One of Many

I am a little bit of each of these women who have passed through your life:

I am Angela, hot tears falling on your chest
as I contemplate the next however-long of life without you
holding the breath of my heart until I see you again
dealing inside with an eternal 'yay'
while getting all too often from you an unexpected nay
as you sporadically turn tail and run
inside... outside...
from people you claim to care for deeply
Will you throw away every rare second chance Life offers you?

I am Terri, able and willing to see you
"when I see you"
to let little pieces of life go on apart from one another
carrying my care for you with me in complete security
and yet finding
sometimes you carry that too far. That when you fail to miss me
I start to question whether I'm confident and secure
or just foolish
Finding that not sharing some important moments...
and some mundane moments... leaves me
angry... unfulfilled... missing you
more than I expected. Wanting to fix that. Trying to fix that.
Finding you not there.
Will you let me stay angry & unhappy even when I tell you how to fix it?

I am Lena, willing to change
even myself, to find some way to wrap my life around you
just to have you in it
moving oh, so carefully
so that the shards of hope you left within me
don't grind their sharp edges
too deeply into that wound in my soul
that I call you.
That pain isn't romantic. It's pain. 'Soft steerage' isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I am Carol, confident in self
knowing moments of magic and truth when they appear
knowing what potential feels like
thrilling to its glorious possibility
and yet,
knowing that potential between people
must be grabbed by both people
grasped tightly and ridden for all its worth
or it will never stay alive
I challenge you to grab me tight & never let me leave
Or will you simply watch me walk away again?

I am, I imagine, a little bit of many other women
Who have passed through your life
Loving you on the way
Women who stroked a little bit of your soul
Turned your head for a moment
Perhaps you have mentioned them, & I have forgotten their names
Perhaps even you have forgotten their names
Although I doubt it
I think there is a list long and ponderous
like a death knell
that you hear tolling deep inside every time you contemplate "love"

Greater than the sum of all those smart, beautiful women
I am also more
I am the Universe,
Reaching out to you with second chances
With gentle recriminations, but also with explanations
Meeting you more than halfway
Trying again and again to rephrase, reformulate, reconfigure
what needs to be said, done, felt
hoping that the lessons you kid yourself you've learned
seep through and become learned in spite of yourself
They are important lessons
They must be learned
the Universe will continue to send them, and get less kind
as repetition continues
I think I am still one of the kind attempts of that Great Beyond.
Is it that you like the pain that ignoring the Universe brings you?

and Lesser than the sum of all those smart, beautiful women
I am me
Simply myself.. attractive only in my own way
smart only in my own fashion
unique only in that I am a slightly different combination
of so many things you look for in every woman you meet
yet I am self aware
and I have arms that have held you in the depths of night
and yearn to do so again
eyes that have watched you sleeping as dawn greys through window shades
lips that have touched your skin in passion and in the soft surcease of healing
I have received you into myself:
body, life, soul...
a bold and inventive visitor you are!
and though I settle a place for you in each of those
a place all yours, decked out as best I can in ways you like
still you remain a visitor
you hold yourself apart from home
ready at a moment's notice to flee

I am torn. Deeply in division inside myself
over you
Part of me argues hotly that I need to stand firm
a strong balwart against the tides of your own insecurities
Leave open always a welcoming haven within myself
Ready to take you in when you are weary
Offer surcease from all doubt
giving Love in all its many forms
While another part of me keens in anguish
Crying out that it cannot continue to
be ignored.. abandoned... disrespected
as you indulge in selfish squanderings of people
when you deliberately choose things that can wait
over people in pain

I've never asked for all of you
not all your time, nor all your heart
at least... not the way this world seems to think two people ought
I think 'this world' is wrong!
You need people and experiences and things
to fill the gaping crevases that open in your wanting
numerous and varied as the wrinkles in an old man's face
Things no one person could ever provide by themselves
and yet...
I do ask for all of you
all your time.. all your heart
but in a way 1/2 a step outside 'this world'.
I believe if you commit yourself to loving someone(s)
you will find space opens up
your life makes room.. your heart expands...
like partitioning the hard drive on a computer
there really isn't any more space than there was before
but it seems as though there is
and that's all that's really important --
perception is everything
the things you place there can remain safe
from experiments you may run on the other partition
everything runs more smoothly

I offer up a challenge
Not knowing if it's the last challenge I will ever offer you
Love me!
Love all of us!
In realtime.
Just don't bail on one when you're loving another.
Take one loong slooow deep breath...
and commit yourself to accepting all we each have to offer
half your energy is spent in rejecting offers that would free you for other things!
Grab on tightly and don't let go
When things look a little rough
I know you bail in order to find comfortable haven..
But TRY once or twice
to work through the rough parts, not avoid them
Brainstorm, offer solutions of your own, make this an active dialogue
Work through this with me, sit down & hash it out
Be open to solutions you may not have thought were possible
Til we have defined what we are & what we can be
In such a way that both of us are satisfied
If we can do that together
that comfortable haven you so crave
is just on the other side
Waiting for you.

--03/2006