Tuesday, December 31, 2002

Listen 08/2007

The problem is, at least, twofold
First - you have created lives & relationships where you are not one, but two-in-one. You develop them, nurture them with all understanding that you are inseparable. That what one thinks, what one does, the other echoes. There can be no separating. Like conjoined twins, you may have a foot that is "yours", a hand that is "theirs", but in the end, all is one. So when this heart shuns or breaks, who can say which "me" is really the cause?

Second - you have shown me how you love, how you heal. You have shown me how you - each of you separately and together - act when you truly care. You surround people. Quite literally, you surround them, engulf them, immerse them in yourselves. You place yourself in their lives, and draw them into yours. You become a part of every decision, every activity. You get so close to them that skin becomes an impediment and bathe them in breath, warmth, life, love. You put yourselves physically into their presence so that the things in your heart shine into them like sun on a hot summer beach, so that it soaks into them, willing in the moment or no. And while one half shines, beats, throbs, sends their heart and soul out shining warmth, acceptance, love, the other whispers words to unlock the ears & the heart so that it can begin to believe the messages that are being sent on silent channels.

You know. You know what things the dark whispers. Dark corners of the room... dark corners of the heart. You know what sibilant doubts, nasty thoughts, evil soul-sucking knowings come out when the light goes out of your life & you're all alone. You know. When you came, you said to me in your silence, "I know these things. I have heard them." And you shared light & warmth with me, and I heard your soul say, "I see you. What those whispers say are not true. You must not listen. I see you. I know you. I don't speak well or often, but I love you. I will lay beside you and I will hold you so that your heart can hear what my body will say for me. Look into my eyes while we are close so that our souls can merge and raise and bask together in joy and celebration. Lower your sheilds, throw away your defenses so that we can hear one another. Listen to what my heart says and we will melt the darkness away. Listen to the things I send you through our very skin where it touches, to the things I spill into the air around us while we hold you. Listen. Trust me. I will hold you, I will not drop you. I will not leave. We will drown the whispers from the dark in waves of pleasure, in pure peace and bliss and stubborn acceptance and even in everyday nothings that are everything. We will hold you close in our life, close to our body, close to our heart. All is One. Always. Listen to me. You are good. You are worthy. You are ours. I love you and I will not let you go. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me."

And I, having only one self to send all messages, heard the You. And I listened. And I believed. And I held you and cherished you in your entirety, regardless of which body was speaking or which way it spoke. When I had trouble hearing it, I tried to say so, trusting come hard but given, believed that missing pieces were not missing, only misplaced. Only a matter of time & effort to find, to find the right spot to nestle them into, and that it didn't matter how long that took as long as we just kept trying. And I sent back in every way that I could find to send all those things you said to me and more so that sorrow shared could be broken into many tiny pieces until it became insignifcant, and joy shared could become joy tripled, joy rippled, joy sent outwards into those around us and into the world itself.

Now... now the darkness laughs at me, and it's worse than any begging doubt they ever tried to send me before I met you, for now they have teeth, and truth, and substance with which to flail me. When I close my eyes, bodiless things come out & surround my feeble bastion of pillows, filling the cold emptiness next to me with mocking. Worse, sometimes they come warm & solid, & in those seconds between sleep & knowing, I think for the briefest of breaths that all will get better - that you are finally there, that knowing how, you have come. You have come while I slept & are surrounding me once again, strong enough to shush me, hold me, refuse to let me go or speak or think until I can hear you in the silence again. Then they whisk away, sucking warmth into their soulless empty whispers, leaving me cursing & weeping for the dawn. When daylight comes & their ugly twisted visages are shielded from open eyes, still they whisper mocking laughter from those dark corners of the heart. "See? We were right all along. Who is with you now? Where is your shining shield, your precious joy now? Where is that warmth and love you so cherished? Vanished. They looked at you and when they really got to know you, they discovered they were.... mistaken. You are not good - you are broken. You are not worthy - you are worthless. And most importantly, you are not theirs. You are ours. They do not want you, they found you lacking, they do not want you, and they have left you to us. They do not want you. They want only a little piece of you. There is noone and nothing that wants all of you. Ever. Listen to us. There will be no other voices but ours again. You are ours. Listen to us. Listen to us. Listen to us."

And I hear them. This is the danger of bringing someone in close - I know what "really" feels like now, and a half-hearted substitute yields no joy. I hear them. The single voice I sometimes hear speak out against them is thin and far away, and comes but rarely now. I almost cannot hear it at all, and being only words it is oh, so quickly washed away, drowned in the fathoms. Even when I am with you, I see you, hear you from far away, surrounded on all sides by buffers of whispering, walls of grey mist. I have to work to hear you speak, work to respond, work to keep them from spilling out of me into you. That is the hardest - I must, at all costs, keep them away from you. I may be worthless & disposable, but I cannot let them spill into you. I cannot let them near you, cannot let them have you too. I must keep you safe. They laugh at how far away you are, how your heart turns to look the other way, stays in its own beating space. The darkness laughs at me, there is no hope left to me to hold them at bay, and memory is but a wisp. Listen. You know what they say - you have heard them. And you have left me to them. You know. I asked you to help me, & instead you have left me. You have left me to them. Knowing.


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