as being important events, important subjects... something to pay attention to.

Now that she's older.. and I'm older, it's easier for me to see those fears she locks inside. Perhaps she's not as good at hiding them. Perhaps she no longer feels the need to hide them. Perhaps she has matured to a place where it's becoming ok to share them with someone else when it was more important to be strong before. Perhaps I'm more observant. Perhaps I'm learning what those fears feel like myself and so finally understand what it is I'm seeing.

We share some very basic fears, my mother and I: growing old with no one there to love us in the end... (or in the middle, for that matter)... having people we love live their lives with no one there to love them.... no longer being able to fend for oneself & having to depend on people who do not care for you. I can't think of anything more basic & pervasive than those.

Mom had surgery yesterday. It was outpatient surgery, not a large statistical risk... but while we may write off such things as commonplace, still for the person who has to face it, such a thing can be daunting. Add to that the knowledge whispering in the back of the mind of a generation which began in days when "outpatient" surgery was limited to far less invasive surgeries than we tolerate today, and still not always successful. She told me a bit ago, in an offhand fashion, that this was coming. She was breezy & matter of fact, kept it short. I understand my job: I am the daughter who Can Handle It. I am the Gatherer of Facts. The Maker of Decisions. The Cool Head. I am the daughter who can grasp the intricacies between risk, reality, imagination, and fears both practical and solely emotional, offer comfort, encouragement, suport & practical advice where it's wanted & butt out where it's not. I am the one who Does Not Freak Out. I understand my job. So I coolly & in my unworried voice simply gathered information, offered my self if I could be of service anywhere, said I love you & then proceeded to come home & worry all on my own. Quietly to myself, without bothering the people I love. Just like my mother.

I got scolded last night for not having shared with someone(s) close to me that this was looming in my week. I had to explain two bits: First, if I'm having communicating / emotional troubles with someone I love, I tend to shut down all over in that respect. Ball up inside, lick wounds, wait for resolution. I hadn't intended to shut them out, I just have some issues elsewhere with someone else I care about right now that haven't resolved themselves yet & so the talking/sharing with others thing is sort of on hold. 's not personal... it's self-preservation. Dog licking wounds. Second, this Mom thing ties in all over the place: my Mom is part of the foundation of who I am. I feel her fears, they resonate through me & ping off of my own deeply rooted fears of loss & abandonment relating to death & dying, then amplifying & tying into those same fears of loss & abandonment in other areas. I can't imagine that all that bouncing around inside me has helped either situation much this week, but when I tried to step out of my internal cage & actually ask for help & reassurance from the source that could actually help I've gotten only distance.

Cryptic (apparently)... and off topic a bit. Sorry. Anyway, yesterday morning as I logged in to my computer to begin my day, I had a short email waiting for me from my mom. Breezy & quick, offhandedly mentioning that 'today was the day', and 'just wanted to tell you I love you.'

THAT is my mom. All those emotions bouncing around inside her, fears I know are there of never coming back. Thousands of thoughts about things she never did, might never do, might never do again, things she's never said & might not get a chance to say. Fear that tomorrow might not come. Arguing with herself all the while about being silly & don't worry anyone else. She distills it all down to the bare essence, the most important bit... one more friendly happy good morning, one more "I just wanted to tell you I love you." I hear it all in that little sentence - all the fear, all the planning, all the knowing, all the love, all the suck it up & face life strong. One last.. or one more: either way, I can't think of a better thought to start (and end!) the day with someone you care about. Just in case. I can't think of a better example of how to live. Or a better mom to learn it from.

So all you out there that I love... you know I love you. None of you are stupid! But just in case I haven't said it loudly enough, or often enough, or in words or actions that you understand... just in case we're mad at each other, or confused, or frightened, or disgusted... just in case I've been too busy to pay attention when I should have, or in case you've been too preoccupied with the rest of your world to hear me: Hello. Whether tomorrow comes or doesn't, I just wanted to tell you I love you. There really isn't anything more important than that. Everything else is just gravy.