Friday, July 29, 2005

07/28/05 - Love on a Thursday Noonish

Contact!
firm, sure
reassuring
Enfolds me
shields me
warms me
Drawing me close
protection
salvation
comforting
reaffirming
exciting
Embraceable you

Friday, July 22, 2005

07/22/05 - Friday

You know... anyone who scoffs at the idea of an intangible connection between yourself and someone you care about is deaf, dumb & blind to themselves. I think we get so tangled up in tangible proof... finding things that explain what you know... scathing looks, comments, a lack of something, a too much of something else. Sometimes "proof" just gets in the way of knowing things. I don't always listen to that silent voice inside, but I should. And I think I do listen more often than many. Something is wrong. No, not quite "wrong"... but Something is not-right. Not in a big, bold, "DANGER!" sort of way, but in a closed door with no door knob on my side of it sort of way. And I know that the person on the other side knows I'm on the other side of it. Something is not-right in a blocking access, close down the connection sort of way. I'm not omniscient (don't tell my daughter!), and I don't know why or how or for how long or what made it/makes it happen or what's going on or whether it's a conscious or unconscious thing or defensive or offensive or automatic or controlled or anything else about it except that it's there. It's like putting a perfectly clear glass box in a stream of water -- you can't see it, but you can feel it. If you know where to look, you can see that the water flows around it now... the currents change as a result of it being there. That same sense tells me there is no action I can take that will alter this in any way I'd like. I much prefer it when those senses point me towards something I can DO... but there it is. Not ready to leave yet... so I think I'll just hunker down & wait a bit. Close my eyes & watch what happens. Could be interesting! And, at least in theory, I've got allll the time in the world.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

07/20/05 - Wednesday 1

Just a couple of days ago I got what is quite possibly one of the nicest compliments of my life. The phone rang, I picked it up, said something equivilating "Hello", ('cause I almost never just say "hello", much prefering something more unsettling like "Dammit, I TOLD you I didn't do it!"... I stand backwards on elevators & talk to strangers, too.) Since the person calling me is one of those who isn't phazed in the least by such uncouth phone manners, my not-a-hello was returned with a "are you just about the coolest person I've ever known, or what?"

Now while that's really not a bad greeting with which to begin a conversation, I laughed & was ready to blow it off as just a simple rejoinder. But during the course of our conversation, it expanded... blossomed... and has continued to do so the more I think about it. I was told.. in all seriousness.. that while on first meeting me a person may conceivably decide I'm "cool" or "ok" or even "eh" or "notsamuch". But the longer someone knows me, the neater I get. The more someone knows me, the more interesting little nooks & crannies you (apparently) find in the way I think.. the things I do (or would like to do.. or would be willing to do.. or at least hear about). The more time and effort someone spends knowing me in my entirety, the better the package becomes. The more time and effort you spend, the more it glows, beckons, becomes something you want more of and want to ensure it sticks around in YOUR life for a long, long time.

No... they weren't drunk.

Now this person is themselves what I think of as mighty interesting. Made some interesting decisions in their life, has a lot of flavor in their soul, smart, loving, funny, interesting, cool to hang with, cool to cry with, a GREAT friend - definitely one of the few in my "these are the people that I know will be there to hold me together, pick up the pieces, put me back together when my world shatters in a major way" category. Really major. Like when my parents die, or if I found out I had cancer or leukemia or if something happened to my child. That kind of major. It's one thing to be told nice things about yourself from a schmooze, but this person would also tell me what a stupid ass I was if it was truth.

No... they weren't trying to get laid.

That just kicks ass, doesn't it? Not only that, but I've known this person for ... cripes... 30 years? And not all of them were good ones, either -- we had a few rough times to add some spice to our history, too. But in 30 years you'd think you'd start getting "same ol' cracker" on someone, wouldn't you? So how much better does that make hearing this?

No... they weren't asking for money either. Geesh.
Of course, they might just be freakin' nuts.

07/20/05 -- Wednesday 2

Oh.. yeah, in case you're wondering? Yes, they'll read my earlier post. The person I referenced is one of the *(*%&$&*&*** folks who has kindly contributed to my ever so humble 1200+ counter hits but then DOESN'T LEAVE ANY FREAKIN' COMMENTS!!!!!!

Voyeurs, every one of you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

07/18/05 - Somezen to Think About

In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao, everyday something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering.
And.......
True perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty, yet it is fully present.
True strength seems crooked. True wisdom seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.

