Conflicts 08 10 2006

"How are you?" she asks
and I can't answer. Because that answer
has so many facets I can't begin to hit them all in a few moments
and even when I try, I know I miss the good things
They become eclipsed by the not-so-good things,
even if there are more good than bad.

But I found myself thinking about how to answer
(because I knew she would not let it go)
and I wrote.
and she asked again
and again
and today, I wrote some more, added to what was there
altered only a little
and here is what I have:

Just for today (I wrote some time ago)
I am overwhelmed.
I feel beat upon by the emotional tides
that have been tossing me
... us.
All of us.

Sometimes it takes me by surprize -
swimming strongly, perfectly comfortable in these waters
Then one wave, one single wave
coming out of nowhere from the side, blind side,
Swamps me, washes over me
Gasping for air, I take in water
& suddenly
I am no longer swimming
but floundering
Then every wave, no matter how small
or even how expected
Becomes a very dangerous thing.

Danger comes at me from every direction:

I am in a new team
with many unknown elements & people
& they are far away
I am - sort of - part of an old team
where my role is changing
but not yet defined
Here left out on accident, there on purpose.
Many meetings & issues where I don't quite know where to stand
My sense of "belonging" & sense of who I am & what I offer
is in flux. Is not stable.

I finally have a feeling that I am doing what I do BEST..
yet not certain this is what I SHOULD be doing
on ALL I should be doing
to do this job.
That I must be missing some vital piece of this puzzle
& it will hurt me... sooner or later.

I am surrounded by family - family who has chosen one another
yet I am alone in Love.
Possibility itself has turned into something hard to think about.
I am shown affection,
but do not feel confident that it is something I can count on..
lean on.
What I think is.. what if it is only my own illusions? Again?
These affections melt away, change, disappear,
become something second best
tarnished, not enough, not good enough...
depending on who or what is near or happening

We have had no still, quiet, happy time together
--- without undercurrents ---
since four of us shared a morning.
And I don't see how we can have that again
Anytime soon.
This sea is too unruly, and the rocky shores far too close
for anyone's comfort.

I always want.
It has been so long since I had anyone long enough
To enable trust that they would still be there -
tomorrow, next week, next year.
I only vaguely remember a time
when I did not want.. need... desire...
in eventual, if not immediate, futility
The sort of surety I offer
Doesn't seem to be attractive to people to whom I'm attracted
They just want to play, chase, conquer
& let tomorrow bring whatever new toy it may

I feel stuck in a pattern I cannot escape
I meet men over and over again
who introduce desire between us
acknowledge it
begin to explore it...
& then take it away.
Disappear just as I begin to get used to
the possibilites opening before us.
And their disappearance has nothing to do with risk.
Except risks of the heart.
So it's not material decisions... therefore it must be me,
the core me: who I am, not what I have.
There must be something about who I am that is subpar
That they don't see until later.
Or else it's them... in which case I just have bad taste.

I have an overwhelming need
To take care of my friends. My family.
This balances itself precariously against me taking care of me.
How can I do both of those things
When they come into direct conflict with one another?
They don't often, but when they do
I will always take the hit
Because that is the one thing I can always do
That I am in control of:
sacrificing myself
But this time, inside me, my heart screams
I've never heard it fight back at me before
It has always simply laid itself down
In quiet submission
to whatever conclusions seem logical to me

I am torn as a parent.
I love my daughter, I miss her when I am away (most of the time)
And yet she presents more of a challenge
than I feel I can handle -- well -- alone.
I question my own ability to rise to the challenge of her.
To do her justice
To be everything she needs.
No.. I KNOW I cannot be everything she needs
and I struggle to find people... elements...
That can shore us up where I am weak.

I feel more unsafe than I have ever felt in my life
Every time I head for the door,
My heart leaps a little into my throat,
Wondering if my car will still be there
Every time I come home
My heart leaps a little into my throat
That last block home is a nightmare
Wondering if while I was gone my home has been invaded
I wake sometimes in the middle of the night
Hear a sound
& My heart leaps a little into my throat
Wondering if that's just Cassandra on the counter again
or if someone is there, coming to
take my daughter...
or her innocence...
or her sense of safety too.

Hearing someone come in the house while I'm sleeping
Used to make my heart leap a little into my throat
For entirely different reasons -- good ones!
Reasons that were warm & safe & happy
& sometimes exciting
But that seems a desire for something that is lost to the past
Now there is noone here then
in the dark to lean on
But me
Suddenly I am not enough, even for myself
Which is scary in itself,
because I have ALWAYS been enough.

So just for today
I am overwhelmed.
I am floundering.
And I have found myself BROADCASTING
things I don't want to impose on everyone around me.
The depth of need & desire I feel sometimes
become so intense
I am afraid they will shine clearly from my eyes.
It's bad enough that they shine from my heart.
I am ashamed, both of feeling these things
& of not being able to control them
and then,
I am always afraid they will not be returned

Even in anger, I still desire..
perhaps more so.
Ask for what I need?
But I need it to come without asking!
To encompass & support & strengthen me
reassure me...

So for all these reasons
I have found times when I could not look at you.
I could not meet your eyes
With such tumult inside.
And not only you... Several of you!
People who have crawled so far into my heart
I can't anymore even conceive living a life
without you in it

Sometimes when I seem the farthest away
the most disinterested in your very existence
Is when I so very badly
need you the most.
Hold me.
If I have anything you want, then just hold me
....& save me from myself.