Tuesday, July 19, 2005

07/19/05 - Tuesday

Holy Smoke, Batman, but this (note to self to find notes on how to imbed Lu's link) http://threekidcircus.com/skiptomylu/archives/2005/07/uncle_uncle_1.html#comments > is such a great read! Such a kalaidascope of emotion, a roller coaster of passion... There but for the grace of God... grace? Aye, grace - things do happen for a reason.

By-the-by, J... you fibbed. (For all the right reasons! Like: "a complete failure to recognize & recall insignificant bits of reality in my leap into soul-filled passion." Excellent reason. I approve whole-heartedly!) But I do have to call you on it: at least one gal DID grasp the linkage - in function as well as significance.

Checkpoint: So what DO I have? Today? Today, a bit of a need to refocus. It's so easy for me to (at least on some levels) dive into an early passion with a few certain people that cross my life threads, throw caution to the winds, jump both feet first... Today, I am envying just a bit Jim&Lu's shared abandon, as I'm caught up with those whose predilection lies towards sloooow... well thought out... thoroughly examined life choices. I do appreciate the benefits in both ways of approaching choices! The payoffs for both are phenomenal when the ultimate answer ends up being "Yes!" The drawbacks for both stab differently but no less deep when it ends up being "No." It's the irrepressible kid in me (who survives despite my frequent, often laughing attempts to shove her back into her room) that wants to just go. Jump, dive, run, fly - take the chance and make whatever are the consequences work into the rest of your life.

Here is my challenge today - every day - every day that I choose to go one more day approaching & defining love with this person... to find ways to give that irrepressible kid in me enough "go juice" to keep her alive & healthy. To keep her off a neurotic, self-centered, impatient cliff of want/need/demand... not normally all that difficult, but then "normal" hasn't historically included this particular level of flaring passion for me. To do those things while consciously and deeply appreciating all the nuances in a measured loving... growing... OOOH! Tantric relationship building! (Don't think that little "Tantric" thought didn't just send me off on half a dozen incredibly hot tangents of fantasy! There are some people in the world with whom Tantric sex would be EVERYTHING it's cracked up to be. Yeah, you. Pardon me while I swoon.)

It's just... dammit... "When you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start RIGHT NOW!" And I do. Oh, quit freaking out. I don't really truly know in what capacity at this point - the kid thinks she does, but my experience has been that sometimes she changes her mind once the fat is in the fire. And of course it takes two. Silly notion that a person can just hare off & manage that all by their lonesome! But I do want this person in my life when I'm old & grey, regardless of how they're there. Besides... in a Tantric sense, that's exactly what is already happening - the rest of our lives has already begun. I KNOW it's the journey, not the destination! I know that, I know that, I know that. I KNOW that. I know THAT. I know! Destinations are only transitory, anyway - definitely things we need now & then: goals, markers, places to rest for a bit. It would just suck if we get another 15 or 20 miles down this path & decide the next destination will be more... platonic. But OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD if it's not.

Hmm... perhaps here's what drives me up the wall: Holding two wholely disparate possibilities up, trying to move simultaneously towards both of them with every step, trying to make each step take us the same distance in both directions at the same time. Sure.. the paths converge much of the way! But there are branchings - little nooks & crannies - delicious side trips of emotion & experience that must needs be completely ignored your way....

I know... I think too much about too many things in too many ways & I'm too willing to explore them & too willing to share my explorations & it makes you uncomfortable & freaks you out because you start thinking/feeling like I'm pushing you & while I am (because sometimes.. just sometimes.. you could stand a little push), at the same time I'm not I'm just sharing 'cause I have to & want to & holding out who I am & what I think & hoping you like what's there & that you naturally sync with at least some of it & I wanna find out where the sync isn't & see if we can make more... I thought you came to terms with things like that about me?! Ooh.. lookey...

Damn Geminis.

I'm babbling - this is not a coherent creation. More stream of consciousness in a silty mind. But I'm gonna leave it this way, I think.

As I reread a bit, I realize I sound like I'm screaming "Go!"... and in some ways I am... (he swore to me that he's "come to terms with ___ about me" - geez, but I want the intimate details on that little thought phrase!) but contrary to what it reads like, this is actually my way of setting my mind on "backpedal" instead. Get it OUT of my head so that more serene sensations can resume in there! I'm not off-centered, not out of balance this time... but it is a conscious thing to stay balanced & centered with him for me. Not in a bad way, per se... but in a "he makes me want to strip away all the not-the-best parts of me in one swell foop, toss them to the wind, and fly lightened, sparkling, clean & free" sort of way. That's good, right? Except for the "one swell foop" part.

I gotta go.. duty calls. Guess that's enough of a brain dump to let me get on with my day & concentrate on things that are more immediately vital today. Thanks for listening....

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