When that Which you Imagined is Real

I can't hold you and I can't leave you,/ and sorting through the reasons to leave you or hold you,/ I find an intangible one to love you,/ and many tangible ones to forgo you.

As you won't change, nor let me forgo you,/ I shall give my heart a defence against you,/ so that half shall always be armed to abhor you,/ though the other half be ready to adore you. ~ Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz From "A Satirical Romance"

Oh, that's so close to the flavours of what I feel...

Arming myself against you is a more painful task than I imagined. Harder even than forgetting you, at which I've tried before and failed and tried again. And then failed yet again. And it takes so long, and so much.... I don't know that I can.

I send an infinitely fathomless wail out into the Universe: It's not fair! Stop sending me things that are so close to right that I can't see the difference. I would rather have nothing! NOTHING! than be always within a hand's breadth of a heaven that won't let me in.

I don't know how to do this again.