(unknown original source - thanks, Lu)

07/19/05 - Tuesday

Holy Smoke, Batman, but this (note to self to find notes on how to imbed Lu's link) http://threekidcircus.com/skiptomylu/archives/2005/07/uncle_uncle_1.html#comments > is such a great read! Such a kalaidascope of emotion, a roller coaster of passion... There but for the grace of God... grace? Aye, grace - things do happen for a reason.

By-the-by, J... you fibbed. (For all the right reasons! Like: "a complete failure to recognize & recall insignificant bits of reality in my leap into soul-filled passion." Excellent reason. I approve whole-heartedly!) But I do have to call you on it: at least one gal DID grasp the linkage - in function as well as significance.

Checkpoint: So what DO I have? Today? Today, a bit of a need to refocus. It's so easy for me to (at least on some levels) dive into an early passion with a few certain people that cross my life threads, throw caution to the winds, jump both feet first... Today, I am envying just a bit Jim&Lu's shared abandon, as I'm caught up with those whose predilection lies towards sloooow... well thought out... thoroughly examined life choices. I do appreciate the benefits in both ways of approaching choices! The payoffs for both are phenomenal when the ultimate answer ends up being "Yes!" The drawbacks for both stab differently but no less deep when it ends up being "No." It's the irrepressible kid in me (who survives despite my frequent, often laughing attempts to shove her back into her room) that wants to just go. Jump, dive, run, fly - take the chance and make whatever are the consequences work into the rest of your life.

Here is my challenge today - every day - every day that I choose to go one more day approaching & defining love with this person... to find ways to give that irrepressible kid in me enough "go juice" to keep her alive & healthy. To keep her off a neurotic, self-centered, impatient cliff of want/need/demand... not normally all that difficult, but then "normal" hasn't historically included this particular level of flaring passion for me. To do those things while consciously and deeply appreciating all the nuances in a measured loving... growing... OOOH! Tantric relationship building! (Don't think that little "Tantric" thought didn't just send me off on half a dozen incredibly hot tangents of fantasy! There are some people in the world with whom Tantric sex would be EVERYTHING it's cracked up to be. Yeah, you. Pardon me while I swoon.)

It's just... dammit... "When you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start RIGHT NOW!" And I do. Oh, quit freaking out. I don't really truly know in what capacity at this point - the kid thinks she does, but my experience has been that sometimes she changes her mind once the fat is in the fire. And of course it takes two. Silly notion that a person can just hare off & manage that all by their lonesome! But I do want this person in my life when I'm old & grey, regardless of how they're there. Besides... in a Tantric sense, that's exactly what is already happening - the rest of our lives has already begun. I KNOW it's the journey, not the destination! I know that, I know that, I know that. I KNOW that. I know THAT. I know! Destinations are only transitory, anyway - definitely things we need now & then: goals, markers, places to rest for a bit. It would just suck if we get another 15 or 20 miles down this path & decide the next destination will be more... platonic. But OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD if it's not.

Hmm... perhaps here's what drives me up the wall: Holding two wholely disparate possibilities up, trying to move simultaneously towards both of them with every step, trying to make each step take us the same distance in both directions at the same time. Sure.. the paths converge much of the way! But there are branchings - little nooks & crannies - delicious side trips of emotion & experience that must needs be completely ignored your way....

I know... I think too much about too many things in too many ways & I'm too willing to explore them & too willing to share my explorations & it makes you uncomfortable & freaks you out because you start thinking/feeling like I'm pushing you & while I am (because sometimes.. just sometimes.. you could stand a little push), at the same time I'm not I'm just sharing 'cause I have to & want to & holding out who I am & what I think & hoping you like what's there & that you naturally sync with at least some of it & I wanna find out where the sync isn't & see if we can make more... I thought you came to terms with things like that about me?! Ooh.. lookey...

Damn Geminis.

I'm babbling - this is not a coherent creation. More stream of consciousness in a silty mind. But I'm gonna leave it this way, I think.

As I reread a bit, I realize I sound like I'm screaming "Go!"... and in some ways I am... (he swore to me that he's "come to terms with ___ about me" - geez, but I want the intimate details on that little thought phrase!) but contrary to what it reads like, this is actually my way of setting my mind on "backpedal" instead. Get it OUT of my head so that more serene sensations can resume in there! I'm not off-centered, not out of balance this time... but it is a conscious thing to stay balanced & centered with him for me. Not in a bad way, per se... but in a "he makes me want to strip away all the not-the-best parts of me in one swell foop, toss them to the wind, and fly lightened, sparkling, clean & free" sort of way. That's good, right? Except for the "one swell foop" part.

I gotta go.. duty calls. Guess that's enough of a brain dump to let me get on with my day & concentrate on things that are more immediately vital today. Thanks for listening....