... for instance, last night I had this incredible flight of fantasy as I dozed off unwillingly on the couch -- it involved the back door, (which my mind reminded me I had forgotten to lock after I finished carrying in a bunch of files), the soft blanket which I had pulled partially over myself as my body temperature dropped into a doze, the soft satin slip of a nightgown I'd donned after my bath, and an acquaintance of mine who (at least in those few moments of time my mind created) had a man's hands w/ blunt, workworn fingertips, warm lips, unbelievable sense of humor and - Hallelujah! - a functioning brain to go with it, a voice layered with nuance, a rich laugh that warms parts of me I don't need to go into, a heart beating desperately in its effort to be heard, a soul which harbours hopes which he stifles even as they struggle to be born... and Hutzpah. Lots of hutzpah.
It was an exceptional story. It was. I had some struggles -- some of the descriptive nuances were so layered with contradictions that trying to capture them all ... explain them all... left even me confused. And that's finally what tipped the balance -- that and a warning to myself that clarifying a sleep-drenched fantasy onto paper in this case might just be a futile gesture laced with frustration. I know unrealized potential when I see it... but eventually, even I have to conclude that potential which remains unrealized remains so for a reason. Or reasons. Or simply through choice.
Do you want a person? or a set of circumstances? Ah, well.... perhaps, like me, you want them both. As I told another acquaintance of mine in intimate confidence .... "I'm greedy -- I want it all". And I'm confident enough to wait for it to come along & drop into my lap -- the "all", that is. But damn, that was a fine bit of fantasy... what a shame it's slithered away into the ether! 'Cause I sure didn't bestir myself enough to get up & really write it down... and even hutzpah didn't bring the living through my door.
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